28th April 2020 at 10:17 pm #102030
Well I had my first PTSD session today. I was surprised that they had prioritised me and that it’s all happenined so quickly. I made me think “was what I told them really so bad that they needed to shoot me up the list?”. So in the short intervening period between my final assessment and my first therapy, I’ve been starting to see my life differently. I’ve always felt my life as a story in a strange sort of way. I’ve distanced myself from it all. But I’ve really started conncecting with things now and I’m quite shocked by what I’ve experienced. It really hit home today when I was asked about my Grandparents – and his. I found myself telling her about one of my grandparents (who I never actually knew). I can’t give details that might identify me but when I was a baby, the grandparent tried to – omg I cant say it, it sounds so dramatic to me now, it never has before. Ok here goes. Grandparent tried to murder my sibling and me. I can’t believe I’ve never been shocked by that before, I think maybe because I’ve always had my guard up, normalised abuse from infancy.
So now, when I’m thinking about my abusive ex, instead of feeling that’s it really wasn’t that bad, I’v started to understand how horrific it all really was and I just feel stunned. It’s such a sense of shock and I’m wandering about, going about by day and all with this shock that I can’t get rid of. I feel abit knocked sideways, weird, out of sorts. I’m not quite sure what to do with it really.
28th April 2020 at 10:46 pm #102032IwantmebackParticipant
Wow no wonder you feel knocked for six, do whatever you have to do to get through this time. I think we all disassociate from what we went through, see it through a prism of sorts, like a story we’ve read somewhere.
It’s okay to not be okay as the saying goes.
You’ve a lot to process so be really kind to yourself.
Much love and strength
29th April 2020 at 3:50 pm #102079BraelynnParticipant
And the mind opens things up to us when we are able to handle it…………otherwise, it will compartmentalize, dissociate and shield you from it. Like peeling an onion. We have PTSD I think because we don’t know what to do with what we have experienced. Don’t know how to understand it, label it, so we are constantly trying to hold a very harmful thing within ourselves like a hot coal burning. We’re not sure what will happen to us if we take that hot coal out and lay it on the table so it can be examined because it’s been with us so very long. It’s scary. But you are doing that now and while the truth is frightening it’s not half as scary as not knowing or not understanding. I found in my own life, when doing this very thing, every time a piece of the puzzle was put into place, I might not have liked it but the truth has a way of righting things. Lies and hidden poison just doesn’t sit well with us and we have little earthquakes all the time in our being because it’s needing to come out. Our true self just doesn’t like it. I am very proud of you and yes, by all means be kind, take care of your health and maybe do some affirmations every day. Write some out for yourself and read them aloud. This is an incredible journey and a healing one! XX
3rd May 2020 at 12:22 pm #102352
Thanks ladies. I had another really bad night after I wrote that but the following night I finally got some sleep. I’m feeling much better now. I think I’m almost ready to face the next session.
This time I’m going to prepare ahead of time. Make sure that I plan the day so that I can do some relaxing things afterwards. xx
3rd May 2020 at 2:28 pm #102359IwantmebackParticipant
Hi @eggshells as with everything we do on this journey, being kinder to ourselves, showing ourselves some love is the greatest gift we can do. It is thoroughly exhausting physically and mentally facing what scares us. Ìm sorry fir forgetting to warn you of that, it’s become 2nd nature for me to prepare when i face my scary thing or to know to do something that relaxes me when taken unawares. But it helps so much. You’ve recognised that need and are already preparing to be kinder and thoughtful to yourself.
Much love IWMB 💞💞
3rd May 2020 at 3:00 pm #102366
Thank you, you lovely lady. xx
5th May 2020 at 4:50 pm #102563BraelynnParticipant
I’m so proud of you! This is very hard but your determined spirit is showing! I remember thinking ohhh nooo can’t show that! Big automatic reflex and I got to where I said to myself – seriously?? Um nooo, you are going to flaunt that one sister!! Because before my abuse I was a little rounder. So I remember her and I got her back. She runs around now in her cowboy boots and defies anyone to tell her she’s not allowed to be “her”. And of course people look at me sideways at times and I’m like – don’t want to see it? Then don’t look! I actually dressed up one time like a (detail removed by moderator) because my (detail removed by moderator) was being born and no family from either was at the hospital, so I ran down to a quaint costume store and got the full outfit. (Detail removed by moderator) You should have seen everyone’s reaction! People were crying, asking me to come into patient’s rooms, was granting wishes to doctors and nurses and the mom getting stitched up said you know I can’t laugh now right?? She said…only you would do this. Pretty much but we are at liberty to do those things. We can still have a happy childhood! Hugs!!
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