Im new, co parenting nightmare

[Banana20]

hi I am new to the forum. I wandered if anyone else has similar issues to me and after some help and advice. I was with my ex for (time frame removed by moderator), he left me for someone else (I was quite relieved when he did) we do have a wonderful (age removed by moderator) son together. He left (time frame removed by moderator) years have been hell to be honest. He has done nothing but try to break me and put me down. He is very controlling and coercive and he knows he can do this to me because we have to keep in contact for our son’s sake. He does see him regularly, although doesn’t pay any child maintenance because im too scared to ask, and if I do, he would want 50/50 just out of spite but I would rather have the extra time with my son and not have his money. But he often changes when this is, it’s always on his terms, he just tells me what I’m doing. I’ve kind of just got used to him being nasty and horrible to me, he is always so patronising and putting me down and blaming me for everything. but lately he’s very much using our son as a weapon. I’ve told him the only time we need to communicate is health and school/nursey. So he making everything about this. He keeps ‘finding’ medical issues wrong with our son. He is obsessed he has a neurodiverse (detail removed by moderator) he has been contacting an occupational therapist and telling me I need to send him more days in nursery because I am setting him up for failure by keeping him (he does go (number removed by Moderator) days a week but I think that’s enough!) he is always complaining about his behaviour and his (detail removed by Moderator), which he has now taken it to a specialist and is pushing for him to have his (body part removed by Moderator) removed. This absolutely scares me to death, he doesn’t need it ! He tries to stop me going to these appointments and cancels things behind my back so he can manipulate the doctors aswell! I am constantly living in fear as to what he is going to say next. I feel sick anxious, can’t sleep or eat, especially around a day I have to see him for a drop off. I also have purposely not told him exactly where I live, as he has always hidden his whereabouts to me and I was scared he would turn up at my door. Which he did recently, he asked our (age removed by moderator) son where I live. Obviously o had never told my son to keep a secret so that was such a low blow. I am constantly scared of him and his behaviour. Please had anyone else this issue. I can’t just block him out of my life because of our son but he is so controlling in every way. Thanks.

[Lisa]

Hi Banana20,

You’re not alone in experiencing this kind of behaviour from an abuser and hopefully some of the other women on the forum who have been through this will be able to share their experiences with you here soon. Abuse is all about power and control and, once a woman leaves, they will try to carry on that control in whatever way they can, often that’s through the children. I’m so sorry that he’s found out where you live, that must be very frightening. If you’re not already in touch with them, you might find it helpful to reach out to your local domestic abuse service for some support. They should be able to offer some ongoing emotional and practical support, including helping you think about safety. I can understand being worried to start any legal action around child contact for fear of how your ex might use this, but it can still be helpful to get some advice so that you can think about your options. Rights of Women provide free legal advice on areas of the law often needed around domestic abuse, they have legal guides on the website and a family law advice line. Coram are experts in law as it relates to children and their Child Law Advice website has lots of information, as well as a free helpline and live chat service. They also provide a call back service for more formal legal advice, which there is a cost to but it’s cheaper than accessing a solicitor without legal aid.

Take care and keep posting,
Lisa

[InShock]

Hi

I recommend get legal advice around child contact and CMS. I don’t think it’d end up being 50/50 if there’s proven abuse, but speak to a solicitor.

[swanlake]

Hello and welcome to the forum.

It’s awful that your ex is using your son like this. I’m not sure of the legalities but I would hope that both parents of a child with legal parental responsibility would have to agree to any medical procedures. Even if your ex is cancelling appointments and misleading doctors to try to lessen your involvement I’d hope that they would ask for your input and definitely any diagnoses and procedures. I’d hope that specialists would take evidence from nursery and tests as well as the opinion of someone who seems to be fabricating illnesses.

How might you feel about talking to your local women’s centre or domestic abuse organisation, who will be able to help you and point you in the direction of practical things that you can do and ways to help yourself. Your GP might also be able to help you with eating and sleeping; I’m on several different medications. I wonder if your GP is also your son’s GP and if they can be asked for second opinions that might be useful to counter your ex’s wild suggestions and give you back some control.

[Little Girl with a Curl]

Hello Banana20,

My ex used our daughter as a weapon. (legal details removed by Moderator).

I would follow the advice of the other respondents to your post to get as much legal and emotional support as you can. You are not alone!

[StrongLife]

Get legal advice and get a parenting order.

I too dealt with similar things and issues for yrs from ex after break up. It was and still is horrible and I went no contact with him after a couple of yrs.

I tried co parenting but it was waste of my time – he was just screaming and abusing me and calling me every name under the sun. It was no way to live life and I needed peace and quiet.

[Author]

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