I'm floundering

[seaside lass]

I know compared to some of you ladies my abuse is tame, he’s never physically hurt me, barely laid a finger on me too in the past (removed by moderator). But, I get the controlling, walking on egg shells, name calling, put downs and the explosive temper that you don’t know when it will erupt, snide comments, no help in the house, and arguments over nothing. The kids are now starting to take on his ways too now, talking to me like c**p and flinging their food on the side if they don’t want it. I’ve said before, the house and bills are in my name, so he is leaving-he just doesn’t know it yet. I’ve got a lock waiting, a mortise with two keys, which he doesn’t have, a plan which involves texting him why he is leaving and not to come back, and a place to leave some of his stuff to tide him over, I’ve even got scripted what I’m going to say to the kids too-so why can’t I do it?? I’m scared of what will happen. I need this to happen for my sanity, I can see my future without him, I’m making plans for me and the kids later in the year when I have a big birthday, I need to do it now. But, times like this I start thinking am I just making mountains out of molehills?? Am I making things out to be worse in my head?? How did he do this to me, get me to doubt my own mind? X

[Confused123]

Hi Hun

Never minimise the abuse u r receiving, verbal abuse is just as bad as it breaks u mentally, well done for making a plan to get him out, stay strong and continue getting positive support, call the womens aid line they r really supportive , u will get loads of support on here too . U say u doubt yourself , again this is just how they have trained our brains to think , u have nothing to feel guilty about,u deserved to live life in peace and send a message to your kids that this is not acceptable behaviour . Making that final step seems so hard but u can do it hun, till u do it you wont break that cycle his got u stuck in , they r very clever , how they do it i think a lot of us on here r still trying to work that out , but focus on getting him removed first ,u can do this

[Herindoors]

Hi Seadside Lass. You could be describing my relationship for most of the time. No actual violence but emotional abuse in every way including sexual coercion. I don’t know how they get us to doubt our own minds but they do. I still doubt myself and I am working that through with my counsellor because the logical part of me knows it was all him but the louder, sub-concious, emotional part of me keeps winning over and blaming myself….but I am getting there.

You should be scared of what might happen (sorry don’t want to make anything worse for you) because you need to keep your wits about you. My ex started to get violent in the lead up to us splitting up. There was a change in dynamic which he could feel and he knew what was coming. He started to get violent towards himself, then objects and then finally me. It was after the second time that he left, so in terms of physical I feel I got off lightly.

You look like you have a good plan in place but add something to help you if he does get violent. Call the helpline and they will advise you on this.

And then do it because you deserve to live an abuse free life, your kids need to relearn what normal behaviour is and you deserve not to be scared.
Good luck and take care xxxx

[seaside lass]

Thanks ladies.

Thanks for the advice Herindoors, that’s one of the reasons I want to do it by text, is in case he turns violent, I’m almost sure he won’t, but I have a niggling doubt. I know he’ll explode, and I don’t want the kids seeing that, again, they’ve seen too much.

I’m going to phone the helpline today, and see what they say. I spoke to my boss yesterday, just to put him partly in the picture, he was lovely, so I know that work is aware of my situation, and will accommodate my needs, I work peculiar shifts.

Well done Herindoors, you come across as happy with what you’ve done and your life now. Confused123, I keep reading your post, thank you-you are saying the things I know, but I do need to see someone else saying it too so I know it’s not just in my head.

Hugs xx

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