3rd December 2023 at 12:55 pm #163767
It’s been an awful time, he’s been back to his old self I thought things had improved but slowly he is back.
I’m scared to do something about this but can’t let this continue and usually as I build myself up he worms his way back or things settle down and I let it continue.
What I’m scared of is loosing him, I’m scared of getting him out and him hating me, this is stupid cos he hates me right now. But I will loose the nice, kind man I’ve been with for over two decades.
He’s aggressive towards the elder children, the younger says he’s angry and don’t want to be with him.
He was cursing and aggressive with body language towards our daughter. It’s not the first time with any of the older ones and it’s caused long term damage.
I’ve failed them and still am.
It’ll soon be Christmas and timing is bad if I were to do something. The kids seem forgiving but then speaking with them I’ve found they’re not and also blame me for letting their dad move bs k home after trying to separate. He manipulated this situation.
I feel the only way to make a proper break is to involved someone maybe occupation order but that feels so harsh and it’s not me to hurt anyone.
So mixed with my thoughts and feelings
3rd December 2023 at 1:38 pm #163768
Big hugs CB, and yeah! That’s a lot of thoughts and emotions to sort through.
This is prolly where Christmas is pretty crushing for all of us, having to live with our and our children’s abuser, through the holiday season. This time of year seems to highlight a lot of issues.
You don’t need to make a decision nor act right now. You have time, so long as you are keeping you and your children safe. While it is tempting to make a break for New Years, “new you” all that, instead you can take ownership of when it happens, ON YOUR OWN TIME, and make that a milestone that is as worthy of celebration as Christmas or New Years. This season is stressful, nevermind what we’re facing.
Give yourself some grace. Give yourself time to talk with your children and set things straight there.
Sending you much love and strength xX
4th December 2023 at 12:22 am #163799
browneyedmum you make perfect sense, i dont think im thinking straight with all the stress going on i have no break for days on end hes been with me all the time and its been absolutely awful. Kids are stressed out too.
Hopefully with christmas on the way it will calm again but im not sure as we all know its these occaisions that they love to cause commotions. I has been calmer this evening so im a little more level headed.
I just dont have any hope that i can get away from him as ive tried so many times and always get back with him.
I guess some of the regaining control is to decide when i do this and if i do this at all. The hardest part is worrying about not doing anything and how this impacts the children. Very much feels like im d****d if i do or if i dont, however everyone says once youre out for long enough you do see things more clearly, just never got that far.
I know im rambling here but its all stuck in my head with nowhere to go right now.
4th December 2023 at 1:22 pm #163802nbumblebeeParticipant
Cb truthfully i dont think any answer is easy. Stay or go its gonna be pants for a while its gonna hurt you and your kids.
What you need to think about is long term not christmas or next week but in a years time.
If you stay where will you be? You know hes not going to change he has proved that time and time again and you and your kids will just get beaten down further.
If you leave then think about where you could be in a year. How you will feel being free how wojld your kids feel seeing you free being free themselves?
No its not easy its never the right time it will stink for a while it really will but I guess what you need to think about actually what WE need to think about is where we wanna be a year from now.
Help is out there if you need it so grab it if you can. X
5th December 2023 at 11:03 pm #163832
Thanks nbumblebee, its really difficult to think straight when its constant unpleasentness. certain points in the day i think hes being ok again and, although im hurt and angry or resentful, I almost jump to it as all i want is for things to be ok. I feel totally out of control and its not nice. Hes in control.
Definitley dont want it to be like this in a year or two or when im really old and need to be cared for, I dread to think how that would be. Im guessing you feel just the same, but its so hard to break free after all those years.
I just dont want to keep reaching out to find I cant do it, I really thought last time I was free, although I contacted him and we started seeing each other I never wanted him to move back home, he made that happen and manipulated the situation that im certain of.
Why does someone who hates me not let me be free?
Do you think you will come to a point where you leave nbumblebee, I know you say you wont, but I read your posts and over time you are changing, so I have wondered xx
7th December 2023 at 7:03 pm #163885nbumblebeeParticipant
Honestly CB i dont think I ever will leave sadly.
I am trying so hard to work on myself make myself stronger set boundries learn understand but leaving never seems to be possible for me.
I dont know why.
Maybe underneath it all i still cant acccept that maybe i dont deserve this part of me thinks i have a nice house nice things maybe this is the price for someone like me to pay for a partly decent life.
No matter how hard I try I dont like me very much maybe thats why I dont leave.
Hope you are feeling a little better today sweetie x*x
8th December 2023 at 9:16 am #163904
nbumblebee it sounds like you’re doing everything you can and you’ve reminded me of the things I need to restart doing, list my way recently.
I don’t know if I will leave either but I really hope something will eventually click and it’ll be the right time. But yes, thank you feeling much better today. Stronger, I’ve had some time to myself and it’s been needed rather than consumed by him and being around him, it’s draining.
I do understand you staying, it’s a big deal either way.
Keep looking after you sending you hugs x*x
5th December 2023 at 8:45 am #163820tiredofitallParticipant
I’m not here to tell you what to do but for me, I had to get comfortable with the fact that he would hate me, he would never agree it was for the best for us all and he would not make it easy. I took a lot of time making myself look at his actions (not his words) and be honest about whether they were the actions of someone showing love, support and kindness not only to me but also to our children. I could not deny what was there – his primary motivation was himself. Conscious or not, it didn’t matter. It would never get better because he did not believe that he was doing anything wrong. He justified every single s****y behaviour. I may have stayed if he just treated me like that and the children were happy but they were also miserable too.
I kept thinking of a future life without him dominating it and I got to a point where he was making our lives so miserable I couldn’t see how it could be worse without him.
It takes some if us a long time. That’s why they choose us because we care and will keep giving them chances to be better.
5th December 2023 at 11:13 pm #163833
Yes, that does take time, to except him and all that is happening. The manipulation does help you to believe its not as bad as it really is. I think thats where I am very hard on myself that I have not allowed myself to see it for what it is and when i do i am happy to sugar coat it all and put on that smile and pretend things are ok. Im scared to except it fully and I know if I do that will be it, Im almost there and thats the battle or at least some of it.
Hes never going to change and I have just had the longest honeymoon period in all our time together and I guess that is why this time it is so very hard to except that he is back and he is staying for the duration. There is no sign of him going back to the nice person he can be and as you have said before he is choosing to behave this way. I almost see him watching me feeling and looking sad, and him thinking yeah thats how it should be for you, like that is what he wants and thinks I deserve, he thinks im a nag and a horrible person, sounds silly?
I am a person people tend to turn to for help and advice, I try to be as supportive and caring as I can be and so yes, he probably chose me as he knew he would get away with everything he does, he also knew my past relationships were abusive, so again he knew.
Im just taking it a minute, or hour or day by day at the moment getting through each difficult situation as it faces me.
5th December 2023 at 11:44 pm #163836PolardogParticipant
The one thing that struck me in your post is when you said “it’s not me to hurt anyone”. I don’t know if this helps but it’s not you hurting him – his actions and behaviours are what are causing you to want to take action so ultimately he is doing it to himself. You are deciding what to do for the sake of yourself and your children – and you wouldn’t be needing to do that if he didn’t behave the way he does. Thinking of you.
6th December 2023 at 10:56 am #163844
Thanks Polardog you’re right I must keep reminding myself this. He is to blame and his actions are his choice and there are consequences for this too, that is, consequences are how I react and what I decide to do.
That’s actually empowering, thanks again x
6th December 2023 at 11:06 am #163845
Been another rubbish day/night it’s like being with a moody teenager when you ask them to do something or just talk to them even and you’re made to feel like a nag, a nasty person, let’s the kids ignore my requests and subtly instals the attitude that he is chilled and I’m a stress head, overreacting, irrational and just plain crazy. It’s subtle but he’s talking back to me like I’m his mum and nagging.
Feels like he’s got everyone on board and I’m hated.
Except one of the kids keeps checking I’m ok, giving me an extra hug or telling me I’m loved. It’s amazing as it’s needed but I feel guilty as why should my child feel like they have to make sure I’m ok it shouldn’t be they’re problem.
Now he’s asking me what’s wrong, how do you respond I know he would deny, blame me. I don’t want to make up an excuse why I’m sad and quiet, surely he knows? Actually don’t think he does, at least not consciously, as that would mean he was to blame after all.
6th December 2023 at 11:39 am #163848
Big Hugs CB,
Teenagers. Ugh! See if you can take a “principle based” approach there. That means, informing the teenager of the natural consequences for not doing this or that.
For example, from my daughter … she was almost late to school (detail removed by Moderator) because she wanted her (detail removed by Moderator). She had left it to last minute for sorting a lot of that out. So I suggested to her, as an act of self love and self care, doing the planning ahead of time so that she’s looking after herself and sorting out where her (detail removed by Moderator) are, the night before. In the meantime, she borrowed a set of mine.
Teenagers generally want their autonomy while rejecting what they perceive as power plays … when its actually just doing everyday things like chores. There is a natural consequence for not doing chores. Just point that out to the teenager and leave it to them to make their own decision making there. And if natural consequences happen, roll with it with being supportive to the teenager there for making any future instance of that better for them… and giving them that independence for decision making and acting on that decision making there.
The teenager might have adopted controlling behaviours from your abuser. Be aware of that and act accordingly.
But also put that down as a strict boundary. Science says that teenager brains essentially become like toddler brains. But then the teenagers are meant to have more independence, responsibility and autonomy there. Keep that in mind and put down boundaries, since there are natural consequences to when things aren’t followed through with by that teenager.
It’ll be a few weeks while transitioning to that, however the teenager will learn some great life skills there… while hopefully rejecting any skills learned from your abuser.
It is really hard. Sending you strength xX
6th December 2023 at 12:51 pm #163849
Love this ❤️
Trouble is the worse teenager of all is my husband the others are not too bad.
He’s the teenager I’m referring to mostly, not sure how I navigate around him.
But I do like your approach and taking a step back and reworking things with the kids is a great idea.
Been so emotionally draining I’m not thinking clearly, need some me time just to get back on a even footing instead of head spinning and just muddling through.
I hope you got your (detail removed by Moderator) back by the way
Take care xx
9th December 2023 at 7:48 pm #163941
Thanks! I misread your post above because I was about to go into a meeting and was taking a few moments to read what’s here and see what I could respond to. And I misread the bit about… oh no, it’s your partner being the moody teenager.
Either way, great parenting advice! xX
7th December 2023 at 3:00 pm #163880PolardogParticipant
I’m sorry he’s making it harder with this. I’d strip it back to toddler times – reinforce when he behaves nicely towards you and completely ignore the teenager behaviour.
It’s a lot for you to deal with so just keep talking – we are all here to support you.
9th December 2023 at 10:00 am #163924tiredofitallParticipant
I do relate to what you say about the childish behaviour. I kept pounding my head against abrick wall wondering why he acted like such a child. You couldn’t reason or discuss with a view to resolve. He couldn’t ever see two sides to anything – most things in life are not black or white. But he was always right and his view was only ever the right one and he would go on and on until you just accepted it. Or he would ignore me for days on end to punish me for not agreeing with him.
I used to think that the kids were not seeing how he treated me, but I was wrong. He would talk to them so much about how rubbish I was and justify the way he treated me to them by explaining why I deserved it. They went along with it – I wouldnt expect them to do anything else, otherwise he would just turn on them. But they did tell me.
What I really tried to do was to show them how to react and behave. So I would take whatever he had said about me and I would try to provide my side and I would always say, there may be some truth in what your dad is saying about what I have done but what isn’t right, is the way he is dealing with it. This isn’t the right way to resolve issues you have with people. Because people will annoy you and do things that upset you but its managing that, is the difference.
I would explain the type of person I want to be, the behaviours and values I agree with. After all, I don’t want them growing up thinking that our life is the only way that relationships work.
Having said all that, I’d be lying if i didnt say that there were times that I was shouting back at him, that I was crying my eyes out and that my oldest son comforted me. Those times make me feel incredibly guilty – that I let them down as a mother and supposed to be their protector. But I have to accept that I am human and I was doing my best under very difficult circumstances.
I can hear that you are too. Stay strong and keep going.
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