I’m confused – is it abuse?

[Springsummer]

Hello,
I was wondering if anyone could help me to understand if what I am experiencing is abuse. I have spoken to my councillor and she has pointed me towards it being abuse, but hasn’t been explicit about it. I don’t know if I am blowing things out of proportion in my head- I don’t want to end my marriage permanently if I’m just being too sensitive.

The specific incidents are a lot, but I will just detail some of the ones that are causing me the most turmoil.

We met after I had been in a physically abusive relationship. I told him about it and he promised he would never hit me (to be fair, he hasn’t- he bit me once in anger after I bit him playfully out of happiness. I accidentally hurt him so he retaliated). A couple of months into the relationship he got very angry and punched the wall. This happened many times over the years. (detail removed by moderator)

(Detail removed by moderator)

He didn’t take an interest in the house at all. Over the years he stopped taking an interest in holidays, Christmas, birthdays and anniversaries didn’t exist. I felt a lot like I didn’t exist. He confirmed the other day that my presence and the way I am annoys him- something I have felt for years. When I asked him about it later, he said I had misunderstood.

He didn’t like me having male friends. More recently after we separated he went through my phone and accused me of flirting from morning to night with my male friends.

Throughout the relationship he was very jealous and would often ask whom I was going to meet dressed like that. Eventually, to avoid having to constantly justify myself, I stopped taking care of my appearance. He often accused me of cheating on him, although I was always loyal.

He had no interest in spending time with me. When I would ask, he would reply that I was being a nuisance. I felt very lonely and alone.

He would often leave me, at parties or out with his friends and other halves, when we arrived and I’d see him again when we had to leave. I always just accepted that is the way he is, but I did feel lonely and like he had no pleasure in spending time with me.

He says I don’t know when it’s time to stop- in arguments he has his say and, often, when I try to give my point of view he tells me I’m trying to provoke a reaction and I need to learn when to stop talking.

I have read many articles on abuse to try anf make sense of things but he claims his reactions were brought on by stress or being tired, or me.

I often feel like I was living with two different people. He can be so kind and loving, but the slightest thing sets him off and I don’t know how or what to do to prevent these reactions.

I’m happy to provide more examples of the types of behaviours I am trying to understand.

If anyone has any thoughts or insight I would be very grateful as I feel like I’m going mad

[Lisa]

Good morning Springsummer, welcome to the forum. I hope you will find the forum a supportive place. It is good to see that you are reaching out fo some support to help you to think about what you would like to happen going forward.

It can be common for abusers to blame the other person or to try to minimise their behaviour. It’s so important to remember that there is never an excuse for abusive behaviour, such as feeling stressed or tired.

You haven’t overreacted, it sounds as though you had valid reasons for not wanting to continue with the relationship. You deserve to be safe and happy.

You can access some further support from Women’s Aid Live chat service, you can find out more about it here

Keep posting

Lisa

[Author]

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