20th April 2016 at 4:22 pm #14647
This is the first time I have reached out and sort help for what is happening to me. I am in a long term relationship and for the majority of that time I have been emotionally and sexually abused. I have been speaking to a counsellor for about 3 months now and she is the only person who knows what is happening to me. She has been gently encouraging me to leave the relationship and I know that I should but I can’t seem to make the break. Some days I feel strong and think I’ll do this but then think I can’t. I am terrified of what my abuser will do if I leave. A few months ago after an abusive outburst I told him that I though it would be better if we parted. His reaction to this was to cut up all my bank cards, start throwing things out of the kitchen cupboards at me, and knocking the ironing board across the kitchen. He had his face really close to mind and was scream b**** at me. This was all happening in front of our small daughter. He will them blame me saying its my fault she’s upset!
The main thing we argue about is sex. He says he needs/wants sex a lot and gets grumpy/angry if I do not ‘provide’ it. He very rarely instigates sex he waits for me to do that and if I don’t he will get angry with me.
I instigated sex on Friday night as I knew it have been a while and that he would start nagging at me about it. After a few minutes he grabbed my hair and slapped my face saying that because I hadn’t made any effort recently then he was going to do what he wanted tonight. He then effectively raped me.
I have been reading all the posts on here over the last couple of days and you all seem lovely and supportive to each other and I am hoping that someone can give me some advice on how to break free.
Thank you for taking the time to read this xx
20th April 2016 at 7:41 pm #14666Falling SkysParticipant
Well come to the group xx
If you are thinking of breaking free, stay safe is the most important thing. Don’t tell your abuser that your leaving as that is when the become most dangerous as they are losing control.
Contact woman’s refuse they will support and help you making a plan to get out safely.
If you have somewhere to start a freedom fund so you have something behind you.
Good luck and keep posting.
20th April 2016 at 8:00 pm #14668AyannaParticipant
You need to call the National Domestic Violence Helpline. You would probably be best of by going into a refuge.
Do not tell him anything anymore. Make plans which documents and things you quickly pack if you have to escape.
Do you have friends and/or family who could support you?
If he threatens you and injures you, you need to call the police. They search silent calls because they know the extent of DV.
Keep posting. x*x
20th April 2016 at 8:59 pm #14693
Apart from during sex he doesn’t physically hurt me its more emotional abuse. He gets really angry, shouts and swears and is physically intimidating. I’ve lost count of the time he’s woken our daughter up with his shouting. I work in a business that we own so he’s my boss and he can control whether I get paid or not. Therefore I would’t be able to support myself or my daughter if I was to leave. He has full control of our finances and he doesn’t consider what I earn to be important. He’s always going on about how I spend his money and that he has not control over what I do. I bought our daughter some new clothes recently and he went mad that I didn’t discuss it with him first.
It all seems so hopeless. My family live miles away and are elderly so I don’t want to bother them. I’m also too ashamed to tell them what’s happening to me. The same with my friends. I have some really good friends who I know would be supportive but I’m too embarrassed to tell them.
If I went into a refuge initially would I be able to exclude him for our home so that I could return with my daughter. It seems so unfair that we have to leave our home because of him.
20th April 2016 at 9:33 pm #14700LisaMain Moderator
Welcome to the Forum and thank you for sharing with us. I am pleased you found us. It is great to hear you have the support of your counsellor and I hope you find support here too.
From your posts, I understand you are planning how to leave and how to do this safely for you and your daughter. You are doing the right thing by finding out your options. If you are able to call the 24hr National Domestic Violence Helpline (0808 2000 247) the Helpline Workers will be able to discuss any options available to you based on your circumstances. The Helpline is a busy service but there is a voicemail service if you are able to request a call back at a safe and convenient time. There are also local support groups available with ongoing emotional and practical support available. You can find your local group here. Have you spoken to your GP at all?
Well done for reaching out for support, firstly with your counsellor and now on here. When you are ready for the next step there will be support here for you. You don’t have to go through this alone.
20th April 2016 at 9:47 pm #14705MillionpiecesParticipant
Wellcome to the forum, it’s been so helpful for me. From your story you seems in great danger and for your daughter too, please keep in mind that you need to keep your self save for your daughter. Ring the number that Lisa mention they are very helpful, you can talk to them.
We know how it’s feel living with abuser, we are all here for you.
21st April 2016 at 12:47 pm #14763mixed-up mumParticipant
Hi and welcome Moonflower.
So sorry for what you are going through – PLEASE, PLEASE get help – he’s getting more aggressive, and I hope you have the courage to get out.
It took me in the teens of years to find the courage to go, and I really wish I’d done it years earlier.
It’s not good for you, or your daughter, to be living like that.
His reaction when you said you were leaving him was just him stamping his authority over you – putting fear in you so you wouldn’t go, but that’s all the more reason TO GO.
That is not normal behaviour, that is not the actions of someone who loves and cares for you.
Sex was the main problem in my marriage too, he wasn’t getting enough, and if I don’t give him it willingly he’d grope and molest me for hours on end until in the end he wore me down, and I’d just lie there and ‘let’ him him do it to get it over with.
That last episode he was more aggressive with you, please try and call for help.
I know it’s scary to leave, but so’s the thought of living with a man who does that to you…..
It’s hard at first, but at least you have your freedom, and you have peace of mind, and are SAFE.
People will help you – you just need to reach out and ask for help…its times like this you find out who cares, and who is REALLY there for you.
Keep posting, we’re all here for you. 🙂
21st April 2016 at 1:11 pm #14768
Thank you M U M for your reply. I have read some of your posts and see that you have been in a similar situation to me. Can I ask how you found the strength to leave. Did you just walk out one day or did you plan in advance?
To look at me no one would know there was anything wrong. I appear confident and outgoing, have friends and am good at my job. But the thought of walking away from my life just terrifies me. He always wins, I would end up with nothing or if I did it will be a long drawn out slog and I’m not sure I’m strong enough.
But I know I need to leave if not for myself then for my daughter. She has seen and heard too much all ready in her short life and she is getting to an age where she understands more. She said to me recently “I do love daddy but I like it when it’s just you and me” This make me so sad.
21st April 2016 at 1:42 pm #14769mixed-up mumParticipant
Hi Moonflower – nice to hear from you – I’m working – so sorry this will have to be short – chat another time. 🙂
What made me leave in the end was my daughter, pleading with me to get us out – she was at her witts end living with him, she was very close to a nervous breakdown, knowing what he was doing to me.
I had to do it – for her – I was unhappy too – but i d lived like that for years – I’d learnt to live with it.
But I couldn’t put my daughter through any more – and so the one night I just locked him out – we gathered a few personal belongings in a few cases, and black bags. We waited until we knew he was gone, and I called my mam to come and get us.
BUT that’s not how to do it – you should make plans and do it with the help of family or friends there, or when you KNOW he won’t be home.
If you are really scared get the police to come while you get away safely.
I know the thought scares you – but believe me, once you are you and safe you will know you did the right thing.
For you AND your daughter.
She knows things are no right even at her age…..her words say it all…….
Sorry got to go.
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