18th April 2016 at 8:53 pm #14416
Today has been by far the worst day of my life. He bombarded me with calls this morning initially asking to see his child and then going down the same old rout of it all being my fault it’s over, and just dragging me down- before I knew it I was just a wreck agains begging him to tell him where I went wrong trying desperately to tell him that I tried to change that I tried to be what he wanted.. And he was telling me I made him unhappy… And that the way I was acting was exactly the reason he’d left. My head was spinning so much. He told me he was coming to collect the baby because I was clearly not stable enough to take care of her. I did nothing to plead my case. I was utterly a wreck. I didn’t know how to hold it together. I let him take her and he told me he would bring her back when I had calmed down… Then he kept calling me and telling me all the same stuff. Then again I was just pathetic. I was driving (detail removed from Moderator). Then he told me he was calling social services and that he was never giving me my baby back. I couldn’t cope. . I couldn’t get hold of anyone and I desperately needed someone to talk to. In the end I spoke to my health visitor. Told her I didn’t feel I could go on anymore that he had been rite all along and I was just crazy and didn’t deserve to live. Obviously she called the police…. What a mess. I just couldn’t stand the thought of him not giving me my baby… Then he started sending me emails telling me I was crazy, deluded and that he was going to tell social services I was on drugs… He’s the one on them!! The start of this year we went for a drink together and I ended up in hospital (detail removed from Moderator)! I was extremely ill. I thought I’d had a stroke! My mum said she thought it was him who spiked my drink and now I think maybe it was… He said in the email that they would have in my medical records that’s I’d been spiked and he’d tell social services I knowingly took it!!
I didn’t know what to do!! Eventually I drove to my mums, the police came over as the health visitor had called them. He still insisted he wasn’t giving my baby back- this is the man who hasn’t been alone with her for more than 30 minutes ever. I was utterly beside myself. The police officer was helpful and did all he could but as my exs name is on the birth certificate they couldn’t get her back. I called social services and begged them to help me but they told me he’d called and said I was emotionally unstable and I wasn’t doing anything to prove otherwise. I was on the phone to her for well over an hour and I was begging her, pleading with her. I got angry because she kept telling me I was clearly not stable. Social services called my older daughters school and also divulged to the school that I have mental health problems! I was beside myself. All I wanted was my baby home. Then he started sending messages asking when she was last fed…. He’d had her (detail removed from Moderator) hours and hours by this point. There was no way she hadn’t been fed in all that time… The police told me if I went to his house to try and get her back it would only confirm my mental state and I would be arrested. At this point they said the only thing I could do was call a solicitor and get her back threw court… Fianlly my dad called him and pleaded my case and he willingly agreed to let my dad collect her. My dad told him to arrange contact threw him from now on (detail removed from Moderator). He called me still off a private number. I don’t know what he wanted. I put him on loud speaker as I was still at my parents house and I wanted them to hear he was still harassing me.
I don’t know what an earth is going to happen now with social services and everything els. I have no doubt I will be getting a social worker…and clearly I am going to face some hellish battle over access… But my mental health is being used against me!! The thing is, I had no mental health problems before I met him- non at all. But now, I’m totally crazy. I had managed two days no contact with him. Because I’d deleted my email account and blocked all his numbers. But he still managed to get to me via private call and then someone els phone. And it wasn’t to say sorry- only to destroy me some more. I wasn’t remotely cuted- but for those two days, I was coping. No melt downs, no tears, no self hatred. I was taking it a day at a time. But now I have to prove to social services that I am worthy of having my child
18th April 2016 at 9:08 pm #14422Confused123Participant
So sorry to hear you had a bad day. This is a wake up call now that you can have no contact with this man and all contact for kids has to be done via courts. He prob wants you to have a breakdown and doesnt even want kids , its just about making u out to be the mental one. Please do not speak to him at all, make an appointment with solicitor tommrow and get legal advise on your rights. Dont worry if he will say u took speed on purpose, stick to the truth that your drink was spiked.. I would call womens aid help line too. If you can change your no and make sure he is blocked of all social media, at any point if he callls u off a private no and u click on it is him , cut the call. Discuss with your gp how he effects you, i know its hard but try and stay calm now if soicla services are going to be involved.
18th April 2016 at 9:18 pm #14427
Big hugs! Oh well! Now you need to change your phone number and not give it to him.
You need to call Rights of Women, use their callback function.
You need to call your local WA and get a support worker.
You need to get a mental health assessment that shows that you have no problems but that you were abused by this man!
Please see this as the ultimate warning to never talk to this man again, to never seek contact to him or whatsoever.
It is now important that you are calm.
The spiked drink was spiked obviously from what you write. If you have no history of drugs then that is fine.
You can tell social services that you think he spiked the drink and the took/ takes drugs. That will be very helpful in the custody battle.
(detail removed by Moderator) It is your task now to convince them otherwise. Rights of Women can give you advise with that and WA also helps.
You need to do what social services tells you and you need to remain calm.
You need to tell social services what this man has put you through and how this contributed to losing your baby. You need to tell them that you need their help and protection.
Stay focused! I know it is hard, but you have to. Swallow all upset and keep it for a time when you can let it out.
Write down what you say against him. You need a long list, a neverending list. They have to see that you are the victim. Get your family and friends as witnesses.
18th April 2016 at 9:34 pm #14431
Thank you for your advice. I’m going to write a list of everything he has done to me that’s contributed to my situation now. I’ll try and get social services to listen to me. It’s horrible because I have done everything in my power to give my children what they deserve. I wasn’t this person before I met him.
18th April 2016 at 9:38 pm #14433
But … ask WA to help you with the SS, they can give you a support worker and liaise with them. That will be better for you. And call Rights of Women.
Did you go to the Freedom Programme? x*x
18th April 2016 at 10:09 pm #14437
I went to one session last year and didn’t feel it was rite for me as I was still totally under his control and believed rush if I could work out how to communicate like a normal person then he wouldn’t get so angry. I’m going to go back to it because I FIANLLY see that I’m not to blame. Just hope it’s not too little too late
18th April 2016 at 10:12 pm #14438
It is never too late. You will learn a lot in that course and that will be good for you and your children.
I hope everything turns out in your favor. Stay focused. You can do that! x*x
19th April 2016 at 7:49 pm #14519
How are you today? Did things move in the right direction for you? x*x
19th April 2016 at 7:56 pm #14523
However much in turmoil you feel, try to be the graceful swan- be firm and in control and assertive in the outside, tell them calmly what he did.
If you are emotional and a mess, however unfair this is, an unsympathetic SW could think this counts against you. I was accused of being an emotional risk to my kids just because I was tearful when telling Cafcass what I had been through, and was trembling. My DV worker told me to think that emotion is my enemy in this situation, however hard it is to hide it.
These officials don’t know us. They didn’t witness the abuse. How do they know that we are innocent? They are just judging our present state.
As soon as I appeared more in control, Cafcass were more positive towards me.
This isn’t denying what he did. He is hoping that he has distressed you enough to make you a mess and so you lose out. Show him you are stonger. Be in charge if your emotions- at least in front of the SW and other officials. Then come and sound off here!
I just know your ex’s game. He has always tried to use your emotions against you as a weapon. Knowledge is power. x
19th April 2016 at 7:57 pm #14524
I got her back in the end. He’s using my mental health against me and now social services have opened a caf against me… I guess it means everyone is involved now. Just got to hope for the best x thank you for thinking of me x
19th April 2016 at 8:27 pm #14527
Good to hear from you.
Go with the flow and stay strong. They are on you now. Do as Serenity said. You can go through this. Keep a straight face on the outside.
I know, it is insane to deny us emotions. What do these a.. think? But you have no choice.
You have been through so much. You will fight this battle as well. x*x
19th April 2016 at 8:33 pm #14529
If they have opened a CAF,don’t feel a failure- they might be able to get you support to help you recover from his abuse.
I asked for the help of the children’s services after he left, as he was abusing me and I was a shambles.
They came in a few times, just to lend support and to show the kids I had back-up.
If your ex is a good liar and abuser, he will try to feign innocence to SS and the thing is, they are such good liars and actors, they can fool a lot of people.
You can’t change that- at least for now. What you can control is you. Even if you feel like you are a mess, strive to show SS you are in control. Be open about his abuse, but say it in a controlled way.
Abuse is still not dealt with properly be these agencies. SS has a stupid focus on supporting dads too much, however abusive. What you need to do is make sure that they can’t accuse you of anything. That is, show them that without your ex near you, you are less emotional- show them how your children are your focus.
We all understand you here and support you. I just want you be aware of his game, so he doesn’t win, as he will try. He will try to use your emotions, as he thinks they are your weakness.
It’s perfectly natural that you are a mess. I just don’t want you to go through what I did. Xx
19th April 2016 at 8:49 pm #14539
I’m utterly in the thick of it now. I feel so stupid that I’ve let him run me into the ground like this. I’ve followed him around like a lost puppy and I have totally let my emotions take control.
My health visitor is absolutely amazing she’s gone above and beyond. She sat with me today for well over an hour and point blank says it’s clear what he’s been doing.. She said she could see it the first time she met him. He called ss on me saying I was emotionally unstable (I was but only because he wouldn’t give me my baby). My health visitor pleaded my case to ss and told them that he is a charmer. She also agreed with my opinion that he will say he gave her back because he wanted to make me happy and that a baby should be with its mother… However it’s obvious that he gave her back because he cojnt manage… She came back soaking wet.. Having not had her feeds,with her vest buttoned completely wrong and with no coat or hat on. He knows absolutely nothing about how to look after her.
My health visitor has told me to write everything that’s ever happened between us… I have to hold some faith that this really has been abuse… That the abuse came before the mental health. The mental health is a result not the cause. I always had little self esteem before but I managed. I was self employed with an active social life, lots of friends, I was a single mum and had never ever had any involvement with the cmht or ss before I met him.
19th April 2016 at 8:58 pm #14542
Don’t feel guilt. Abusers have this effect on their victims. Mental and emotional abuse is so destructive to victims.
The shame is all his.
It is so great that your health visitor can see him for what he is!
Yes, log all these things x
19th April 2016 at 10:09 pm #14551
It’s such a relief. That she believes me. I’ve never had anyone side with me like she is. I’ve always had to fight to be believed. I’m fuming with ss. In the past they told me they were concerned for my children in his presence because of his violence but now tell me that it doesn’t count because he’s not been convicted and that means he’s still considered able to have the his daughter alone. They called my eldest daughters school to see if she is happy and well which she is but the school called me and told me that ss had told them I had mental health problems… Gah! They can’t do that. I’m just so angry at them and I’m angry at myself for trying to protect him and not telling the police everything he’s done when it happened.
20th April 2016 at 11:52 am #14622godschildParticipant
starmoon, this is horrific what he has done to you. Fight with everything yo have against him. He clearly is incapable of looking after the baby, yet yo have suffered a misacarriage and looked after it all through that. Any Woman would be so emotionally upset, with having the dilema of the termination then losing the baby and he left you to it, your hormones will be in havoc, you need real support and so good your HV is understanding.
You need to show every bit of evidance you have that he has sent you, they all try to say we are mentally ill, its disgusting.
Tell the whole story of him and his use of drugs, show them that you are a good Mom and that you are only emotionally upset due to what he has put you through, they all do this this then try to say you are mentally ill and to try to get the children taken is inhuman.
We are all rooting for you on here, try to keep your emotions locked in when speaking to anyone , show how strong and capable you are , you may crumble afterwards, but these people like SS etc judge and you need to show them how capable you are and the fact he has no no idea how to care for a baby at all.
The fact that he tok her form you shows he is capable of anything and he shod be made only to have supervised visits as he is incapable of physical care for the baby and took it away for its mother telling a pack of lies.
I hope this all works pout in your favour and you get good people on your side x
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