I’m new here. Not sure what to do

[PB jelly]

Hi everyone, I just registered and a bit unsure where to begin.
My partner and I have been together just over (detail removed by moderator) years now. We have a (detail removed by moderator) boy together. To be honest the red flags have been there since the beginning of the relationship but I ignored them. Don’t know why. He doesn’t like it when I go anywhere on the weekend because that’s when he’s off and he wants to spend it with us. He actually doesn’t mind if I go over to my (detail removed by moderator) during the week as long as I get home on time before he wakes up (he workes permanent night shift so sleeps during the day). He hates my family.. He calls them names like ‘daft c*nts’. He’s holding onto grudges towards my (detail removed by moderator). He just can’t forgive and move on. He hasn’t seen them for over a year now. Never comes over with me and he pretends to be asleep when they come over. My mam annoys him.. He doesn’t want anyone to come over on the weekend either. He is so antisocial. My mam can only come over to spend time with her grandson (detail removed by moderator) when he’s having a nap before work.
I only had one friend but he managed to get her out of my life. He’s never met her but always hated her for some reason.
He sometimes checks my phone. I know he still does it even though I don’t catch him. When he finds something that he doesn’t like then he says it or use some information during arguments which gives him away. He says he only does it because he’s curious what I talk about with people. Once I messaged (detail removed by moderator) (guy) (detail removed by moderator) and he’s seen it and brought the phone upstairs to question me.
We argued before Christmas too because he didn’t want me to go to both my (detail removed by moderator) on the 24th and to my (detail removed by moderator) on the 26th. Even though he knew about the 26th for ages he still booked a holiday in then kicked off with me because he’s “not gonna see his son at Christmas”. Then I told him that I would go over to my (detail removed by moderator) and he said “you’re going on your own coz you’re not taking my son”. He can very quickly say my son in situations like this but wouldn’t change a dirty nappy.. He only puts him in the bath on the weekend. He doesn’t do anything during the week because he works and he’s tired. I look after our son keep the house tidy as much as possible. He just says things like.. this floor needs to be mopped surely you’ll have 5 mins to do it. By the way he’s the reason I don’t work. He didn’t want anyone to look after our son but me. He didn’t want to do it either just for a few hours so I could do something part time so I had to resign.
He complains that I’m not as fun as other girls sexually.. I was bleeding for (detail removed by moderator) weeks after pregnancy. Towards the end he accused me of faking it because (detail removed by moderator). He also made me give him sexual favours during this time. I did it just to stop the arguments. He thinks girlfriends give random hand and oral jobs to their boyfriend and I’m boring because I don’t.
I’m so sorry that my story is long and all over and a bit of everything but I just wanted you all to see a little bit of everything.
As I said he got rid of the only friend I had and I feel like he’s trying to isolate me from my family too. Or am I wrong? Do I see things in the wrong way?
I also have to be careful what I say how I say it and how I approach him especially if I know it’s a sensitive topic. Who wants to live like that? I can’t just say things the way they are or the way I feel or think because if he doesn’t like it then it’s hell on.

[Escapee]

Hi PB

Firstly, you sound like you need a hug….consider a virtual one sent your way xx

He sounds very controlling, selfish and entitled…..typical traits of an abuser.

When we first realise our situation is abusive the best thing to do is reach out – contact you local domestic violence charity….please remember to use the incognito web access so he can’t see what you’ve been looking up, you need to protect yourself. And then educate yourself about abusive relationships, trauma bonding, the abuse cycle and f.o.g. – there’s an excellent book called why does he do that – if you Google why does he do that pdf then you can access this for free.

Also, read through past threads on here. It’s really shocking just how many abusers follow the same pattern and behaviour.

And you are not being sensitive or a drama queen or unreasonable or whatever else he may say to make you doubt yourself. It is definitely him, his behaviour and his responsibility.

Please keep posting, reach out and build a support system around you (regardless of what he says!).

Welcome to this group of amazing women x*x

[1angel]

Honey, it’s abuse. So much of what you have said is what I went through. I didn’t (removed by moderator) years thinking it was in my head. His behaviour is unacceptable and you do not have to live like it. It actually made me cry reading it because my husband was very similar. It took me 10 years to speak to someone, anyone about what was going on. Find someone to talk to you. This is not in your head and it doesn’t have to be this way. This group is great to talk xx

[Yellowflower]

Hi PB reading this today really has made me cry. Our stories are so similar. It is abuse and what his doing to you is so wrong darling. You deserve so much more than this. I know when your in it it’s so hard to see through the fog but please start to read up on abuse and the tactics they use. Once I started seeing the pattern and recognising what he was doing it was like something just switched and I said no more. He hates your family and friends because he wants no one close to you that could possibly help you see him for what he is. He wants you home for certain times because he wants that power over you knowing it will make you panicky and rushing home. He believes his entitled to these sexual acts whenever he feels like it because he sees you as his property. There’s a life out there waiting for you and your son I promise you a life of peace and not walking on egg shells. Keep posting on here these ladies are amazing x

[Farawayplanet]

Hi –
I could have written your message too. I am getting my stuff together in order to leave as I can not take any more. I just didnt want to read and run, but just so you know, you are not alone. I eventually spoke to womens aid and they confirmed what i thought etc as I just did not want to believe it.

[PB jelly]

Thank you ladies for reading my story. I know what he’s doing is wrong but I can’t stop feeling a bit bad for posting here because we have good days weeks even months. He looks after us he works for us. Maybe that’s what he wanted. Me not being independent financially like I used to be.

The day after I posted he actually said that I was very controlling. When I asked what do I have control over he said sex love and romance. He’s awfully insecure and needs constant reassurance.

The reason I’m hesitating to leave is because I know that he’s gonna be horrible. He’s gonna try to poison our son against me when he’s older. He already said things like I can’t wait till he gets older and I can tell him this and that…

He’s doing (removed by moderator) which I’m glad about. One less night with him over the weekend..

Thanks again x*x

[Escapee]

Please don’t feel bad about posting. These men (or women) often have two sides to them. Mine abused me emotionally, psychologically and sexually, yet he was generous, bought me gifts, took me out but that doesn’t mean the abuse wasn’t very real and insidious. The abuse you are experiencing is also very real and insidious, they have to give us the good times too…..it’s all part of the abuse cycle.

Please keep posting and reaching out and please look to being safe. Xx

[Author]

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