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    • #169368
      Blossom24
      Participant

      Hi,
      I’ve been with my husband for (detail removed by Moderator)yrs and the relationship has had many ups and downs especially for the last (detail removed by Moderator)yrs or so I have contemplated leaving on occasions. He’s very controlling and emotionally anbusive and it is suffocating! But then he just returns to ‘normal’ with no explanation/conversation or anything. I have (detail removed by Moderator) children so really need to plan.
      I’m going to contact my local council tomorrow regarding housing and I have been given a number for a local law centre.
      Does anyone have any advice or any recommendations of who to contact or what to do?
      I need make sure this has as minimal impact on the children as I possibly can.
      Thanks ☺️

    • #169395
      Lisa
      Main Moderator

      Hello Blossom24,

      Thank you for sharing what you’re going through. I’m sure others who have been through similar will be able to offer some advice and support, but I wanted to suggest your local specialist domestic abuse service for some additional help with things. They will have a lot of experience with supporting women who are planning to leave an abusive relationship and will be able to guide you through this.

      You can find the details for your local service through this link: https://www.womensaid.org.uk/womens-aid-directory/

      Take care and keep posting, to let us know how you’re doing.

      Lisa

    • #169471
      Wantingsupport
      Participant

      Hi,I’ve been through something similar and made a plan to leave got all my ducks in a row then fell for his words that things would get better however some things did get better however the trust is gone so I’m at the start point again but this time I’m stronger!
      But I can tell you what you can do that is minimal impact!
      Call women’s aid have that convo they can help and advice,
      If you cannot afford a place on your own sign up to U/C and child benefit,
      Get a reference from work character reference the housing will need this.
      Set up your own bank account.
      Change all passwords.
      Get onto free sites and start collecting household stuff maybe a friend can hold them for you.
      Makes lists of things you’ll need and also make a list of monies what ingoing and outgoing housing associations may want to do an affordability check on you.
      Stay strong lovely, you can definitely get through this!

    • #169480
      Sad and alone
      Participant

      Just wanted to wish you good luck in moving on. I hope you get the help you need. Like you I’ve been in my relationship for years and looking back have always been under a certain level of control which has escalated in recent years and since becoming more isolated and in each others pockets 24/7. I always admire anyone that starts contacting outside help, something I haven’t been able to do yet. Probably because as you say you get these normal periods, which still aren’t right but so much better than the bad times, and you don’t want to rock the boat. So well done for taking control!

    • #169594
      silversapphire
      Participant

      @Blossom24

      If you have regular employment or receive child benefit, make sure that your wages and child benefit payments will go to your sole bank account not a joint account.
      As soon as you leave your husband or if he guesses that you are planning to go, he may empty out every joint account that you have access to.
      As a way of trying to prevent you from being able to afford essentials for the children without him.
      Or as an extension of his controlling coercive behaviour escalating into economic abuse.

      Do you have access to your own bank accounts and credit card with online logins that only you can access?
      If so, switch to paper-free banking and only use joint bank accounts for transactions that you are happy for your husband to see.
      When you apply for UC, it is very likely that the DWP will ask to see at least 3 months of your online banking statements.

      Remember to keep your phone safe and change your password if there is any chance that your husband knows it or has the knowledge to install spyware software to monitor everything your phone use.

      Keep digital copies of all your photoid, your national insurance number, your children’s passports and birth certificates.
      Try to find a way to store all your id and your children’s nhs medical card in a safe place like a bank safety deposit box or nearby storage unit if within your budget.
      Maybe the inside compartment of a car with off-street parking that only you have the keys to and your husband is not insured to drive.

      Do you have any trusted friends or relatives living a considerable distance away from your husband who is willing to allow you to store your important documents and have your most important letters sent to their address?

      Good luck!

    • #169630
      Blossom24
      Participant

      Thank you silversapphire for your reply.
      I do have everything of my own separate (always have like my mum) bank accounts etc.
      We’re in the fairly ‘normal’ phase at the moment but I know I’m doing the right thing. Just can’t work out when and how to tell him I’m done…

    • #169652
      Galabeee
      Participant

      It’s hard to find the words and any space that feels like the “right” time to say the words, but good you have separate accounts.
      Things that helped me:
      I was lucky I had 2 close friends I could talk with , they helped ground me when I was super anxious about next steps, held stuff for me as I was planning leaving and I know would have been somewhere I could go (short term) in an emergency .
      Contact women’s aid – first via the chat on here, it helped me talk things through and see things a little clearer than I had been able to .
      Changed passwords to phone, banking , email .
      It’s not easy and there are days because of what has happened I go backwards and forward (was he right? Am I this “horrible” person as he described/ made me out to be ? ) but it has ultimately also been worth it.
      Good luck, stay safe and keep reaching out x

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