I’m lost

[Ishouldknowbetter]

Good morning
This has taken me so many attempts to do this as I’m sure is the same for you all. I’m over 50 and never thought I would find myself in this situation of total self worthlessness , anxiety, isolated and trapped. I was working in a job I loved but this man has destroyed me that when I said I was going to return to work as a (detail removed by Moderator) which he said I was selfish going back to work as I would give him covid , he manipulate and caused me to break down in tears at work I was unable to work safe as I lost my confidence due to his behaviour towards me saying everyone hates me including my own family he makes up liars of conversations critical of what I do whereas he is perfect. I need to leave but each time I make an excuse and end up staying but I have no money, he will take the car ( I know this for a fact as I did leave once before but he manipulated me to go back ) I know I need to leave but how to find the strength

[Hereforhelp]

I didn’t want to read and run, I am also over 50,my self esteem, self worth was on the floor, still is some days but that’s ok, I am working on myself. I have involved as many agencies as I can to help me and teens get through this. We are not at the end yet.

Keep a journal of his abuse, including his excuses for abuse, not leaving. My husband of decades tried all sorts of tactics to keep me bonded to him (said he was suicidal, 2nd time he said he was suicidal I rang the police to check on his welfare, he stopped feeling suicidal after that as it was all a ploy), said a close relative had died (it was a lie). The more he lied to me after we separated the easier it became to stay away and not go back to him (took me 3 months to start to have easier days, my freedom days where I do not think about him are more frequent.

Keep posting, ask questions, get all your ducks in a row.

I have no money, no income as i am a full time carer for our sick child and SEN child, I will have to sell our jointly owned property and I will not have enough to buy anywhere, my money from the sale will be used up on renting over a few years. Or I can live with some relatives. Either one is better than the life I had with ny husband.

If you have somewhere safe you could stay could you start making an exit plan? Womans Aid helpline are also really helpful and understanding

Lots of ❤️ and keep posting x

[Strongenough]

It’s never too late, abusers don’t discriminate against age, women can be subject to this type of abuse at any age.

I know of a really strong women who left her abusive husband at the grand old age of 73 with no possessions, and enjoyed the rest of her life abuse free after decades of abuse, she was my inspiration. I hope that gives you some hope too.

Keep reaching out for support to rebuild your strength, your not alone. ❤🌈

[Ishouldknowbetter]

Thank you Hereforhelp and strongenough I keep asking “ WHY “
How do I plan a exit plan ? I know what I need a car so I can work but most importantly a roof over my head he has isolated me from everyone including my children I’ve been told it’s emotional,coercive and mental abuse that he inflicts on me my health has suffered and I punish myself by not eating as he said to me when i said I was leaving “ I object to you having what I paid for “ he stopped me having access to money . It’s so sad these men feel they can do this , I just want peace and somewhere I can call home to start rebuilding my life I know I will so much better off on my own I just need help to achieve this I want someone to put their arms around me and tell me I’m going to be ok

[Eggshells]

Hi Ishouldknowbetter

Your exit plan can start in a variety of different ways. A good place to start can be your local DA charity. It can be abit nerve wracking the first time you phone them but you if you can find the courage to give them a call, the sense of relief can be huge.

Please do call them and see where you go from there. xx

[Ishouldknowbetter]

Thank you Eggshells x

[Camel]

Hello Ishouldknowbetter,

I know it’s been a while since your post so just sending that hug you asked for.

You ask about an exit plan. I think it will help to understand what you may be entitled to financially when you leave. This will depend on whether or not you are married.

If you are married you should formally and legally divide your assets. If you are cohabiting it’s not so straightforward but you will have some legal protection.

There’s lots of information on Google. A good starting point for you might be to look up financial control in abusive relationships.

A big step towards the door would be going back to work. You need money and he’s not going to give you any. I think you said you had to leave your job? You could start there, explain how you were emotionally overwhelmed by your partner’s terror that you’d bring home the virus. You have absolutely nothing to be ashamed of and I’d be surprised if they weren’t understanding in these very strange times.

It’s actually a good time to look for a job right now, employers are desperate. So I’m sure you’ll find something. (You could look at car sharing websites if you need transport.)

How do you feel about selling your things to raise cash? You won’t be able (allowed) to take them with you anyway. Vinted is a good site (no fees and you include the cost of postage in the selling price.) Open an online secret account for all your income.

Is the car only in your partner’s name? What else does he have total control over? Bank accounts, credit cards, property? Are all the bills in his name? Does he pay you an ‘allowance’? Get evidence of everything as it’ll be important later on to show financial control/abuse.

All these suggestions are about you taking control. Which is bound to be scary, so one step at a time, at your own pace. And look after yourself physically, get your strength back. Eat properly, get plenty of rest and fresh air.

Best of luck x

[StrongLife]

In the end all I heard was lies upon lies.

[Ishouldknowbetter]

Your right Beachhut people see the house and the lifestyle the professional “ man “ the mister nice guy the side he wants people to see including his family that think he is a wonderful kind caring “ man “ behind closed doors is such a different story the nasty cutting comments not just aimed at me but at anyone ,the put downs the controlling manipulative behaviour , the constant change of mind one minute he likes someone/something the next he’s making his derogatory comments he once said to me don’t show your weakness cause it makes it easier to use against
you . House cars holidays ect are all materialistic things and can be replaced I know that but it’s that first step that scares me

[Author]

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