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I don’t even know if I should be even in this group and I’m not sure it actually was/is abuse. I’ve finally left my ex after at least a year of unhappiness/anxiety and I’m questioning if I want to be finished with him. The final straw was that he drank to much and started an argument where me punched my hand and said it was my fault, he continued to drink all night and send me texts when I was sleeping and got slightly abusive in them. The next day he continued to drink and I asked him to go home to his if he was going to drink so much (like we’d agreed because of previous similar issues). He refused and said I was trying to stop his fun and he became argumentative all day to the point the kids were embarrassed as their friends could hear him shouting and swearing at me. I asked him to leave on numerous occasions and he wouldn’t in the end he started throwing things and threw a (detail removed by Moderator) at me and kicked (detail removed by Moderator) into the tv among other things, I was afraid of what he’d do next so I called the police. (Not the first time) in the past I’ve been anxious about being late or not texting him back (him constantly texting me or sending me selfies and asking for selfies when we weren’t together even though he says it’s because he loves and misses me.) I’ve said that he’s very controlling and he’s said hes not it’s because of my insecurities that I see it that way and he’s never told me what to do which is kind of true but I’d end up feeling bad as he’d say we never spend quality time together etc so I’d feel guilty if I wanted to see family or friends. He’d never let me go to pick my son up from my dads on my own he’d always have to come and he said it was because he was bored. He’s accused me in the past of having affairs and wanting to have sex with the workmen etc
He’s said that sex wasn’t passionate enough so I must be getting it else where, he’d get huffed if I didn’t kiss him before I went upstairs to sort washing etc. He wouldn’t let me watch programs that made him feel uncomfortable ((detail removed by Moderator)) as I cared more about their relationship than I did ours. He unfriended my best friend for no reason and when o was upset about it we argued and he said that it was her making the issue and it was non of my business who he was friends with. He’d post photos constantly on social media saying he loved me and tried to force me to do the same and when o didn’t it was a massive issue. He called my son names after he’s been naughty etc he’d call me a w***e and a dirty s***k or b***h among other things, he’s thrown mobiles at me and punched doors and walls, he’s scratched himself and said I’d attacked him. He’s punched a hot cup of coffee out of my hand and all over me and the house! still now since I’ve finished things he’s saying that he’d been trying to end things for weeks but I persuaded him to stay (that never happened once ever) he’s also saying that I was fake and that I never cared about him and was so selfish in the relationship etc so now I’m thinking was I and is it all my fault again. My heads messed up and at times I’ve felt like I was going crazy as I have a really bad memory. I’ve wanted to end my life as it would be easier (I don’t now) . I’m so confused.
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No it’s not in your head. Abusers make us feel crazy. They gaslight and lie and it destroys our mental health. Just read back your own post and see just how abusive he is. You’ve had to call the police more than once. Try writing a journal of all the abuse and block him on all social media. Work on total zero contact. Any contact is toxic and will mess with your head. If he continues to contact you then please let the police deal with him. Toxic and dangerous. You can ring the national domestic abuse helpline 24/7 and talk through your options.
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