I’m feeling conflicted and it’s making me miserable

[Runforthehills]

I have been documenting my husbands emotional abusive and corrosive control for 1.5 years now. I started when it because a realisation that this can’t be normal and it was getting worse. (detail removed by Moderator).
I went to the police about it a couple of weeks ago, but ended up leaving to write my statement myself (detail removed by Moderator). So Iv written the statement and sent it, but now need to go to station to sign it (detail removed by Moderator).
It’s been weeks as Iv not been free when the officer has been on duty and in that time I have been back and forth about this and it’s causing me a great deal of mental anguish. We haven’t been talking unless absolutely necessary and he’s been shutting me away from the children, manipulating them. But I hear him play with the kids and they’re all laughing and joking and the kids are so excited for Christmas. And I’m there thinking, am I going to ruin my family? Like he said everytime I wanted to leave that I’d be ‘ruining the children’s lives’ if I ever left him.
If he gets convicted that means he might lose his job, he will have to live with his parents who live several hundred miles away and so the kids will hardly see him.
I see/read others who have finally left and not involved police and I was thinking am I just weak? Should I have just got the kids and left? I just didn’t want to disrupt my children’s lives more so than it’s going to be with this divorce. He is not going to leave or make this easy at all. He also has substance addiction and he doesn’t even think he has a problem and it’s been a common thread in many issues with him and he won’t accept any help, so I also got social services involved- because I was left with no choice. I went to his parents many times for help and they think it’s my responsibility ‘as his wife’ to help him and that I should ‘grow up’. After that conversation I just broke down which made me call the police.
Lots of agencies are now involved and I can’t take it back, I know i shouldn’t anyway but it’s causing me a great deal of pain thinking of all sorts of extreme scenarios about what might happen.

[minimeerkat]

i was so sorry to read how much anxiety your situation was causing you especially regarding the statement you have made. its completely understandable
and no wonder you are feeling so much guilt when your partner points the finger & says that you will be ruining your childrens lives. i know it cannot be easy, but try to see that this guilt belongs to him – his behaviour has caused this situation. its called projection – he is the guilty party, not you
it was sad to read that his family were not supportive of you at a time when you desperately needed it, & was only natural that this rejection would devastate you
i understand that while things are not completely sorted with the police, that you are now spinning so very much around in your head. so if you havent already, please contact your local da service to talk about all of your concerns. they are just there to listen if thats all you want at the moment
i am unsure why you are comparing yourself to others who just left with their children, & therefore
considering yourself weak for contacting the police. because you have to remind yourself how strong & brave you were to actually this x

[Author]

Posts