I’m just so sad

[Imogen]

Hi,

It’s been a while since I was on here. Since I left him. All my close friends say how brave and strong I am. I don’t feel it. I feel broken, in pieces, exhausted. I feel so sad, so alone. Sure, I’ve taken myself on a couple of little holidays, I have so much planned to do as well, but it all feels so hollow. I feel so empty, like none of this is real. He took away my independence, my identity. I can get it back now, but it feels out of reach. I can’t rebuild myself. I can’t talk to anyone because they won’t hear me. They listen but don’t hear. I can go whole weekends without uttering a word, not seeing anyone. I put my faith into a friend who said they were there for me, there to support and help me. But they’ve got bored of me now. Like he did. I hate that phase, “I’m there for you”. When someone says that I take it with a pinch of salt. It’s an empty phrase. And yet, I tell them I am here to support them, in my best ability. Am I a hypocrite? I do mean it, and it does work for them. I almost crave their moans and disasters to distract me away from mine.

I’m sorry. I’m permanently sorry. I don’t think there is anything you can say. I think I just needed to write this out.

[lover of no contact]

Hi Imogen,

Those sad/longing feelings are part of the Aftermath of being entangled with an abuser. That feeling of a void and emptiness is hard. I read somewhere not to be afraid of the void, the void is actually a very creative place. I don’t know how but that’s what the writer said. I had to sit with the ‘void and empty feeling’. I couldn’t fill it with activity or food (as I used to). Its getting less now with time.

That aching is so hard, everything feels so empty and vacant without them or any man even.

The abuser occupied my time and my thoughts, I was kept busy with him and his drama and abuse. I now need to fill this time. I need to fill this time with doing something I enjoy, something that is about me.

We need distractions I read. It says to

-rekindle friendships
-see your family more
-take up those hobbies again
-start a new hobby
-Opt to lose weight or get fitter
-Learn a new language
-Go to places you have not been before
-Start a home improvement project

I also have to remind myself when I get the ‘longing, empty, hollow, vacant and aching feelings’ that they will not last forever, that I am making progress and I am taking steps forward everyday. Small steps are ok. You have taken big steps! Its great to have taken yourself away on little holidays. Progress not perfection.

I have to be patient and understand it will take time to move through the feelings of loss of the relationship (even though it was an abusive one).

[Imogen]

Thank you for sharing that LoverOfNoContact. Those are things I am trying to do. I get so far then wonder what I am doing it for.

He is posting blog entries publicising my leaving him, ostracising me. Casting me out. Maybe he is using his void to get back at me, to carry on the manipulation and bullying.

I like your “progress not perfection”, that speaks volumes, thank you.

I just want it to stop. I’m tired, exhausted with the nothingness and crying. Not for him but because I feel so alone and lost. So very tired.

[Confused123]

Hi HUn

Dont be hard on yourself, it takes time to rediscover yourself, its taken me (detail removed by moderator)years and am still workign on myself , set small goals for yourself, not everyone does understand, i find posting on here helped me a lot and i had to do a lot of self healing

[Imogen]

Thanks you Confused123 xx

It is a safe place here which helps a bundle.

[Author]

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