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[Mimosa]

Hi

I’m new! Last weekend after (removed by moderator) plus years of ups and downs I had a light bulb moment, called Women’s Aid and am starting to sort things out in my head and my life. Thank you so much for sharing and supporting, this forum has helped me so much. Plus I’ve been reading Lundy’s book and many others. I am now seeing control in so many areas of my relationship. I have woken up and see the expressions, the words, the physicality of it all, I feel his games being played with me. But with my awareness and the strength that comes from no longer being alone in this, I am climbing out of the deep deep hole he has put me in. But secretly for now. Thank you all.
Mimosa
X

[Lisa]

Hi Mimosa,

Thank you for your post and welcome to the forum. It sounds like you have been through a lot throughout your relationship. When you have that ‘light bulb’ moment it can at times be overwhelming, but it sounds like you are also noticing how empowering it can feel as well.

I’m really glad you’ve called Women’s Aid and that you’ve found this forum; keep reaching out for support as you work towards making changes. We all understand how difficult it is to end an abusive relationship, but it is possible and you deserve to have freedom in your life.

Sometimes we find that this section of the forum doesn’t get seen as much by forum users, so please consider copying your post and re-posting it in a different section e.g. General Discussion.

Kind Regards,

Lisa

[Lightness]

Mimosa
Good luck with your safety plan and getting out. It isn’t easy to do but you can do it.

Secretly is the way to go. Don’t let him know a thing as this will put you at risk with your abuser escalating. You don’t need to explain ANYTHING to him.

Lightness

[Mimosa]

Hi Lisa and Lightness

Thanks so nuch for your messages! I am struggling but also getting stronger, the classic yo-yo feeling. Writing it down is helping. I recorded him too secretly, listening back to it is shocking but it didn’t seem 100% real before, when he’d calmed down. He is rarely extra nice so he just usually explodes then goes back to unaffectionate functionality

I’m exhausted from his rubbish this weekend but also through having to pretend nothing has changed within me. I have to see this through for my children.
Mimosa

[Confused123]

hi hun

Yes please get out safely, make a plan and take what u need to, u r protecting your kids from abuse too at same time

[Mimosa]

Thanks Confused123 for your kind words. I’ve been in this for over two decades, always wondering why I got on with everyone else, why my employer says I do well when everything I do at home is wrong or never good enough, why I’m always late in his words but usually on time in my experience, why I’d lost contact with friends and wasn’t allowed to call or see my own family as much as I’d like to, why my life was getting narrower and narrower, why he could be so very mean one minute and super nice and over affectionate the next… Little bits of the puzzle were falling into place very slowly, then my wonderful manager organised coaching sessions for me, I found this forum, got Lundy Bancroft’s book and it all started falling into place as I worked things out and found it wasn’t me after all but more importantly that I’m not alone! Every post I read is helping me to understand and recognise things I didn’t even notice in my own life.

Lots has happened super fast in the last week or so following an amazing lightbulb moment!!! It was just as other women on here have described. It was an incredible feeling. It was sparked by his awful behaviour on a Friday which I have a better understanding and awareness of from my books and posts on here. Suddenly I could see it all like I had the ‘Teacher’s book’ with all the answers! Inside I was cool and calm and predicting his next moves and watching them being played out! This sounds like a pantomime writing it down and of course it’s only my perspective, but the events have helped the seed of change within me begin to germinate! I also recorded a lot of it secretly on my phone so have all the nuances. Making quick notes helps to remember how bad an episode was but recording even just voices is so powerful. I can hear his tone, his choice of words, his mimicry of me, his whistling and singing, how scared I was throughout and how he didn’t show one tiny bit of compassion or empathy. The times he has done similar things before and I have been so numb to it, I just blocked it out or clutched on to his being nice afterwards because I wanted to believe he was the man I thought I’d married again. Episodes used to be spread out but are now nearly everyday, he is just making this untenable for me.

I’ll share the lightbulb moment because it was so pivotal for my journey and might help others and writing things down like this is really helping me because no-one here doubts this is real, so thanks for giving me the opportunity. So, I ran a training course at work with a colleague; it puts a lot of pressure on me as I only run a course (this one) once a year, but I also love running it and like the feeling of stretching and developing myself, which will also ultimately benefit me professionally and with my studies now and in the future. It also comes straight off the back of the Christmas break when I am probably at my most stressed and depleted energetically having spent time making Christmas a fun time for my children, mostly through appeasing my husband, literally just trying to survive without setting his fuse off it feels at times. I was definitely not allowed to practice or prepare at home! And it’s interesting to note that I don’t recall ever putting him in charge, or needing his overarching control – but the path is so littered with eggshells it’s become less of a painful effort to capitulate!

For the course this year we did the session a couple of times as it was a big cohort. I was exhausted when I got home, but so pleased I’d been able to run the sessions – before Christmas I thought there was no way I could, but didn’t pull out because I needed to show myself I could do it. I said to him how well it had gone (mistake number one) and how much I’d enjoyed it and working with my colleague and the people on the course (mistake number two) and that some of them I knew from my studies too (mistake number three). He was tired (I appreciate he does work hard) and so I made dinner for us all as usual and we had a fairly nice evening. My children had their baths, he was relaxing and playing music , I did the tidying up, got my children ready for bed, sorted out the animals for the night then thought I’d like to have a bath to relax a bit and listen to some music, which I said to him. But he doesn’t really listen to me or acknowledge what I’ve said usually, but will let me know swiftly if he’s not happy about something – he didn’t so I thought it was ok with him. The children were ready for bed but when I got to the bathroom I decided to have a quick shower instead. I thought he would get them settled in bed and carry on with the story they are reading (he likes to do the bedtime story, I wish I could but it’s his activity).

When I got out of the bathroom all hell had broken loose and he was angry they hadn’t gone to bed because I’d been lounging in the bath. I have read several women on the forum whose partners go apoplectic if they have a bath. It seems a shower is ok as it’s functional but a bath infers space for relaxing and time away from being ‘on call’. I couldn’t get a word in to tell him I hadn’t been in the bath and I hadn’t been ‘indulging’ or actually that long time wise. My son was over tired and wanted to finish a drawing he was doing. Husband got cross and went to grab my son and drag him by his leg again like he’d done before once when I was so mortified I couldn’t even move with the hideousness of his behaviour. But I am stronger now, I could feel his anger, he was red and spitting as he talked with hard cold eyes but I stood up for my son, moved into his space to stop him reaching my son, stood completely firm and determined and said how dare you, stop doing that, I won’t let you do that, it’s not acceptable. His look was incredulous. For a split second I thought he would push me or hit me, I thought ‘Go on do it!’ which sounds very odd, but my thought was it would deflect attention from my son and also could give me harder evidence to strengthen my case. But how sick for my children to experience this episode. I wasn’t afraid, I was on fire and absolutely livid that he could even think about taking that action with our son – again. But he held it in, shouting instead, stomping around, saying he was leaving and had had enough of me, that he was going and speeding off in his car only to return 10 minutes later (as predictable as ever).

I got my children calmed down and to bed whilst he was out, thinking he might also calm down or if he would escalate, it is difficult to say which will happen when he flips out. It was hard to see the impact on them. I have been so numb to it so much before and felt like I had ‘woken up’. Sometimes he seems to reflect on things, apologise, usually with a big fat caveat about how it was my fault anyway for whatever had caused him to lose his temper. Then he’d be all sweetness until the next time, which is happening so frequently at least there is not much agony waiting for the build up! He came back in the same mood so then I was wondering what he would pick on – usually it’s housework but everything was pretty well ordered in the main rooms, but of course he picked on something that hasn’t bothered him that much before but suddenly had been causing him offence for ages!!, (as predicted) the pile stuff on my chest of drawers, saying he’d asked me to tidy it up over Christmas (nicely, he emphasised), forgetting that whenever I’d gone to reorganise it myself over the holidays and before he’d said not to do it then or I was trying to avoid him or some other reason why I couldn’t spend the time sorting out my books and papers, make-up, jewellery and things as I’d like to organise them rather than having to just pile up stuff because he’d commandeered the new unit I’d got for that purpose. He barged me out of the way, shoved everything onto the floor as I was reaching to sort it out and stormed off. I put it in a bag so I could sort it on the table and he marched back in and grabbed it and emptied my things all over the bed.

He stormed off to another room so I shut and tried to lock the door, I was scared and leaned up against it because I heard him coming back, saying I needed some space. He barged the door before I got the catch in which pushed me backwards. He said that I was not to shut him out of his room and that I should clear up my mess on the bed so I started sorting my papers and things. I was inside smiling because I was glad to have the opportunity to do it! After a bit he marched off again so I shut the door and got the catch in this time, I leaned against the door, but he pushed it again and broke the cast iron mechanism, the force of it hurt my arm and hand and I scream on the recording. He was so angry, shouting horrible things, I said who put you in charge and he said he did as I was mental and needed sectioning because of the mess (some washing that was ready to be put away, my stuff and a chaotic airing cupboard from having guests at Christmas, my summer work clothes and storing up the children’s old clothes for my brother’s family). Not as organised as I’d like either, but there are better uses of time on occasions and it didn’t constitute a health and safety hazard to anyone!

He said he was staying up all night til it was done, I replied I would do it in the morning. He said I was to stay up too (I predicted that) so I did, just to get the things done I’d wanted to do but never had ‘permission’ for – it was ok now because now it was proof of how useless I am and it was something he was demanding get done!! I recorded him again for hours. It makes me feel sick to listen to it but choice highlights were that he should slit the animals’ throats! Also when I got upset he put on a high voice and a cringing posture and said ‘Ooh I’m such a victim, it’s so awful’ – he then told me that my ‘… reaction to any kind of violence’ showed that I had been abused before (which I definitely haven’t perhaps with the exception of an alcoholic boyfriend for a few months at university who was incredibly arty and attractive but so vile when he was drunk that I ended the relationship with him, even though he said he’d die if I did (he didn’t)!). I calmly repeated to my husband ‘No I haven’t’ which he really didn’t like so he picked on my Dad (I am very close to my parents, more so than he is to his) and said it must have been him!!! Ridiculous!! So I carried on repeating my truth, saying, no I haven’t a number of times, calmly and matter of factly. He then went twisting on to another subject. Just odd and confusing!

The thing I picked up on listening to the recording was how he said my ‘… reaction to any kind of violence’, I didn’t hear the word ‘violence’ at the time, but it was there on the recording and was chilling. An interesting choice of word for his own behaviour given the dictionary definition of violence. Eventually at 2am I said I was going to bed – he got angrier, but I just did it as I had finally finished organising the things I had wanted to for so long and was so very tired! He then decided to reorganise the bedroom furniture, banging and crashing around, but I did a breathing meditation silently with my eyes shut and was so tired that after a little while I feel asleep. He said he stayed up until gone 4am tidying but I left the voice recorder running all night so I know exactly when he stopped and it wasn’t long after I had fallen asleep! I have also read on the forum about sleep deprivation and have experienced it a great number of times before from him but never understood that there was a strategy at play and that it was abusive – just that I wasn’t good enough at doing things!

At work on the Monday my super manager kindly gave me the time and space to call the Women’s Aid helpline in privacy. I have been trying to do it for ages but I wasn’t ready and then over Christmas I realised I am never alone long enough to be able to make the call at home. Do call them! It was so very hard to do, harder than being on a forum for abuse and it took me a few minutes to be able to dial, then all lines were busy and it said to leave a message and they’d call back. I hung up and redialled several times but I left a message in the end and they called back. I couldn’t speak, didn’t know where to start, but the lady was lovely and helped me out a lot. She knew exactly what I was talking about and could answer all my questions. She also gave me a legal advice line number, details for a support group where I can get some specific counselling and explored the next steps with me. I need to collect evidence like the recording I made, write notes (I have a note book hidden on my phone and have been jotting stuff down), log how things are with my GP (making an appointment for this week) and call the helpline whenever I need to. I was pleased each caller can have a number so I won’t have to go through it all again, but can move forwards.

It has really concerned me recently that I didn’t decide to end things sooner, but the helpline lady explained that trying to be an empathic, decent partner committed to a relationship had entailed me trying to make things work and supporting the other person – so in trying to understand why he threw things at me or punched the wall by me, or whatever, I was still thinking the best of him and trying to support him. So I’m glad that I haven’t let myself down and have been the person I thought I was who would seek to provide help and support. I know I have done enough now though and can accept that I need to move on for my children to have a more harmonious home life and to fulfil my own potential too. There has to be something attentive, affectionate, gentle, honest, reciprocal, fun, supportive for growth, liberating, reflective and respectful in a relationship too. And things can be challenging, that’s ok, but no-one has to be cruel! I know that! People can be nice to each other, that’s what my parents have modelled for me, what I’ve experienced in previous relationships. I wonder why I let this happen with him and why he does what he does, but know now that’s not my problem!

I feel like I’m in the getting ready for readiness stage right now as I’m still processing things as it’s finally all coming together, but very fast. I’m still reading books and posts on the forum. But even now I’m feeling like I should be giving him yet another chance. But I know I don’t want to, or have to. I’ve done that so often and he can be ‘nice’ for just about three days before things creep back in. Now it’s nearly everyday! It’s a rotten way to live and it has made me less than I know can be. But most importantly I owe it to my children so they can have happy and healthy relationships now and in the future.

Mimosa

[lover of no contact]

Welcome to the Forum Mimosa. You will gain a lot of knowledge and strength by using this support. Leaving an abuser is very hard to do on your own, gather all your supports around you. They are merciless, they will stop at nothing when you (their emotional punch bag ) decides to leave. Its good and safe you are not letting him know ‘the game is up with you’.

You found the recording him on the phone helpful as abusers are very cunning and confusing with their nasty/nice behaviour. Or rather in your case nasty/not nasty behaviour. I found what helped me was to carry around a notebook and I wrote down word for word what he said. That really helped me to see what he was like. And it meant his words had less power to hurt me when I would remove myself and without him knowing write down what was coming out of his mouth. I could then see how warped it was.

Keep posting your thoughts and feelings whenever you need to. Your posts help us a lot too. The truth will set us free.

[EeyoreNoMore]

So many similarities in your abuser and mine, I could be reading my own story!

So glad your fog is lifting but please be careful. If he realises his power is waning you and the children are in a very dangerous place.

Well done for beginning your journey; I look forward to updates!

[Lightness]

Mimosa
You’re being very strong
I wish you well with your exit plan and fulfilling your potential in the future. You’ve found your friends on here who totally get it and who will support you.
L x

[Seekingfreedom]

Thank you for sharing this Mimosa, it has helped me so much to read your story and to see the similarities in yours and mine. I too have had my ‘lightbulb moment’ and have been considering speaking to my manager about things. I wanted to wish you all the best for the next step in your journey. Fingers crossed we will both be free from our abusers soon, and the healing will not be too drawn out. Let’s do this for our children, and for ourselves!!

[haunted]

Hi everyone,

Im new to the forum. (detail removed by moderator)years ago I left an abusive relationship with my son and nothing on my back but the debts he decided to run up in my name. i moved back to my parents and continued to let my son see my ex twice a week. When my son was (age removed by moderator)he finally told me that his dad was hurting him and leaving him to look after his half sister while he went to ‘the shops’. I had seen the bruises and asked my son everytime if he was being hurt and he always denied it.

I had to leave the country to escape from him and his family (who told my ex where i was working by using an online work directory). He used to wait outside my work, brought his entire family to court who threatened me etc etc the list goes on.

I met my now fiance and thought I had moved on but this week it has been particularly bad. I feel so many emotions, I feel guilt for not protecting my son or pushing to find out the truth. I feel like im the worthless tramp he told me I was. I accidentally broke a mug last night and for a second i was half expecting a fist to come swinging towards me. I am in a constant state of half tears/ half flight mode. My fiance is so supportive but I cant tell him the whole truth as I dont want him to start seeing me as a helpless little girl. He doesnt understand really, hes never had to deal with anything like this before and I dont want to taint his view of the world. I just feel a bit lost and like im back to being weak. My son has (with counselling) finally gotten over the nightmares, wetting himself and hes back to being a happy secure little boy who knows that a father doesnt hurt you no matter what you do. I feel so lonely, I know no one in the place I live and they see me as an outsider.

Im sorry for the rant, I just cant help what I am feeling. I feel like I should be fine now but its never left me and I dont know what to do.

[Lisa]

Hi Haunted,

Thank you for your post and welcome to the forum. I’m sorry to read how you’re feeling at the moment, however it sounds like your feelings are completely understandable and natural considering everything you have been through. You have been through significant trauma, and in reality it’s normal for it to take time for this to heal, sometimes it’s a lifelong process. It’s very common that you may feel ‘ok’ for a while and then feelings resurface, perhaps when you are triggered by something. Getting closer to a new partner can also trigger past traumas. For any women experiencing domestic abuse, when in the relationship you’re fire-fighting every day, coping as best you can, and it’s not until some time afterwards that the emotional effects arise.

It sounds like you’ve coped amazingly. You have protected your son- when you found out his Dad was hurting him you took action. The only person responsible is the abuser.

You say your son is doing well, with the help of counselling, which is wonderful. Have you had any counselling yourself? It’s the most effective way of trying to overcome the significant effects of trauma. It’s important you get a counsellor who understands domestic abuse and trauma; you could ask your local domestic abuse service about how to find one.

This section of the forum doesn’t always get seen as much, so please consider starting a new topic in one of the other forums.

Kind Regards,

Lisa

[Mimosa]

Hi Haunted, welcome to the forum. I too am struggling with thinking I should have bern protecting my children more and sooner, should have realised his moods and tantrums wrre abuse, but he was always saying he was tired, he’d had too much coffee, he didn’t have enough coffee, he drank alcohol, he needs a totally tidy house to be able to think straight and be happy, or he ate something with cheese in, or chocolate, or he had too much carbs, or he didn’t have enough protein… so I had to excused his appalling behaviour because he always had a ‘rational’ reason for it! Yet how does a little one comprehend seeing their dad in a rage and their mum in pieces or numbed out? I am still trying to forgive myself for being too soft, but I’d rather be gentle than a tyrant! It’s hard to give myself forgiveness because of the chaos my wonderful children have been witness to. I only recently joined but the impact on my thinking and feelings has been immense. It’s so hard for family and friends to understand what it’s like sometimes, yet on here we have common ground so can relate to each other more empathically I think. Writing it down has helped so much so I want to say thanks for reading my essay everyone and thanks so much for your support and encouragement. I read my stuff and it’s like they’re not my words. But I feel them and I feel I’m listened to and feel the support offered with genuine kind intent. Spending a lot of time in an emotional vacuum with no affection or basic care at best has left me numb for so long, but now I’m feeling stuff and I notice the impact on my children. They know a person’s intent and mine was to protect them and try to keep Daddy happy. I’m working on unpicking it all, it’s massively complicated. Not being alone makes a huge difference. Keep posting and reading and call the helpline if you can. They were a brilliant help too, just to hear a friendly voice acknowledge my pain as real was incredible and added to the support from this wonderful forum of amazing women!

Mimosa
X

[KIP.]

Hi Mimosa, I just wanted to add that you can use your evidence to have him removed from the home. Get a non molestation order. Speak to a solicitor. Most offer free half hour initial consultation X

[lilaclady]

Hi Mimosa.. just wanted to say you are being incredibly strong and I am so glad you have had your lightbulb moment. Please keep posting, helps so much just to get it all down somewhere and also I found re-reading later on down the track what I had posted helped me stay strong. We are all here for you.

Haunted you have done so well and I am so happy your son is doing well too. Lisa is right you should see if you should try some counselling too if thats an option? Keep posting, we are all here for you too and this forum is a great support!

Take care everyone xx

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