I’m going- what do I do about after?

This topic contains 9 replies, has 5 voices, and was last updated by Profile photo of  Anonymous 1 week, 3 days ago.

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  • #68053
    Profile photo of she-ra she-ra 
    Participant

    Hi lovelies,

    So I’ve been posting for a couple of years now on and off. I’ve finally reached my limit, I just can’t do this anymore. I’ve started the process to rent a house on my own with the children. Been to view, been accepted and it’s enpty and ready to go when all the checks come back. He doesn’t know. I’m so nervous, but I’m definitely going. I just need to know what to do. What do I do about furniture? Bills that are all in my name at current property? My email account which he uses as his own? Kids clothes, TVs etc, animals etc? How do I do this? I’m on the lease at current house, do I just ring them and say Ive left? I’ve only phoned helpline twice, never spoken to police or anything. I’ve rented new house on my own, no one knows. So I’ll be going on my own with kids too. Do I start moving stuff without him noticing when I get keys, little by little bit there’s no way I can pay two lots of bills for very long. I pay everything in our house, he pays for nothing. Can I just ring them and swap into his name? So sorry for all the questions I just can’t work the logistics. I work full time and he’s unemployed and never ever leaves the house. Also car is in his name so I guess I have to leave that too. Biggest thing is children, what paperwork do I put in place so when we leave they don’t have to see him? Any advice greatly appreciated thanks so muchxxx

  • #68060
    Profile photo of Iwantmeback Iwantmeback 
    Participant

    Hi she-ra, that is a huge step, well done🙂
    So the cars in his name, who pays for it, my car is in my name but he pays for it. I know i couldn’t afford this one but i will another one. Once my credit rating is better.
    If you’re paying the car through finance or bank loan, cancel the payments,contact them and explain the situation, they’ll do the rest. Not sure about your housing situation but I’d definately let them know you are moving out, you have no choice to because of him. As for the bills change them into his name, that responsibility removes your responsibility to pay them, but double check this. They’ll soon put him out if he doesnt pay the rent😏
    move things that you can’t do without bit by bit, the rest just leave, your safety and happiness is more important than ‘stuff’. Is it possible to have someone with you when moving things out. Also if you inform the police I’m sure they’d have officers with you for you to move your stuff out. I’m not sure but i think they make him leave while you’re packing up. A wee phone call to them should help with this. If he wilfully damages or destroys your things it’s a chargeable offense.. change password on email account on the day you move, that will lock him out. Is it okay to take the pets with you, if it’s an issue, dogs trust can help especially in an abusive situation. They can hold the animals til as such time you can take them back, so you’ll know they’e safe and looked after🙂
    These are all the questions we need answers to, that’s why I’d like a step by step guide in what to do when leaving, not just the good advice given to leave safely😏
    Good luck lovely, I’m sure you’ll get much more advice from the other lovely ladies who have already taken your step.
    The last thing at this stage is to put yourself and the bairns in danger. Hope the next time you contact us, you’re in your own place with furniture and your things and the kids toys all around you. 💜💜💕💕

  • #68061
    Profile photo of KIP. KIP. 
    Participant

    Please contact your local women’s aid. They will give you all the help and advice. Let the current lease holder know you are leaving because of domestic abuse and will not be returning. Get some free advice from Rights for Women. Or most solicitors will give you half hour free session. You may also be able to get legal aid if there is domestic abuse involved. Ring the helpline number on here to keep yourself right. Lots of charity shops have great second hand furniture to get you started. If you’re removing furniture I would ask the police to attend with you. Get a man and van to move beds etc. Well done x

  • #68064
    Profile photo of she-ra she-ra 
    Participant

    Thanks so much for your replies ladies it means so much. Like you say I have so many questions. I went and had a free half hour with a solicitor a little while ago and they said as he has parental responsibility in theory he can keep the children and not return them which absolutely petrifies me, under no circumstances do I want him to see them. The biggest one hates him with a vengeance and the others just try to keep the peace bless them but never want to be on their own with him. Things the solicitor said scared me a bit, so hard to think about and understand the legal side. Just want peace and for us all to be safe and happy. So many questions and what ifs. I’ll maybe try my local WA I’ve never spoken to them before. Xx

  • #68068
    Profile photo of Iwantmeback Iwantmeback 
    Participant

    The solicitor you used i take it wasn’t really versed in DA. Yes he has parental rights in an ordinary divorce. When abuse enters the equation it’s no longer a ordinary divorce. Best thing is to speak to WA, if you cant get through on the national helpline, contact your local one. You are their primary carer, and you dont think they are safe with him whether verbally physically or otherwise. Don’t give him access until you find out where you stand, that way you are in control and not worrying if he’ll return them.
    Good luck. Keep strong💜

  • #68092
    Profile photo of she-ra she-ra 
    Participant

    Thank you Iwantmebac. I did go to a dv specialist solicitor or that’s what it said on the advert! Because I’ve never been to police or gp they basically says there’s no evidence so it will be my word against his. She did say the older children will be listened to and the eldest ones voice carries the most weight in court, which is good as my eldest hates him and is desperate to tell everyone the truth and leave him behind. I’ll try local wa xx

  • #68144
    Profile photo of Iwantmeback Iwantmeback 
    Participant

    Hi She-ra, it’s not too late to see your doctor. They know it takes us so much courage to visit them and speak out about being abused. If you’ve journalled how you’ve been treated, that can be taken Into account. It’s good that your eldest will speak out. Our kids amaze us don’t they. Give them THE biggest squishiest hug fae me, I feel so emotional thinking of what they are prepared to do💜💜

    IWMB 💕💕

  • #68160
    Profile photo of Tiffany Tiffany 
    Participant

    Talk to Women’s Aid. They are going to give you the best advice. But, for what it’s worth, it sounds like you are still trying to think of what will make things easiest for your abuser. You don’t have to do that. Anything that is in your name, cancel it! He can set up his own TV/phone/electricity contacts. With the house, you probably can’t change the tenant, unless it is a private rental not going through an agency, in which case they might be glad to have a new tenant straight away. If you are the only one on the lease then end it. If not you may well need his permission to end it (I had a joint tenancy agreement and found myself in that situation) in that case wasn’t until you are out before you try to sort that. Contact whoever you let from and explain the situation and see what they tell you. Don’t prioritise making sure he has a place to stay. Prioritise making sure you cut as many ties with him as possible.

  • #68165
    Profile photo of  Anonymous

    Hi she-ra,

    With your children being older this is really good as far a court goes. Their voice will carry weight. I got my daughter to write in her own private diary what her thoughts and feelings were re seeing her dad. The judge read this before we went into court. I did not see the diary and wasn’t part of this it was suggested by the therapist she saw. The court or your ex then can’t say you’ve put words In their mouths. It’s coming from what they’ve witnessed. This is abuse in itself. There’s an f9 form too its for the sheriff and is the voice of the child. The law society provide a form called the helping hands form it’s completed with a trusted person and your child it is submitted to the lawyer then to the judge only. It’s a fair way of doing it I guess. It shows your not alienating them too. Which is an old trick they pull out of the bag xx You stand a really good chance of no contact if that’s what your children want. Xx 💕 supervised and indirect an option but I didn’t see how that would work considering he just couldn’t seem to help himself being an absolute idiot ! X*x DIY

  • #68166
    Profile photo of  Anonymous

    I should say also the courts build up contact slowly, so if you offer indirect, sometimes it goes to supervised at a contact centre, if all goes well outwith the centre. I’d always go zero it’s the only one you can’t build on. Xx

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