This topic contains 13 replies, has 8 voices, and was last updated by  Lostmonkey 6 days, 19 hours ago.

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  • #107328
     Greentea101 
    Participant

    I managed to free myself from my abusive relationship after a horrible attack. Police investigation going on. My ex has messaged a couple of times, nothing nasty at all and i did reply (i now realise that was stupid) but I dont understand why i am missing him so much? Is this normal? All i want to do is talk to him. This is the first time in (detail removed by Moderator) years i havent been with him. How do you all manage and cope? Any tips or advice.

  • #107343
     KIP. 
    Participant

    Please block his number and all contact. This is the first step to recovery. Zero contact. It’s going to feel like breaking an addiction so the first stage is always more difficult. That craving for what you had. Even if it was dysfunctional or violent, it still felt normal to you. There’s also a grieving process you need to go through. Grieving for the loss of the relationship and the future you hoped for. So you need to take baby steps. Gather a support network round you. Seek out counselling. Ask your GP to refer you to a suitable therapist trained in domestic abuse and be kind to yourself. Report any further contact to the police. It will prevent him but also help prevent you from contacting him again too.

  • #107375
     Sleepy 
    Participant

    I’d agree zero contact and build a good support network around you. It’ll be tough going, especially at first, but you can get through this.

  • #107379
     Greentea101 
    Participant

    thank you all. Its super scary at the moment as i feel so alone! X

    • #107391
       Cantmakedecisons 
      Participant

      I hear you! Only day two here and I’m lonely and missing him W*F? It doesn’t make sense does it! How can we possibly crave love from someone that hurt us so badly.

      This morning as I woke up early, it was the first time I wasn’t worried about a bad atmosphere or having to judge the situation and adapt my behaviour. I sat and had tea, watched the news in the calm.

      I’m having wobbles every few minutes if I’m honest and convinced myself a few times that I’m not doing the right thing – but then I look at the scares (literally) his left me with and the mental instability I’m dealing with now. The most recent violent attack was only a few days ago, he raped me afterwards to apologise!?

      We can’t make sense of our feelings because for so long we’ve been in self preservation mode.

      Stay strong

    • #107399
       Greentea101 
      Participant

      Well done for getting out. Its been (detail removed by moderator) for me and i have no idea why im still like this! Im scared ill get into trouble for messaging him back with the police, but i just couldnt control myself. Im so so down at the moment. And even through the abusive, ge was my go to person.

      I too was raped on the day of my attack, and again he said sorry after! My brain is so confused! X

       

  • #107383
     HunkyDory 
    Participant

    Hi Greentea101, I went through the same. Nasty attack, (It had been escalating over time) and he left. The lucky part for me was he left the country, lucky for him he didn’t face charges. But even though he was out of reach I was terrified he’d come back. KIP and the lovely ladies here have talked me down when I’ve been frantic and totally losing my mind with fear.

    It’s natural, it’s your defense mechanism, your instinct of self preservation. Just make sure you are safe practically – does he have keys, if so get the locks changed. Keep your phone charged and have your support network ready because it’s a rocky ride getting yourself through it mentally.

    As KIP and Sleepy said, zero contact is the way to go (I’m about to post another thread about something that happened today). Like you, I missed him but the longer he was gone, the more I didn’t miss him at all. And I’m pretty happy with my life now.

    I kept journals throughout my time with him, and any time I felt a wobble coming, I read through my old diaries and reaffirmed why I’m best out of it. Having any sort of contact really is a no-no. Block him everywhere. I recently came off social media altogether so no danger of accidentally seeing him or his family, friends or flying monkeys.

    It’s been a good few months for me, and apart from today, doing well. Time really is the healer with stuff like this, and you will gradually start to realise you and your well being are more important than anything.

    Keep reaching out on here, this place truly has been my saviour along with a handful of friends and family.

    Good luck and take care xxHDxx

    • #107389
       Greentea101 
      Participant

      Thank you. I just feel very weak at the moment. Luckily he doesnt have any kkeys or anything like that. I have blocked him from all social media now aswell. Xx

  • #107407
     Lifebegins 
    Participant

    I feeling torn also Greentea101. I keep thinking we could have had such a nice life together and I really loved him and our family. But that’s not true. We would never have a nice life together as he wouldn’t allow it. And I only loved him when he chose to be nice to keep me hooked. A lot of the time I hated him as he was so horrible. I’m trying to focus on that.

  • #107506
     Sleepy 
    Participant

    I think we crave love full stop, all human beings do. The fact we find ourselves in abusive relationships screws up our minds when it comes to knowing what love is. It doesn’t rape or abuse, or hurt mentally etc. I made the mistake of getting back in contact with the man who abused me and I then couldn’t get him out of my life till I moved house A couple of years later and it was really difficult time.

    Well done for getting out Cantmakedecision! Hope things go really well for you.

    • #107526
       Greentea101 
      Participant

      I agree, i think i just crave the but where he treated me like a queen. And i constantly question myself. Did i deserve it? Was i his outlet for his traumatic childhood? I dont know. Im mow awaiting counselling. So glad i found this forum xx

  • #107513
     Eggshells 
    Participant

    Do you both know about trauma bonding? If not, the best explanation I’ve found comes from betterhelp. If you google “trauma bonding betterhelp” it should come up. It will pass. Do you have friends or relative that you can Skype?

    • #107670
       Greentea101 
      Participant

      I havent no, i will look at it.
      I do yes, but my family are very toxic too so i dont really speak to them 🙁 x

  • #107706
     Lostmonkey 
    Participant

    Even if it is one friend you feel you can confide bits in – find someone you can share some of it with – or here – but it really will help. Don’t worry about family if they are not the right people for this – you need to strengthen you x

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