I’m lost, scared, its my fault

[Rainydays]

Hello – sorry but I’ve never posted before, not sure what to say or where to start.
Feeling so lost, no idea what to do.
I was married for (detail removed by Moderator) years, it was physically abusive until one day I managed to get some kind of positivity, got some money together without my ex knowing, managed to get a home to rent and on that day (detail removed by Moderator) years ago, just after (detail removed by Moderator), I left – just me and my dog in my car. I only took what was mine – I just knew I had to walk away and I did. (Reading that it makes it seem so easy – but it was the most nerve racking time of my life). I filed for a divorce, which I eventually got.
I was happy in my little home, me and my dog, and I could choose cushions and candles without being told I was useless. I could buy little nick nacks and I made a home, cosy and safe. Off the beaten track, no one knew my past and that was what I needed.
Then I met someone, believed all the words, accepted the flowers (because I’d never had that before). My ex never sent me cards, no presents – it was my role to satisfy him.
Time moves on and I’m here now (detail removed by Moderator) years later, scared, sad and so so lost. My new partner, he monitors everything I do, checks my phone even goes through the laundry basket to check what I’ve been wearing. Monitors what I spend (I work full time and have a good wage) and what time I leave work, what time I arrive home.
Things came to a head about (detail removed by Moderator) years ago, he hit me, pinned me against the (detail removed by Moderator) wall, scratched my face, we went through about four (detail removed by Moderator) because he kept throwing them against the wall. I repainted the lounge wall (detail removed by Moderator) because he threw (detail removed by Moderator) at it in rage. He bent the metal leg of a (detail removed by Moderator), threw it with such force it hit the radiator and bent. So many things, can’t list them all.
I ran, he reported me missing to the police, they found me complete with a black cheek where he’d hit me. He was taken in for questioning but because I didn’t press charges, he came home ……………………………………
Now my penance, living scared, frightened and in silence. He hasn’t spoken to me since (detail removed by Moderator).
He found out I could access several pensions I have and now I’m told by him that I have to do that. He wants a bigger house, a new car, foreign holidays, to give up work, for his (detail removed by Moderator) and (detail removed by Moderator) to be able to spend months with us (they live abroad) and its up to me to finance that. We got engaged not long after we first got together but now he’ll only marry me if I foot the bill with my pension money. And the wedding will be abroad and he wants to be away for a couple of months ’celebrating’. And he wants to buy a flat abroad in his name (because he still has an (detail removed by Moderator) passport) but I’m paying for it and ’at some point he’ll put it in joint names’.
I ask him if we’ll ever get married or grow old together and he tells me ’that’s up to you providing the money’.
I’m so scared and lonely.
It’s my home, I created it to be safe and cosy but now I’m scared to go home, to what I might find – but it’s my home, it was supposed to be my safe haven …….

[Darcy]

Welcome my beautiful angel … rainydays
Well done to begin with for leaving your first husband… this has got to give you hope that you can do this again
Think back to how much strength and courage it took and start to dig deep down within you to get this fire burning once again to get shot of this man. You have done it once so you know it’s possible.
Find out what rights he has to be in your home – if any (detail removed by Moderator).
If he will not go then you need to involve the police and get him removed with a court order to keep him away from you … I’m sure some of the beautiful ladies on here will give you some more useful ‘legal’ advice than me.
If you have all your own finances/ pensions in place make sure they are protected from him and if you can transfer some of the money to an account he doesn’t know about, do.
Unfortunately this situation has happened to you again as you have allowed another man to take your power and wear down your self love and self worth. Start doing all you can to reclaim your beautiful home and think of all the reasons you created that in the first place. You have the power to change this situation
Any positive changes you can make, start to do them, even just mantras in your head… connecting on here is the start of getting the ball rolling to have the life you deserve once more
Stay connected
Sending you love and support
Darcy xx

[Hawthorn]

Hi @Rainydays and welcome,

It was really brave of you to reach out, but even braver to leave your first abusive partner. You have depths of strength you no longer realise, your abuser has hidden them from you, but they are there. You can escape this. It is not your fault or your penance that you have been targeted by another abuser. The abuse is his shame to carry, not yours. Kind and empathetic women shine like beacons to abusive men and they target us. You do not deserve this situation.

Please reach out to your local womens aid, they wont make you do anything but will support you and go through your options with you. You freed yourself before, you can do it again. We all deserve our home to be our safe haven, not a warzone. It’s not much to ask for in the scheme of things. Keep reaching out here too, you need and deserve support. Take the very best care xx

[Rainydays]

Hello again and thank you – after I entered this forum, I then got worried that I had done the wrong thing – that my partner would somehow find out, that I’d said too much. But today, I just feel so low. I know that I escaped once before from my husband, but that took so much effort and planning, sleepless nights and fear and the days that followed were full of worry, listening to every noise, every car. And I thought I’d found the right man, who would love me for me, look after me but now, I’m so lost. It feels like I’m just going through the motions of life, get up, shower, go to work, drive home worrying about what mood he’ll be in, what I’ve done wrong, just wanting to get dinner out of the way and get to bed because that’s when I escape – escape from the silence that I have been living in since (detail removed by moderator). He just doesn’t speak to me anymore just grunts. I go to kiss him when I get in, and there’s nothing, our lips may touch but that’s me trying, he just carries on watching the tv. His mobile phone is never out of his hand – I have no idea what he’s doing on that and I will not check. He tells me nothing about his work, friends, his family – nothing. It’s as though I don’t exist. But then when he wants me to take him to the (detail removed by moderator) – I just do it. Like a limp rag, I just do these things to keep the peace, to stop an argument. I have asked him straight out – do you want me, love me, even like me – and I get nothing. Except those words (detail removed by moderator) but what about me –  I just want a cuddle some sign that I exist. Sorry.

[Hawthorn]

Please dont apologise or say sorry on here, you have done nothing to feel sorrow or shame about. This man has taken advantage of your kind and giving nature, that is something he should be ashamed for, not you. As you have found you will sadly get no comfort, support or validation from an abuser. He has no incentive to change and will not change, everything is as he wants it. He has made himself king of the castle in YOUR home. YOUR castle. YOUR pensions, YOUR money. Not his.

You do not have to live to like this. Yes it was difficult when you did it last time, but you did it. You made a lovely new life for yourself. But you had perhaps not recovered from the trauma of the first relationship when this predator sniffed out your vulnerability and pounced on you. That is not your fault. It is he who is at fault here.

You need to build yourself and your support system up. Reach out to your local womens aid, GP, family, friends. Anyone at all to begin this process. You need and deserve support. Sending you a big virtual hug xx

[Lottieblue]

@Rainydays I read your post in absolute marvel – you are an incredible woman.

I am so, so sorry that things have worked out like this for you. But the positive thing is that your eyes are wide open. You know that what he is doing is wrong.

@Hawthorn is absolutely right – you need to build your support system up. When I left my husband, it was very like your first experience, complete with all the terror, but I surrendered myself to the people I had drawn in around me. They weren’t necessarily connected but each played their part. I will never forget that. I couldn’t have done it without them. I was amazed how vital this was in the process for me.

You know, you absolutely know, that what this man is doing is wrong. Tick. Use us here. Keep coming back. You’ve done it before and you can do it again. If he assaults you again, press charges.

Keep coming back. We are here with you and for you.

Huge hugs x*x

[Rainydays]

Hello and thank you for your words.
But today is not a good day and I feel so sick.
He has decided that – and I am going to try to say this without offending anyone.
He wants me to ‘be with’ another man, ‘a man of an (detail removed by moderator)’, he wants me to return home with the ‘evidence’ that the event happened. He wants me to search out a man or men for the purpose. If I don’t, it’s more of the silent treatment, arguments, and hell ……. I don’t understand, don’t know what to do. And as for any ‘intimacy’ between him and I – nothing since (detail removed by moderator) and they’ll be nothing unless I comply !!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[KIP.]

Please contact the police as soon as possible. What he’s doing is domestic abuse. Coercive control, financial abuse, sexual abuse, emotional and mental abuse and it’s illegal. Contact your local women’s aid for support. This man doesn’t love you. He’s using you for what he can get from you. If it’s your home then you can ask the police to remove him and change the locks. He’s not your friend. He’s not yet he man he pretended to be when you met and most of these men have other women too so I strongly suspect he’s seeing someone else x

[Hawthorn]

Please reach out to womens aid. What he is doing is abuse. What you do with your body is your choice, it is not his decision. This is not love, it is abuse. You deserve so much better. He has rigged the game against you; if you go along with what he has asked he will use it as an excuse to abuse you further, he will call you a cheater, threaten to release the “evidence” on the internet, say it was all your fault and you wanted to do it etc….if you dont do as he has said, there will be silent treatment, arguments etc. Either way you lose.

There is a third option. You can run for your life away from him and this abuse. I know how terrifying that sounds, but it doesnt sound like he’s giving you any choice. Please please choose yourself and reach out for support. Contact womens aid,tell a friend, a family member, your GP, anyone what is happening to you. It will be the best call you ever make. Abuse thrives in darkness and silence. Abusers want us to believe we are isolated but you are not alone. There are lots of people and organisations that will support you. Keep reaching out here too. You need and deserve support. Reach out. Sending strength and a big hug xx

[ISOPeace]

Oh Rainydays I feel sick for you. That is such a horrendously abusive thing for him to do. It is absolutely shocking that he thinks he has the right to make you do something so intimate and the specific details he has demanded show just how much he thinks everything should be on his terms.

Have you ever read up on abuse? I didn’t understand my husband’s actions until I understood how abuse is all about control. You are looking at his behaviour through the eyes of an empathetic person, but an abuser cares first and foremost about being in control. If he is able to empathise at all, your feelings are far less important to him than is need for control. He is able to justify what he does because he believes he has the right to force you to meet his needs. I would highly recommend reading Why does he do that? By Lundy Bancroft. You can find it free online.

These are not the actions of a person who loves you or who is able to empathise with you. I fear it will only get worse if you stay.

I echo what the other ladies have said. I know leaving is very scary, but you deserve a free and happy life. Does anybody deserve to be kidnapped and abused, even if they visited a place that was known to be a bit unsafe? Of course not. The more I think about domestic abuse, the more I think it’s like being kidnapped. I said even if the place was unsafe to liken it to when people think they are to blame for choosing the relationship, although in reality they were sucked in by a clever manipulator. The “kidnapping” is the manipulation that hooks you in before you even realise he’s abusive and the prison is emotional rather than a building to physically can’t leave. But it’s still somebody believing they have the right to make you live they way they want you to, with no respect for your needs or your basic human rights. In one sense it’s worse because they have manipulated you into trusting them.

Please know that none of this is your fault. It’s all about him and his choice to abuse you. Don’t sacrifice yourself for somebody who sees you as a possession, not a partner, or even a person. In fact don’t sacrifice yourself for anybody! You don’t have to feel ready to leave right now so you don’t need to put pressure on yourself, but if you start taking small steps you will find it much easier. There is a lot of support that may not have been available the first time you left so it most likely won’t be the same experience. Sending love and support xxxx

[Rainydays]

Hello and thank you but its just so scary – I tried to stand up for myself. I haven’t done what he (my partner) said he wanted, so now I live with him in silence and today he told me he feels like taking his own life ……………………………. I can’t have that on my hands, I truly am not a bad person and I’m trying to hold it together, my job, my friends – I so want to blurt it all out but you can’t tell people about things like this – how ????? what would they think of me ???? feels like I’m operating on autopilot, always scared, walking on egg shells …

[Hawthorn]

Hi Rainydays,
Im so proud of you for standing up for yourself. You are so strong to be enduring this horrific abuse from him but it will be really draining all your energy. Suicide threats are a very common tactic abusers use and are classified as emotional abuse. My abuser controlled me with his suicide threats for years so I know how responsible and guilty you feel. But you are not responsible, any more than I was (incidently I escaped some time ago and my abuser is healthy as a horse). It would not be on your hands if he did choose to do something, he is an adult and responsible for his actions, not you. Suicide threats should always be taken seriously but require professional intervention, they are not for family, friends or partners to be dealing with. You do not have the necessary skills and resources, quite apart from it not being your responsibility. He needs to reach out to his GP and if he won’t, then I advise you call 999 for emergency services. You cannot deal with this alone.

I know reaching out is scary, but is it more scary than what your living with at the moment? Ease please contact women’s aid, reach out to your own GP, a friend, family member anyone. You need and deserve support. You are not alone but you need to ask for help. Sending a big hug, you really don’t deserve this and none of it is your fault xx

[Empoweredhealing]

Hi there, it sounds like you are experiencing a frightening level of psychological abuse and coercive control. This man is extremely dangerous and will destroy your mind, your body and spirit. He’s monstrous. Please don’t give him any more control over you and your finances.

You do have the power to set yourself free! But trauma bonding has you imprisoned. Tell one friend, one counselor, one doctor or one family member. Tell just one person. Your abuser thrives in darkness. Let other people remind you of the sanctity of your humanity and spirit.

“What will you do with your one wild and precious life”. Don’t let this man take it away from you.

[Rainydays]

I’ve just had enough, enough of everything – whoever I was, she’s gone and I only have vague flickers of memory of who she was. Rubbish I know but remembering how I was so excited to buy things for my home, knowing that I had a home that I could fill. I look around it, but now, so many are gone, broken where he threw them, broke them and broke me too. Life is now me pretending to be happy and normal at work (its not their fault and I know the girls/ladies I work with would be horrified if they knew even an inch of my home life), no mention of the fear and trauma of going home or being at home. And inside my heart pounds all the time, where once I so looked forward to his text messages, now I’m too scared to read them but know I have to and have to respond, otherwise he sends them relentlessly until I do respond. No more loving texts – just texts highlighting how rubbish I am, at everything – he says (detail removed by moderator) rubbish at cooking, cleaning, don’t look after him well enough ………………………. sorry, rambling, just had enough.

[Eggshells]

Hi Rainydays,

The you that was in there is still there, she’s just hiding at the moment to keep herself safe. But you can find the old you again and when you do, you’ll find she is growing all the time.

I’m not surprised that you feel like you’ve had enough. The abuse just sounds relentless.

I’m wondering if you have managed to tell anyone in your close circle yet?

Please do try reaching out to your local domestic violence charity. You can just Google them or the Wonens Aid website carries a directory. If you feel able to do this and you can get a keyworker, they might be able to nature the strength and courage that is already within you. They can give you lots of advice and will support you regardless of whether you choose to stay in this relationship or leave it.

It sounds to me that you may be reaching a pivotal moment in your relationship? I know its difficult when you are in the FOG of abuse but are you able to crystallise your thinking so that you can try and work out what you want to do now?

[Neueranfang]

I’m so sorry to hear that you’ve had enough.But at the same time, I’m not surprised.Have you thought about confiding in your work colleagues?
It took me a very long time to do so but once I did tell them about my horrendous private life, they were ever so supportive and understanding and it really helped being able to talk to my colleagues to validate that my relationship wasn’t healthy and far from normal.My Ex was the same.He would constantly text me while I was at work, knowing I shouldn’t be on my phone.He changed the settings on my iphone…so he could see if I read the text and if I didn’t reply he would call, FaceTime and send more abusive texts.So very stressful.I was so scared in the end that he would call my work place up and humiliate me that I decided to confide in my boss and my colleagues.My heart was beating so fast when at work.I’ve only been out of the relationship (detail removed by moderator) and it is very hard but I’m not looking back xx

[Rainydays]

Thank you Neueranfang – some of what you said rings true with me, because i didn’t answer one text (busy at work), he called me (detail removed by moderator) and when I called him and kept trying to call him back, he wouldn’t answer his phone ……….. he has threatened to visit my work and to tell them what a *********** I am etc, but hasn’t done yet, another fear to live with.
Thank you Eggshells – I swing in and out of pivotal states, sometimes I just pray he’ll move on, move out but he stays. I’ve asked him straight – does he even like me, but apparently I have no right to an answer and just (detail removed by moderator) he was telling me that if I sorted myself out (detail removed by moderator), he’d marry me(detail removed by moderator) and then proceeded to tell me where, when, what we’d be wearing …………….. and now (detail removed by moderator) later I’m worthless again.
I feel so sick, to the bottom of my stomach and I am so scared, maybe this is the end of the line

[Lookforward5678]

Rainy days

Hello,

I’m so sorry to read your posts and all that your going through but I wanted to remind you of how strong you are and so very brave. Is there any one your close with a good friend or work colleague? Maybe just someone to help if you need somewhere you can go or stay ? You don’t need to apologise to the people you work with. You are doing utterly amazing to keep working and I know from recently leaving my own abusive relationship how hard it is and it slowly gets a little bit easier and there is so much support in the world for people in our position and I would never have left if I didn’t have that but the way he is treating you is awful and you don’t deserve to be treated in any of those ways it’s abuse your body is your body and your money is yours. I would ring the police and even just possibly document events that happen My domestic abuse advocate encouraged me to even document past events. I would recommend if you are able to get in touch with a domestic violence team in your area or women’s aid for some on going support just to help you and see if they can make you feel safer. You deserve to feel safe and you deserve to live happily and without abuse.

Sending big hugs*

[Rainydays]

Thank you Lookforward5678 – some days just feel so bleak even when the sun is shining, so lonely even when I am surrounded by people at work. Am I wrong, is he right? Is it my ‘duty’ to fulfil his ****** fantasy(s) even though they repulse me? Is this what it’s all about – up, work, home, worry/fear/walk on eggshells/eat what he wants/do as I’m told, pray that he goes to bed and falls asleep straight away – that’s when there is some peace but I fall asleep and wake up again and the day starts again. Am I more worried about what people would think of me if I told them rather than what they would think of him? I’m just too scared/embarrassed to tell anyone so I’m trapped ………………. and a feeble case – I know ….

[Watersprite]

Hello Rainydays – I don’t think you are feeble I think you are afraid and rightly so. I understand the fear. Reach out for support call the police women’s aid work – you are not to blame for his abuse he chooses to behave like that. You deserve to be safe and able to refuse to do things if you don’t want to but he won’t ever change – you know you’ve been there before. Ask the part of you the brave woman inside you who left last time to help you pick up the phone when you are safe at work and get support to leave.take care x*x

[Rainydays]

I’m so sorry to hassle you lovely people again – feels as though every moment of every day is filled with me wondering is it me? or him? am I such a bad person?
It feels now as though everything I do, say, wear, think is wrong in his book. To the point, I’m afraid to say a word, to start a conversation because something I say will be an excuse for him to rant off at me again. But that is perceived as me having no interest in him or life – yet when I ask outright, do we have a future, do you even like me – he sighs, shrugs and says ‘this ‘ole one again’, ‘why should I tell you when you don’t involve me in your life’. And that last comment – the reason I am becoming more reclusive, because he belittles my life. When I talk about a conversation I may have had at work or with a friend, he switches off completely with ‘oh are you still talking’ or ‘shut up ****’. He tells me I dress and behave like a 90-year old. That I should thank him for hanging around since, apparently most blokes would be gone by now.
He goes to work but other than that, just drinks cider, smokes weed and lays on the sofa watching american comedy programmes.
As for any physical relationship, there is none. Can’t even remember when it last happened except that I am expected to perform ‘an act’ on him but until I return home after being with other men, I’ll get nothing. According to him I should be going out in tiny skirts, see-through tops and no underwear and letting all the blokes know that, so I’m easy to ****.
He’s started scrutinizing post, opens it even if it is addressed to me, even if it says confidential. He monitors how long it takes me to get to/from work and heaven help me if I get delayed – that means ‘I’m up to something’. So when that was thrown at me, I said that all I do is get up, get his clothes out, make his lunch, make him a coffee for his drive to work, go to work myself, do the shopping at lunchtime if needed, return home, cook dinner, catch up with ironing, fill/unfill the washing machine/tumble dryer, wash up, clear up – and to that I got told that I’m a boring old b***h going nowhere.
I’m sorry, there are lovely people on here with more serious problems that mine ……………

[Lisa]

Good evening Rainydays,

I just wanted to offer you some support as I can hear that you’re feeling confused and questioning yourself and your experience at the moment.

It’s not you. What you are describing is incredibly manipulative, controlling and abusive behaviour from your partner. It sounds like the abuse has been escalating quite gradually over time, and it may be due to this that you are minimising or normalising the abuse, which is a very common reaction to living in an abusive situation. It might be helpful to consider what you think you would advise a friend if she described this situation to you?

You do not deserve to be put through this, it’s understandable that it’s having a big impact on your confidence and self-esteem. It’s amazing, and so brave, that you are beginning to reach out for support with things, it sounds like you know that his behaviour is not okay. Please remember that there are services that can help with what you are going through, even if you feel that it’s just emotional support that you need right now. You can find your local domestic abuse service here: https://www.womensaid.org.uk/domestic-abuse-directory/

Or if you would prefer to speak more anonymously, there is also the webchat: https://chat.womensaid.org.uk/

Take care of yourself and keep posting.
Lisa

[Rainydays]

Hello Lisa
Thank you
I feel guilty that I only contact you when I feel so desperate but there’s no one else to turn to/speak to.
Sometimes I feel like I’m handling it okay but even when there are good days, in the back of my mind I’m thinking, don’t be fooled, it’ll all fall apart in a day or so and sure enough it does.
I have a couple of (detail removed by moderator), ‘my partner’ is aware of them and hassles me continually to release the money – why? – so he can stop work, buy a flash car, move, go on more holidays. He says he deserves these things and because I won’t release the money, I’m destroying his life and over the last couple of days, he has been complaining of constant stomach pain, headaches and the reason – me – because I won’t (detail removed by moderator), I am forcing him to carry on in a job he hates when I should be enabling him to stop work, he says I am destroying his life and his health. Apparently, I am killing him and clearly don’t love him because otherwise I would get the money.
I am holding firm (detail removed by moderator) – it’s my only financial safety net for the future – but I am being punished for not doing what he wants. Giving me the silent treatment, looking at me with such disgust, telling me if I loved him and wanted us to have a future, I would release my money. That’s not fair though is it ??
I feel so sick, friends are starting to say I’m loosing weight and if this were a friend of mine confiding in me, I would tell her stick to her guns, don’t allow him access to your (detail removed by moderator) – but it’s so hard.
I just want a ‘normal’ relationship or sometimes I just think, I don’t want any relationship, I just want to run ……….. but where to ……….. I can’t live however long i’ve got like this – I feel so sick.

[ISOPeace]

Rainydays, the right time to post here is whenever your want to. It’s fine to post when you feel desperate. One of the wonderful things about this forum is that there are lots of people on here so you’re never burdening anyone. Also your posts help everyone in some way. Maybe it’s in letting somebody see they’re not the only one experiencing what you’re going through, maybe it’s reading something helpful in a reply, maybe it’s raising awareness of something that isn’t well understood.

The way he’s treating you is not fair at all. It’s financial, emotional and sexual abuse. And if you need any more convincing, it’s even illegal. I would highly recommend reading about abuse. I’ve probably already recommended Why does he do that? by Lundy Bancroft, because I recommend it to everyone!

Yes it is really hard. His behaviour towards you is intended to make it hard for you, because he wants you to cave in so he gets what he wants. You are showing incredible strength by not giving in. You are showing incredible strength by simply surviving the abuse.

You will get out of this. It may take time to build up to feel strong enough, but you will do it. Try to take as much time as you can to focus on yourself. Show your mind that you deserve to be cared for by doing caring things for yourself. Sending lots of love and strength xxxx

[Author]

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