I’m exhausted from trying to be stronger than I feel

[White Rose]

I came across this on a poster recently. It’s very true.
Before I left I had my brave face on trying to keep myself and daughter safe while keeping going with a pretty full on emotionally demanding job and living with an abuser while making plans to leave.
In the first few months after I left it was the same. Juggling solicitor, divorce, paying mortgage and rent, making ends meet (just) trying to be positive with my fragile daughter while my anxieties were eating away inside.
Many, many months later it hasn’t changed. I still show a stronger than I feel front to the world. I’m struggling in work as my workload is increasing exponentially I regularly work 20-25% extra just to keep the team and people I work with safe. I meet friends and relatives we all say “how’s things” “how are you”. “Fine” is the reply – and it’s mot and I bet we all know it and we all lie.
I was thinking today as my daughter got yet another job rejection whether she’ll ever be strong enough to stand on her own feet. She’s definitely been damaged by her father and me – more years of abuse than I realised, I failed to protect her as I trusted him to care for her and love her when I was working, she’s emotionally scarred, vulnerable in many ways and with fairly significant physical and mental health issues that gave led to gaps in her progress with learning, limited paper qualifications and also gaps in her working life -albeit a short working life so far. I have no idea how to support her anymore. I can’t fix “it” for her as I can’t go back in time and undo the bad stuff. I just wish someone would give her a break and trust her enough to take her on. He’s trying to buy her “friendship” back at the moment with offers of material goods – she’s tempted but very wary of the strings that inevitably will be attached.
So I’m still here with my stronger than I feel attitude, my armour, my brave face but I am absolutely exhausted. I’ll keep going though, as I’m trying not to let him or anyone else beat me but once in a while I wish someone would just give me a break, take the pressure off, let me breathe.

[Serenity]

Hi, White Rose.

I’m sorry you’re feeling this way.

Whilst there are times when it might be good or necessary to put on a brave face, I think it’s so important to be truthful with ourselves and to meet ourselves where we are, meaning that I think we need to find ways of responding to ourselves truthfully, caring for our feelings and not squashing them down.

Regarding your daughter, I can understand how you feel. I trusted my ex to take care of my kids when I was at work and he used it as an opportunity to exert his horrible power. I think it’s important not to blur the lines of responsibility here: don’t take on any feelings of guilt here which are not yours to feel, as this will cause you added stress and make you feel low. The guilt lies with your ex. Yes, we can feel angry at ourselves for not having seen the reality of the situation, but I think it’s important that we don’t take on guilt for others behaviour so that it means we feel shame that it’s not ours to feel. Suppressed feelings of misplaced guilt can drain us more than we realise.

Meeting ourselves where we are is so important. Yes, we might want to be survivors rather than victims and to overcome our situations, be courageous and brave, but it’s still important to recognise that we did go through hell and are still experiencing the fall out in many ways, as in our children’s mental and emotional health, dinners to be extra kind to ourselves too. Any activity that helps us to wind down and relax, allowing ourselves to vent to chosen people ( as in here!), pacing ourselves….

I think pacing ourselves is so important. We can get burn out of we try to perform on all cylinders, all the time. I don’t want my experiences to stop me achieving and functioning as normal, but I have realised that due to the effects of the abuse, I need to allow myself extra time to do things. I need to move more slowly. Meditation, breathing, being mindful in any activity I am engaged in, rather than rushing about like a headless chicken.

I think my son’s qualifications were affected by the abuse. He hasn’t achieved what he may have done. But I think that by allowing him the time to experience new things away from his dad, he will gain confidence and build his own personality and strengths over time. If your ex is trying to be in contact with her, counteract his negative contact by gently encouraging your daughter to engage in activities that will be therapeutic or confidence-building for her. x

[Eve1]

Hi White Rose,

Sorry to hear you’re feeling so exhausted. I hope you manage to get a breather and give ypurself some rest. Certainly give yourself credit for all you have achieved so far.

It’s hard when we see our children in difficulty. There’s not enough recognition of how much they are affected by living with any kind of domestic abuse, I don’t think. I hope she gets gradually stronger.

It’s interesting that you say about ‘keeping your team safe’. Wnen I saw a counsellor she said to me that from an early age I had kept everyone atound me ‘safe’. It hadn’t occurred to me until then but I see what she means. When you do this, you put yourself last. Make sure you give at least some time to yourself.

Best wishes
Eve
X

[White Rose]

Thanks Serenity and Eve. I am trying to make sure I get sone me time to recharge batteries etc also mum and daughter time too. I do succeed but I sometimes feel, as I’m sure we all do, that I just want the world to slow down and let me catch up, that perhaps I could get a run of 3 or 4 days where I don’t have to deal with conflict, or a stroppy colleague who has upset someone, or a complaining “client” or yet another blooming email about care standards and safety protocols that need to be rewritten to comply with a new guideline that’s come into place on how to write a guideline! Holidays are great but to be honest it’s still there waiting when I come back and I end up doing longer days to clear the backlog. Thank goodness my “real job”, the one I trained for, is so rewarding – it’s a shame it comes with all the additional #$&@!
I also want my #^*#*#* ex to finalise the last tiny detail of (detail removed by moderator) so I can get some closure. He is STILL contesting the opinions of experts because of course he knows everything. He is a total waste of space. Mind you my solicitor is having a laugh at his expense yet again and I’m sure dines out on tales of dealing with his antics!
So yes, I’m exhausted from being stronger than I feel., but I’m tough and I will be ok….. just wish I knew when 😊

[Ayanna]

This sounds very tough.
Is there any way that your daughter can go for more training to increase her self confidence and professional skills?

Is she used to be supported and cared for by you now?
Can you let go a little bit more of her?

Can you delegate some of your workload to others?

[White Rose]

Thanks Ayanna. Writing this helped me appreciate just how tough it still is.
My daughter has some quite difficult health problems. Plus she’s got the hang over effect of emotional and physical abuse by her dad and has had a really hard time settling and feeling safe in either training or studying placements. She’s doing the usual teen/young adult thing of ignoring the fact she needs help, then knowing she needs it, wanting to get it sorted, but because she then has to phone up and arrange it (such is the idiocy of the mental health system!!!!) she struggles to follow through and then crashes again. Thank goodness for a fab GP and her strong friends. I have let go a lot this year and last year and it’s working in helping her take responsibilty but she’s got such low self esteem she needs reassurance a lot if the time – stems from being repeatedly told by her dad that she’s worthless, that he’s ashamed of her, that she’s stupid and doesn’t deserve what she has. She is getting better – decisions about whether to go out are easier and she no longer takes 3 hours to make sure she looks ok to leave the house – such a relief. Her dad was such a lovely man NOT!
I wish I had someone to delegate some work to. It’s recognised by managers my role is ridiculously stretched and that there is no backup – tried to recruit but no one suitable. I’m seriously considering whether I need to give in and take sick leave simply to prevent burn out or death from a stress related illness!!! Trouble is if I do that the people I do my job for/the bit of my job I love, will suffer – they did before when I had to take time off when my daughter was ill in hospital, the back up in place then wasn’t effective. “No one died” as the saying goes – but situations became difficult. I’m not indespensible – no one is – but I care, and I care about my overly stretched colleagues too. We’re spread too thinly for the workoad as it is and already covering someones maternity leave and someone eles post op sick leave. It’s a no win situation. Aaaaargghhhhh!!!
Onwards and upwards!! I love my job – the one I trained to do and the one I’m told I do well I just hate the c**p that goes with it. I also HATE my ex so much sometimes I just want to see him removed from the planet. Any aliens reading this please make contact I’ll tell you where he is!!

I am strong, I am a survivor, I am resilient and I won’t be defeated – if I say it often enough it becomes reality.

[Serenity]

Hi Again White Rose,

I can understand your exasperation at the pettiness at work. I have had a hard week at work, where two people in quite high up positions are just so difficult. They complicate everything. They are prickly and argumentative. Thank goodness I don’t see them on a daily basis. But it amazes me how people like that can be given the highest roles.

I much prefer to be with other people at ground level, doing my field work. People are humble and everyday. I have zero tolerance for people with big egos nowadays!

[White Rose]

I agree Serenity – me and you against the system! Let us do our proper jobs and let the robots deal with the paperwork xx

[Author]

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