I'm here again feel free to ignore my rants

[Countrylass]

I’ve not been on here for ages. After the initial feeling like I’d found so many like minded people I started worrying I was making it all worse by sort of demonising him in my own head. So I came off here and tired hard. We’ve had some really lovely moments. But the other 80% has been exhausting. So here I am :(. It’s the small things that build up. I get sworn at alot. Alot. The anger is like touch paper. I get screamed at, sworn at then told to sit down and “listen good” and I get a lecture about what I did wrong. Then I’m forced to appologise. This may be over something like I repainted an old piece of furniture. It was my furniture from my family. A very cheap old item not a family airloom or a lovely oak thing. I’d already painted it a year ago and it was just about to go on the bonfire. He was nearly in tears about it. Like after shouting I should feel sorry about this genius crime I’d committed. This over reaction and extreme form of mental punishment is exhausting. It can happen 3 or 4 times a day. I’m always forced to appologise. I rarely do which then results in me being threatened – mostly verbally (the threats have slightly reduced in seriousness becuase I threatened the police and called my mother while he drunkenly ranted at me so now he is more careful).

And yet. I’m still here. Tied up with property and finances. It’s not easy to leave. And I don’t have the energy right now. And weirdly when he’s amazing I do love him again.

Just so tired. And instead of sitting out on a sunny day I sobbed in my room. He brought me some food and said sorry but angrily.

But I can’t forgive each of these seriously worrying controlling abusive outbursts. I can’t say it’s ok let’s just get on. It’s gett ing harder to say yeah it’s ok.

Am I the only fool out there? X

[KIP.]

I was a fool for decades. The abuse over the furniture is familiar. He wasn’t interested in the furniture but he uses the furniture as an excuse to abuse you. Because that makes him feel good. I once got the most appalling abusive episode because I bought the “wrong milk”. I’d gone to the shops gat all the weekly shopping carried it in, unpacked it and out it away when he stomps through, opens the fridge and goes nuts. It’s just not right. Not caring behaviour. They just change the goal posts which confuses us even more as we try to change our behaviour to avoid another outburst. Nothing will prevent another outburst and abuse always gets worse. I just got to the point where he had hurt me too much. Too badly to recover from. The trouble is while you are with an abuser your headspace shrinks so you can’t rationalise things like leaving and finances etc. All your head is taken up with staying safe. Only now I’m beginning to free up lots of headspace and life is great. Colourful. Makes sense. Don’t waste anymore of your life for twenty percent when you could have one hundred percent x

[Borntobefree]

Hi countrylass
You deserve to be happy hes sending your head into spin.. Property and finances was the last thing on my mind when I left my abuser. Its taken me a few yrs to get sorted.. It was hard to start again but I made it I never gave up.. When the time is right you will be free.. But only.you can break the cycle..

A house is just bricks and water.. Your happiness is more important hun

Sending you postive vibes X

[Countrylass]

Thank u both. I’m still unsure and I feel bad about that. I know it’s not right. When these outbursts happen I tend to shut down now. I used to argue but now I go numb and go upstairs. The quieter I am the more he will appologise and try to make me come backdownstairs and enjoy my evening with him. He doesn’t understand u can’t tell abuse at someone then shout at them to stop them shutting down or crying and forcing them to enjoy the next 2 hours with them. Controlling and it makes u feel like a robot:( . I’m glad u both gave positive outcomes…this could take me years x*x

[Countrylass]

By the way KIP, I feel for u in the shopping and wrong milk scenario. That’s exactly the sort of issue that could erupt here. One tiny move wrong and everything else u have done for weeks and months doesn’t count. It’s exhausting. I described as being kissed, called names and shouted at and then asked to be passionately kissed again. That’s just how it feels. And by god u don’t want that second kiss do U?!!

And what u say about headspace is so true. I feel I spend my days and night with him and our issues rolling around in there like a big black storm and no space for anytbing else. I’ve tried reading or writing or anything to make it disappear but then there is another issue and it’s back to him dominating my days even when he isn’t here.

I’ve heard that people who go out with alcoholics have to detach. I’m trying hard to do that. I try hard not to talk about it but sometimes find myself having a moan and then wish I hadn’t cos it’s back in the room with me.

All of u who he said no and walked away – I have the utmost respect for u guys. Very very brave xx

[KIP.]

Hi, after a dreadful outburst my ex would often insist on sex. It was sickening but if I dint give in then I knew his abuse would continue. I became a non person. That’s how controlling behaviour works. Saps our energy. Yes, it’s a brave thing to do, to walk away with the potential consequences. But the consequences you feel are often a fantasy instilled by him. I was always told no one would want me with my mental illness, I couldn’t afford to live on my own. Total nonsense. It’s him that’s floundering in debt now. I’m the happiest and most financially secure I’ve been in years. They actually hold us back x

[Good samaritan]

I can completely understand about the property and finance country lass. I was fortunate that the house was solely in my name as at least I had that as a catalyst to make the change in needed to. The goals were constantly been moved and nothing I did was ever good enough. If anything went wrong if we were doing a project together he would blame me and say I was wrong or it was my fault it didn’t work out how he wanted or expected. The fact is he had no patients at all he rushed everything and behaved child like. If I asked him not to open the door of the car until I put the lead on the dog (because he bolted) he would open it just to show his authority over me and if I dared to challenge he would make me get in the car and screech around like a l*****c belittling me and intimidating me at the same time with a face I could only describe as pure evil and rage like. It got to the point I just could not tolerate it and either he went or I would have done something to myself just to escape him. I didn’t want to cause that trauma for my daughter and grandkids though. It’s several months down the line now and although I feel a huge relief that the relationship is over there are still feelings of wonder arise that if I had done something different perhaps it could have worked but in reality it had long enough to be a happy relationship and it is highly unlikely things would ever change if I had stayed with him. I’m facing homelessness but would rather be on the street than live through that pain with him again.

[Countrylass]

Bless u two. My goodness Good Samaritan I can totally understand. When they wh8soer nasty things so no one can hear or shut the doors so they can scream in your face in private. Horrid.

And KIP I can’t fault u for giving in for peace. So many women do. I had one occasion like that but wasn’t forced or shouted at but accused of being frigid and unexciting etc in a particular place and I gave in. I’ll never forget it. To this day he thinks I enjoyed it.

Oh my oh my. This is complicated isn’t it. U two r survivors for sure and give strength to us all. Thank u so much for support xx

[Countrylass]

Ps Good Samaritan I too have similar shows of authority and often involving our animals as we don’t have kids. To put them in danger for ego is unreal but it’s happened many times. Or when neighbours complain about something he does it again to prove he’s n8t being bosses by anyone and it’s us that have to make peace with everyone they upset.

It sounds like u got out for good reason and your days of doubt must be like alcoholics kicking the booze. You’ve done it. Get support and don’t take bullying again xx

[Tiffany]

I thought for years that the good 20% was as good as I could have – that it was as much as I was capable of. I have about 80% good now, and much of the bad in the remaining 20% is residual from the abuse. I thought I had burned all my boats. I had left my (abusive) fiance, lost my job, lost my savings and moved back in with my parents. And my life is brilliant. It took a year to get back on my feet. But I am back, and I am coping (mostly) and I am happy (mostly) it gets better. And it was worth every penny I lost.

[Good samaritan]

The hard part for me is it made me feel as though I was his employee and not his equal partner. I literally ended up his slave just to keep the peace even making me run his baths. I was left to do all his secretarial duties as well as cook, cleaner and taxi driver. All I have left after the years of hard work trying to make it work and please him has left me with nothing to show for it except continued mental trauma. Before I met him I used to love been in the garden with the dog keeping it tidy now it’s just a mess and the neighbours don’t speak because he tried to get them evicted for anti social behaviour.

[Countrylass]

I think sometimes I’m in it for selfish reasons. To keep what I have and to have what we plan for still. Yet here I am hiding in the bath becuase he’s drunk as a skunk and has just come home. That’s it for me now tonight. Ill have to stay upstairs and my animals get a drunk person but I’m not risking going back down stairs now. It’s just fuel to the fire. What a crazy situation. Tiffany, well done for being so utterly brave. Xx and Good Samaritan I used to be friends with everyone in my village and now I feel sort of ashamed. Neighbour has trouble with him and the mess he’s made of our garden. The peace I had with my animals outside has gone too :(. Xx

[Good samaritan]

He made me sell everything I had before I met him and replaced it with what he wanted. I didn’t even know he had ordered a new sofa until it was delivered and it didn’t even go with anything in the house nor was it practical as my room isn’t designed for that style of sofa. I was that fearful of how he would react I felt I had no choice but to accept it even though I didn’t want it. It was the same with the TV services he wanted the most expensive package and neither of us were home that much to even watch TV plus all he ever watched was porn so I either went upstairs out of his way took the dog out or sat in an awkward silence. Then he went round telling everyone when I did kick him out I was ungrateful and he had paid for everything because he worked when the fact is he never contributed anything to the house or the bills because he made me claim benefits and tell them he never lived here because he only stayed on the weekend. Then when we split he reported me for benefit fraud. I hate myself for not been strong enough sooner because that damage is irreversible and taken the integrity I used to have away. I feel so ashamed about everything

[Countrylass]

Good Samaritan, that sounds awful. Truelly horrid. You were in a cycle of abuse and it’s clear to the outsider. All of those things would upset me too hugely and I know how hard it is to challenge them or make plans to go. It’s tiring. I’m so glad u got out. Xx

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