I'm in need of some understanding.

[SushiRolls]

Hello, its nice to meet all of you. After another sleepless night filled with bad thoughts that I am desperately trying to push down, I googled “How to accept an abusive relationship”. I stumbled upon this forum. I’ve been reading through some of your posts and its honestly given me some hope that I can, hopefully, be as strong as you women are.

I am not really sure where to start with my story, I am still trying to make sense of it myself. I sometimes wonder if I even have the right to call my relationship an abusive one. I am not even sure it was abuse. It felt like it. But, maybe he was right and I was the abusive one.
Its been (detail removed by Moderator) months since he left me for someone younger than me. We were together for (detail removed by Moderator) years. It was long distance(he lived in a (detail removed by Moderator) country), but with regular visits. We would spend all day and night in a cam call otherwise. He was my first everything, even down to kissing and hand holding. It started off amazing. He would shower me with attention and affection. Say I was the most beautiful girl in the world. I was funny, smart, kind. I was everything good to him, and he was to me. But it turned sour pretty fast, he had anger issues. I was strong and told him that if it happened again I was gone. That I should never be talked to the way he talked to me. He was sorry, blamed it on his upbringing and that he believed he had ADHD, I tried to be kind and understanding and forgave him. All was good again. But then a week, maybe 2, later the same thing would happen. It became a pattern, it felt like a dance. We were fine, he flipped out at me and punched doors, walls, the desk. Made fun of my face, my smile, the way I speak. Then he was sorry, showered me with compliments, affection, he’d buy me something I’d wanted. I always heard people say that “couples argue” so I thought this was normal. I think I just accepted that this was the way it was, he could never understand why I couldn’t move on. Why I asked for an apology. He just thought I should move on because he said so. So I stopped being “strong”, and just accepted it all.

He never really committed to me, he said I was his girlfriend, but he wasn’t my boyfriend. After about (detail removed by Moderator) months in he started to leave me, and by leave I mean he would decline calls, ignore messages. I could see he was online and playing games, but he’d just cut me out of his life. This happened maybe once a month, sometimes more(towards the end it was happening every week). Either for no reason at all(I later found out it was because he was bored of me, or he was trying to win over another girl). Most times he would leave me because of things like, that I laughed in the wrong way when he made a joke, and if people were there then I was an embarrassment. I was old and tried too hard. So I changed my laugh, my smile, I stopped trying to get to know his friends. In the end I just didn’t talk unless spoken to. He’d just stop talking to me for days, weeks. I couldn’t understand why he wouldn’t say he loved me when he claimed he did. I couldn’t understand why he’d lied to a girl and said he was single, used the same affection techniques on her that he had on me. I couldn’t understand why he’d do that if he loved ME. He wanted me to accept it, move on with no explanation or apology from him. When I cried and broke down and told him I couldn’t be with him if he was still talking to her, he said “fine”, muted me, laughed at me crying on cam, then stopped talking to me for over (detail removed by Moderator). He came back. I forgave him because I just felt so alone and worthless. He left me for that girl around (detail removed by Moderator) times(that I know of) in the (detail removed by Moderator) years we were together. I think at that point I accepted that this was how it was. I started to believe I wouldn’t get better than his “love”. I was so relieved when he came back, after days or weeks or months of being alone. I was just so happy not to be anymore. So I just let it all slide.

When we would meet up(he would stay at my place for (detail removed by Moderator)), it was great. He’d shower me with affection. But after about 8 visits. I started to notice he would criticise everything I did, how I chopped an onion for example. He’d sigh and say things like “You just really don’t understand how to do anything do you?”. He’d be angry, huffing and puffing, then he’d look at me and see I was starting to cry or I was shocked, and he’d cuddle me and kiss me and joke around until I laughed. Showed me the “proper way” to do things, explained it like I was mentally slow. Again it became a pattern, this is how it was when we were physically together. Every single time he went home, about a week later he would leave me for weeks. I never understood why he did that either.

He would make me do sexual things. But I am not even sure it was forced? He’d ask me to do things on webcam over and over, sigh when I said no, told me he wouldn’t be “satisfied” if he didn’t see what he wanted. So I did these things, mainly because I wanted him to be happy, but also because I just wanted him to stop asking me. Every time he asked me to do things that hurt and I had to say no, it was reminding me that I couldn’t make him happy sexually. Or make him happy at all. That happened every night. So I just said yes in the end, I was like a robot. Just a performing girl. I’ve now got scarring because of those things he made me do. But I agreed to do it in the end, so did he make me? Was it forced? Is it my own fault?

After about (detail removed by Moderator) years in I was diagnosed with a life long illness, (detail removed by Moderator). It meant that for over (detail removed by Moderator) years my body and brain had not been getting enough oxygen. After I had treatment my mind improved, I was starting to remember all of the things he had done and said to me. I started to question him, asked why he’d say things like that to me if he loved me. Asked why he still couldn’t say “I love you”, why did he say “love you too” in a quick mumble? I started to deny him sex(or sex camming), stopped doing the things he liked because I was tired of the discomfort and pain. I told him I felt like a sex doll. That he just wanted an agreeable, emotionless, sex doll. I wanted pleasure, I wanted love, I wanted intimacy. I demanded more, demanded what I needed, or I was gone. I think this was the only time he was scared of losing me. He attempted to improve his behaviour but after a month or so it all slowly went back to how it was before. He would still push for the sexual things he wanted, even though he knew it had damaged my body. He would still call me names, call me mental because I’d get upset by his behaviour, he told me I should see a therapist because I was bipolar(I’m not) and mentally insane. He would tell me no one would love me if I didn’t clean up my act. The threat of him leaving, of finding someone “better” was always shown to me. He’d always remind me of it. For the last year of the relationship, I just became empty and angry. I didn’t attempt to talk to him, make an effort, say I loved him. I feel like I’ve lost my personality, I’ve lost interest in the things that made me happy. On his last visit here, we were planning for him to move here. He was finally going to make the commitment. I believed him, I finally believed he loved me. In (detail removed by Moderator), just (detail removed by Moderator) weeks after he left my place, he started to freeze me out. A new girl was on the scene, he claimed she was just a friend, I knew better and I should of left him then. Maybe (detail removed by Moderator) weeks later, I had an early miscarriage. Around (detail removed by Moderator) days later that he left me for her. He never gave me an explanation for why he left, he just stopped talking to me. I had to find out myself. After about (detail removed by Moderator) months of him being with her and no contact with me, he flipped out at me again randomly. Messaged me and called me every single nasty name you can think of, said I am boring and fat and no one will want me now. He never believed I had a miscarriage, he said I was insane and a psychopath.

About (detail removed by Moderator) ago he contacted a mutual friend, asking about me and asking for my contact information. My friend came to me straight away and told him nothing. I know things didn’t work out with the girl he left me for, she cheated on him, and I have heard hes very sad and lonely. I’ve blocked him on everything. I don’t think he remembers my address, or even my last name. But I’m scared he wont leave me alone as I owe him money too.

And that’s pretty much it, that’s the story of my relationship. Well theres more details, but I have already wrote enough at this point! It is abuse? Was it my own fault for not leaving him sooner? Was I over-reacting? Am I mental?
I can’t sleep as I just have nightmares or I am filled with all of those times he hurt me. I can’t trust anyone else, and I am struggling to date. I can’t understand why he could do the things he did. I can’t get over the loss of a baby I never had. Is that normal?
How do I accept the things that happened and make peace with it all?

Thank you so much if anyone takes the time to read this, I know it might not make sense or seem like I am whining. But I had to get it out, and hopefully get some insight from you lovely women. So thank you if you do read it.

[KIP.]

Hi, yes he is an abuser and also a despicable human being. The fact that you need understanding is a sure sign you’ve been abused. I remember being in a state of shock when my relationship ended just thinking what the hell happened to me. A miscarriage is a terrible thing to go through and his denial is cruel and emotional abuse. Please seek out some good counselling and keep blocking this man from everything. Ring the police if he contacts you. Abusers like to keep a hook in us so they can return to us when they’re looking for someone to abuse. By lending you money, that’s his excuse to contact you. Forget about paying him back. Ignore his claims of a loan. You owe him nothing. Read Living with the Dominator by Pat Craven. Abusers are often serial cheaters and Pathalogical liars. Their behaviour is so cruel and unbelievable that we think we are insane trying to work them out. The trauma he put you through will take professional help and quite some time to work through, try to contact women’s aid for some help. Look at the Freedom Programme they run and call the helpline number on her for support and validation.

[Iwantmeback]

Hi there, yes my dear sweet beautiful lady he abused you totally and utterly. He sounds very n**********c, picking you up to discard you when he got bored. The pain of losing your baby is something that I promise will diminish but it will take time. I think there’s many of us on here lost at least one baby in our lifetime. No matter how far on you were, you had started a new life and that’s very hard to accept when we lose it.
Have you ever been offered therapy re the abuse you have suffered. He sexually abused you even by camsex. Many abusers get us to do things whether sexually or against the law, to show how much we love them, or to stop them going elsewhere. My husband has threatened to go elsewhere throughout our whole relationship, for some reason he doesn’t do it now. Maybe because he knows it really wouldn’t bother me and it would give me concrete grounds for a divorce.
There’s m no right and wrong way to cut any vegetable it’s another way of abusing you, making our he knows more about the world than you do. He sounds a right nasty piece of work. I was very proud of you when I read about how you were standing up to him. We do eventually turn. There was nothing you did to make him treat you like this. It’s literally down to him and chemicals released in the body. He gets to feel good about himself, superior and so very important when he’s getting you to do things against your wishes(that’s coercion/manipulation), it releases feel good chemicals in his brain but it wears off quickly so he needs to do it more and more, that’s when you were noticing the pattern repeat itself. As for why you stayed, it was really not that easy to just leave. When we fall in love, chemicals are also released in our brains(the same ones released that help us bond with our babies at birth), but these same chemicals are also released when we are in a fearful situation. When the man we love is responsible for those chemical reactions, that’s why it’s hard to leave. Have you heard of Stockholm syndrome, in cases of abuse it’s referred to trauma bonding, if you Google this it will shed some light on why you couldn’t leave as will googling FOG created by living in an abusive relationship, this stands for fear, obligation and guilt.
I’m so so sorry to hear you have been prey to this man, these men are emotional vampires and they literally stop the life and vitality out of us. Have you spoken to women’s aid yet, if you cant get through on the national helpline try your local one instead. If you really need to speak to someone else as you can’t get through, try the Samaritans too.theyre not all knowledgeable on domestic abuse, so if you feel the person you’re talking you isn’t hearing you, just hang up. There’s always someone on here to read your posts and will answer you back at some point.
You are away from him, he has no hold on you anymore my friend. Make sure you go absolutely no contact with him. He’s lower than a snakes belly, and deserves no more of your time. It’s a long journey, it takes courage to put one foot in front of the other day by day, but you are away from him. That alone is something to be so very happy about, even though you probably don’t feel it just yet.
Start keeping a journal, if you haven’t already, of everything he has done to you. I don’t know if you could bring criminal/civil charges against him, due to where he lives but knowing what he’s done, maybe even filling out an online disclosure form about him with relevant police authorities, police Scotland, metropolitan police in England, Irish or Welsh police when you’re able. This would put him on the police radar and also help other women keep their distance in future.
Keep posting sweetheart, keep reading others posts. You started getting stronger the day you realised he was abusing you, you just didn’t know it.
Much love and strength coming your way.
Love and light IWMB 💕💕

[EbonyRaven]

Hello and welcome. I agree with Kip, keep blocking him and call the police (really) if he contacts you.

Sounds like he probably lived off you when he was around, as little as that was, so keep the money as help toward food and bills. You deserve it for putting up with him anyway.

You’re not mental, it is incredible what these men can do to us, and if you were already living in a fog because of a lack of oxygen in your blood cells, he took advantage of that, and used it for his own ends.

I’m sorry you’re having nightmares. Do try to get onto the Freedom Programme in your area, I’m sure that will help you work through some of this.

[SushiRolls]

Wow, I am very overwhelmed by your responses. Its stunned me to have some validation and kindness. Its been quite emotional seeing my experiences written down like that. I feel like I am really starting to see it was abuse, and I am not just whining.

I am seeing an occupational therapist on Monday and I will open up to her a little about my needs for counselling. I’ve not shared it with any mental health professional yet. I think I feel quite ashamed that I let it happen to me. But I do truly believe I need some professional help.

I’d never thought about the chemicals in the brain involved in it all, I just assumed I stayed because I was weak and it was as good as I will get. I’d heard of Stockholm syndrome but I had never thought it applied to my experience. I guess because he never hit me directly(although I think it would of been if he could of), I just thought what he did was never serious. But now I am out of it, I feel almost emotionally hungover? I can see everything a lot more clearly and I am remembering different things. Its all hard to explain.

I like the idea of keeping a journal, I am definitely going to try that. I’ll also read the book that’s been recommended, it looks helpful. I’ve just had a look for a Freedom Programme in my area and theres one close by, so I am going to email the lady there.

Thank you so so much for taking the time to read my post and replying with such lovely and kind words. I can’t tell you how much it means to me to be understood.

[Iwantmeback]

Hi Sushirolls, if it helps any, my doctor told me that she’s as much responsible for taking care of my mental health as much as she is fir my physical. Doctors are learning more and more about abuse and it’s symptoms and the effects it has, as are other front line professionals. Being out of it is exhausting. The tiredness is overwhelming, I’ve never slept so much in my life, my diet is awful, I no longer exercise, I find it very hard being around family and friends(mainly because I’m still with my oh).
It’s great there’s a freedom programme near you. The more you learn about this the more you will eventually realise and believe that this had nothing to do with you. I’ve said many times, we could be Mother Theresa, our partners would still find something wrong with her.
Take things really slowly, treat yourself often. I think because you are away from him, your brain will allow more and more of what he did to you, said and made you do, it will begin to resurface. This only happens because you are no longer in a position of danger, so the brain allows you to process what went on. It’s scary, so have distractions in place, people to phone if you have a wobble, journal on hand to write things down.
There’s always someone on here to answer anything that will be on your mind, no topic is off limits.
Take care of yourself, I can’t wait to hear a difference in your posts. It’s amazing how we pick up on how positive we start to get. There will be days that you think you can’t go on, it might last for a few weeks, or a few days but they too will eventually get less and you’ll maybe only feel really down for a day or two. You’ve got this now.
best wishes and again welcome to the forum.
IWMB 💕💕

[Fudgecake]

Hello Sushirolls and welcome to the forum.
I agree with all the good advice here. I’m glad that you’re away from him now and it’s best to stay away permanently. He is a toxic personality and will not stop until he’s destroyed you if you are in contact.
Don’t hesitate to write on this forum and don’t worry about the length of your posts either. That is what this forum is for. It’s a place to come and talk to others who understand.
You have suffered a lot at the hands of this man and it will take along time to get over. Make sure you get support as advised here by others. Be kind to yourself and remain no contact permanently.

[Author]

Posts