im curious

[diymum@1]

i was talking to a social worker (detail removed by moderator) that i know personally. he looks after people with alcoholism. i was talking to him about the route i want to go down eventually – to go back to studying what i was surprised to hear was he had never heard of trauma bonding due to abuse. his wife also is about to start work in mediation and yes low and behold she hadnt heard of it either. when im fully qualified i want to address this specifically – i want to help women through these trauma bonds in order to leave and on leaving and continue if need be.

i am wondering what your own experiences of trauma bonding have been and how they held you back from going? what could have been done to make your journey not as harsh.

when i left i was so trauma bonded i was having panic attacks – i begged him to come back because i genuinely thought he would make these feelings go away. i had no idea about trauma bonds i wish i had now, i wish someone had told me and life may have been very different alot sooner xxxx

hope this dosent sound like a sily thread but i was abit shocked at learning so many professionals dont know about this and its the crux of why women cant leave abusive relationships.

love diymum xxxx

[KOTB]

Hi diymum, firstly well done for getting your career aspirations back on track.
I used to ( and will hopefully return to) a professional field not to dissimilar to what you have mentioned and I had never heard of trauma bonding before my two abusive relationships. I think that because I was in a so called “caring profession” I was particular vulnerable to abusers. In my last violent & extensive abusive relationship I identified with “ Stockholm Syndrome”
I knew I was being abused but went along with an element of it to appease him as a survival mechanism. Since being out of the relationship I cannot believe to the extent I am trauma bonded to him. The only way I can explain it to others is that females must have a genetic, hormonal predisposition to nullify pain (as in child birth) and then “love” that being unconditionally. This somehow transfers to attempting to make sense of what is happening to us in an abusive relationship. It is a subject that needs extensive research and is dismissed too easily by so called professionals. Good luck with trying to unravel it!
KOTB

[KIP.]

Professor Evan Stark who is behind the new coercive control laws mentions women feeling like they are hostages. I remember reading about a hostage. A female aide worker who was kidnapped by Isis. The other women were going to try to escape but she wouldn’t go because she said if he caught her he would behead her. That struck such a chord with me. I was also watching something about journalists in war zones and captives and how they feel when they’re released. Again very similar to breaking free from an abusive relationship. I told my women’s aid worker I was going to mention trauma bonding in court and she said if I did I would be laughed at. Yet that what the biggest light bulb moment for me. Speak up everyone x

[diymum@1]

thanks KOTB 🙂 thats a really different take on it to me because i was trauma bonded more when he left me. in comparing to stockholm syndrome i sometimes provoked him it made me rebellious. id sometimes laugh through nervousness and his would make him worse. i guess our emotions become hard to control and a little mixed up? that is very true im guessing this hsnt been properly researched i wonder why? its beggers belief really. well im hoping this is the right field to go into im being told its much needed xxxx trauma bonds are a literal head wreck xx love diymum

[diymum@1]

you know KIP its almost like being institutionalised like prisoners getting released after a lengthy sentence. its that transition too from zero freedom to having freedom but feeling a huge void. so it sounds like the courts dont recognise trauma bonding? even the criminal courts wow i persoanlly feel and the social worker as above agreed this needs to be taught in school the dynamics of this – high school mayb x*x

[fizzylem]

I want to answer DM but I’m not sure I can that specifically.

Guess my first thought was that co-dependant relationships seems to be widely understood in medical teams, mental health teams; trauma bonding is likely one aspect in the co dependant relationship when it occurs.

It’s like a lot of things I guess, unless you have experienced it, it can be difficult to see, you know, like ‘it takes one to know one’. Alot of people accessing help with drug addiction simply dont or wont respond to any helper who is not a recovering addict – for this very reason. Walk in my shoes first.

In terms of help, what I have noticed, for me and in others, is the loss of the ‘sense of self’, if we are to step forwards and begin healing we need to re learn to trust the self again, and respond to our thoughts, feelings, self and the world. I think this is what she needs in most cases, help with finding her truth x

[freedomtochoose]

Personally, I think the whole notion of ‘co-dependency’ should be questioned and analysed.

It is a million dollar industry, writing and researching and analysing so-called ‘co-dependency’ personally I think labelling things this way actually prevents people, including so-called professionals looking deeper at issues such as Stockholm Syndrome, Trauma bonding and so on.

But then my core is person-centred, so Carl Rogers would look at our experiences as they are, and not the label. Which makes complete sense to me with women who are experiencing abuse, as it can crop up in so many different forms…

ftc
x

[diymum@1]

So from a survivors point of you what did you feel xx do you know I can honestly say I barely remember. From all that you’ve said above I better get Reading there’s alot to this isn’t there x*x so many models I guess xx love diymum 💪

[diymum@1]

Whst I remember more was the lack of understanding for me at the time xx

[KIP.]

For such a long time I just couldn’t deal with being free. It just didn’t feel normal x

[fizzylem]

Yes, compassion and understanding goes a very long way in healing for sure x

[fizzylem]

How about you write a little booklet / leaflet? To give to health professionals and survivors? ‘Trauma bonding and me’. Your own reflections, how it was for you. It catches our attention when it is a personal story and it would help survivors recognise it in themselves maybe. You might need to do two versions, the helpers guide and the survivors maybe.

[Fudgecake]

It was like I was sleep walking through my relationship, half aware things weren’t right but powerless to do anything- like a spell had been cast on me. I felt so sorry for him and my feelings towards him and making it right were very strong. He used to give me this puppy eye look and I guess my nurturing nature kicked in where I’d want to try harder to please. Trauma bonded for sure as I was aware that I feared him and yet all I wanted was his approval and arms around me. I haven’t contacted him since leaving and to be honest I’m not sure I could trust myself if I did not to get sucked back under his spell. Best not to find out.

[diymum@1]

thanks – everyone is so different in their experience but the same in some ways. im interested because apart for all the other obstacles like finances,housing,kids,conditioning.fear – trauma bonding seems to be the biggest problem from an emotional view point. when our emotions are so high all logic and reasoning goes right out of the window. its when im reading posts when people are struggling to get out of abusive relationships. i see how it looks impossible because we feel so paralysed the odds are stacked against us – i felt like that. if women were approaching the gp or other services it would be such a help for them to have proper therapy at this point. i know this maybe a bit pie in the – but this is the direction i would like to go. i was the same KIP i felt like i was staring down into a massive void and didnt know which way to turn or what to do next on top off having kids to get organised and in turn i felt like i was going mad. fizzy – helping other people does help and we all try to on here – it is like therapy but also really hard and painful to know people are going through this and feeling so alone. and FC i remember trying to get into the good books – very confusing because in the back of your mind your thinking why should i try this hard with someone who is treating me so badly. i guess its to ease our feelings of anxiety but it doesent xxxx

as far as doing a booklet that sounds like a great idea once i finish uni. hope you dont mind me brain storming like this – the whole thing is a real tangle to understand fully xxxx much love diymum

[KIP.]

Have a look at battered wife syndrome. It’s been about for decades and I think it shows the signs there of trauma bonding. Just in a different name. Psychology has come a long way since then.

[Whosthatgirl]

ok watch out for some amateur psychology/neuroscience! I realise that despite the huge relief when he left (Not sure i could ever have done it!) i am most definitely trauma bonded and here is my hypothesis: a bit like when you get a ‘like’ on a facebook post, approval from our abuser instigates a dopamine response (a mini high), we of course crave these highs as we are generally very low in the relationship. Afterward we miss the dopamine response. In my case everyday was a rollercoaster with him, never knowing whether i would be berated or adored next. over time the highs were less and less frequent and so when they came I noticed them even more (i guess having the opposite effect to needing more and more ‘likes’ to feel the buzz) I was living on scraps but they meant everything. In my work i have always remained decisive and self assured but personally now i am constantly asking for validation to know I’m doing the right thing as he isn’t here to do that (and invariably confirmed i was doing everything wrong anyway!). its messed up!

[Fudgecake]

I like that comparison to likes on social media Whosthatgirl. I think it makes a lot of sense. It explains why it’s such a rollercoaster after we’ve left.

[SunshineRainflower]

That’s shocking none of them know about trauma bonding. I do think survivors know more than a lot of them because we read a lot about it after leaving trying to make sense of it. I didn’t know anything about domestic violence at all until I experienced it then read a lot about it and there’s so much interesting and helpful information about it I wish it was known by the general public. The police in particular can have a very poor understanding and make things worse when not trained properly.
Well done for trying to address this issue.
For me I think the trauma bonds showed in the way I felt incredulous when the helpline worker told me I was unsafe because at the time I still saw him as my wonderful man who ‘had a bad temper at times.’ I felt like he’d absolutely brainwashed me and I had no idea it was abuse until he threatened physical abuse and suddenly I realised I wasn’t safe but I struggled for months afterwards ‘missing’ him and even craving him. It was terrible. I do think they use a type of brainwashing.

[Author]

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