I’m new. Think I’m going mad

[Countrylass]

Hi ladies, where do I start? So much to say. Let’s just start with this evening. I don’t know if I’m going insane but I feel I hate him. Tonight: it’s his (detail removed by moderator) birthday. Been so many problems lately I’ve done nothing. I’ve been so busy (retrained and set up my own business). I’m shattered. Constant critiscm has ground me down. The rows were so bad I thought it was over. We called a truce. Today, as his birthday I tried to make an effort. Finished an 8 hour working day. Physical job. Tidied up the the house, looked after our multiple dogs. Due to rows he has arranged to go to his parents tomoro – for a family gathering and mothers day (groan…my mother never gets that only his family). So I said …maybe we could have a night to ourselves before or after u go away? Yes of course came the answer. Now…he is a drinker. He spends half his life in various pubs with single guys/friends. It’s always been a problem. So Today, I finish work and think I can put on a show..do my best…make his birthday Ok, have a cuddle, drink some wine. But he comes home at 5 just after I’ve finished work and he’s battered. Absolutely drunk. But apparently that’s fine cos it’s his birthday. I look disappointed and the comments start. Then the lectures about how I should be nice. Then the hugging. And I don’t want to be hugged after a lecture. So we walk the dogs togtehr. I hear him downstairs saying “we are all ready, she’s not ready…and so on…” Then we walk the dogs and he lost his keys ages ago so I’m told to scour the ground for his keys. I said have u checked all your pockets? I’m shouted at. Am I stupid? Etc etc… he says “keep your mouth shut and eyes open”. I hate him. I bite my tongue. Then the lecture starts about what I’ve done wrong. I stay quiet and say that’s fine. We get home. I’m told I don’t do the recycling right…”clean the dogs feet I do the recycling…u don’t do it properly”. I bite my tongue. Then he’s changed the order we feed our dogs…so I’m told all about it. I have to do it his way now. I bite my tongue. Then I’m having a bath too late, it’s his birthday, wants a nice night with me….etc etc. This man is drunk and argumentative and I’m unhappy. I bite my tongue. I am wierd cos I don’t want gravy with my dinner. I don’t scrunch up enough paper for the fire. Then he wants me to sit and cuddle on the sofa. Then I’m told I’ve been an a******e so I should stay on my chair and not join him. I’m told I’ve ruined his birthday. He can’t wait to go to his mum’s. It just goes on and on and on. I’m so tired. I thought we had a breakthru. But (detail removed by moderator) of this and I’m broke. Am I nuts??? Sending hugs to each and every one of u x

[Countrylass]

Ps feels so good just to write this today. I’ve been so scared to reach out. I felt like was cheating if I needed help x

[Malachite]

That sounds really really tiring and awful. I don’t think anyone can live under that amount of pressure and be happy. I’m really sorry he’s putting you through this. The fact you’ve discussed this with him and he’s still doing it sounds like he knows what he’s doing. The constant critism and name calling and blaming you all the time sounds like emotional abuse, it’d break down anyone.
I run around like a headless chicken when I lose my keys (or anything really), but I don’t think I’ve ever told anyone to get on the floor and look for them for me! At the very least he should be on that floor with you looking and saying sorry for losing them. Like I can imagine some cute couples looking for stuff together and maybe even laughing about it afterwards, but someone else getting on their hands and knees for their partner and the partner being ungreatful sounds really unequal.
It sounds like you need to leave (I know it’s not easy, especially if you share a house and have multiple dogs), have you thought of ringing the helpline to discuss ways of getting out? They’re really patient and helpful. Honestly, I wish I’d left years ago, I’m ashamed of how on edge or angry I get so easily now bc of the critism and inappropriate behaviour. Even if he’s being perfectly reasonable I’m on edge or annoyed. Like I genuinely think he’s changed a lot of his ways (for whatever reason), but I still feel like I can’t let my guard down.

If he’s demanding all this of you, he doesn’t respect you/women/partners very much and you deserve better.

Hugs if you want them x*x

[Malachite]

ps. well done for reaching out

[Countrylass]

Hi thank u so much for replying . I didn’t mean I was on the floor looking for keys sorry…i meant we went out with the dogs ‘for nice walk ‘ but he suddenly started on about his keys he lost a while ago and the walk turned into a key hunt. Which is fine…im happy to look but it was just that when I said have u checked all your pockets…are u sure…etc…he blew up and I was told to keep your mouth shut and your eyes open. He was looking himself it’s just this nasty temper that erupts so often…every single day. One wrong word or the wrong question and I get a torrent of abusive language. I’ve been called a c***, b****,ugly. If I ask a question or don’t understand I’m told I’m thick and stupid. I’ve begged him to stop the names. He says he’ll try! But I’m told if I wasn’t so idiotic then it wouldn’t get to the point he needed to call me these things. It’s worse when he’s drunk but he’s well known for his temper. I’m sure I nag, I’m not perfect but there’s so so many issues and things that have happened. I can’t squeeze it all in. I just know it’s not right. But then we come home from the walk…i feel jaded and sick of being talked to like this…so he cooks a meal and makes a fire and hugs me and says he wants a lovely night with me…and I feel I’m going bonkers again! Xx hugs accepted thank u x

[Countrylass]

Basically, he is like Jekyll and Hyde and I dread it if he’s been drinking becuase it gets worse. He seems to bit pick at every single move I make…how I wash up or cook or walk the dogs etc etc. He has an opinion on everything I do but I am absolutely not allowed to have an opinion on him. If I do it’s always met with rages (these can escalate into him red faced, veins up, fists clenched, spit flying in my face, being pushed and jabbed (later told I didn’t hurt U, it wasn’t hard). He will keep screaming over me until I either burst into tears (met with laughter) or I’m told I’m not allowed to speak to him for the rest of the day/night…or I’ve ruined everything. It’s always so dramatic. And yet I’m called “drama queen”. If I’m tired and I’ve been really busy he says “do u want a medal?” Really sarcastic. It sounds so crazy….but when he’s nice he’s amazing..!! Kind generous very loving. This is why I feel I’m going nuts. Maybe I’m nagging too much? Too sensitive? Ungrateful? Maybe I want too much out of a relationship and he’s under pressure? I’m just so so confused x

[Janedoeissad]

Countrylass, you partner sounds EXACTLY like my Ex. Right down to the “you ruined my birthday”, although my Ex had been awake for around 30 minutes on the morning of his birthday when he decided to tell me that. He then made a point of re-telling me every week after his birthday.

Only difference between my partner and yours? Mine didn’t drink.

My partner was a total Jekyll and Hyde character. He was lovely one minute, shouting, throwing things and telling me it was all my fault the next.

Nothing I did was right (even the recycling!!) then all of a sudden he would ask my help for something and I would want to say “Oh, I am good at something then”.

Ultimately he threatened me with violence as I didn’t want to do something he wanted to do one day. The ONE day I decided to say “no, I don’t fancy that”, that was the result.

I’ve been gone for a few months now and I am very happy. My stress got so bad with him it made me ill. People tell me know they are happy to see the “old me” coming back.

Please call the helpline, that’s the first thing I did.

I really feel for you because living in a household like that is mentally draining. I hated every second.

Big hugs x

J

[Countrylass]

J thank U! It feels self indulgent to write on here..i sort of feel guilty. I just have to let it out. I will call them…hes going away so hopefully this weekend I can get a moment. I’m sorry u lived thru hell. I’m full of admiration that u managed to get out. I just don’t know what to do at the moment. We are in a phase of ‘trying but trying always seems to be me keeping my head down and him living his life very nicely…then we get on. But I feel so bitter and sad inside. U know how that feels I know! I’ve asked him to go to anger management.. I’ve said if u r less angry your life will be so lovely all round with everyone. But had rather deny it all. He’s barely worked this last (detail removed by Moderator) months (his trade is slow in winter but it’s never been this slow) so now he’s filling his days with (weirdly sitting on the loo for an hour in the morning looking at at Facebook videos, doing a ten minute dog walk, going back to the loo, mooching about the house then he goes off ‘doing things’, then normally goes to the pub in the afternoon. Lately has started the gym which I was delighted about…but now that’s part of his avoiding tactics. We have a newish home..in (detail removed by Moderator) months He spent 2 days laying a gorgeous path. That was it…absolutley nothing else. I’m working full time with my own business and 2 cleaning jobs and I do 90% of house work etc. I’m tearing my hair out keeping up with life and he is happily mooching about all day ….i just can’t keep it in sometimes. It’s like living with an 18 year old son not a grown man! And then I get the anger and the rages and told I’m boring, stop moaning I’m tired, stop asking for help etc etc…. I’m just shattered!

X

[Countrylass]

J, I feel like I should have been stronger a long time ago but now it’s gone so far I feel like a failure if I leave. The house and business is tied together as well. Your ex does sound just like him. I’ve had 3 doors punched in the new house, our old (detail removed by Moderator) fridge was peppered with punches in the last house, I’ve had the front interanl door kicked in becuase he was in a rage and out drinking til late (I begged him to stay with a friend as I was worried). I locked the door and text him that. He came home and kicked a hole in the door. He’s thrown all manner of things. He kicked my car repeadetoh whilst drunk once and screamed in the street outside the pub when I collected him (his dog had (detail removed by Moderator) in a fight and I wanted help). ….oh the list goes on. And yet….he can be wonderful funny and kind. I’m screaming inside. Xx

[Janedoeissad]

Countrylass, I understand how you feel trapped, I felt the same. We had very recently bought a house together and I felt like a failure moving out so soon after moving in. In the end it was hearing WA say “that is abuse” and the guys on here telling me the same that made me see my happiness was far more important than all that.

My Ex had many redeeming features. He was very organised, he cleaned all the time, he would make sure my car was ready before I left for work when it was icy, he wanted a nice home for us both. All that was entirely outweighed by the bad behaviour. A nice home isn’t nice if you are sat on the sofa waiting for the next “explosion”. I hated being in that house, as beautiful as it was. Even when I went back to get my stuff when he wasn’t there, I just wanted out, I was terrified he was going to come back. No one should live their life like that.

I was with him a long time and I would say half that time I wanted out although I didn’t see it at the time, I do now.

Have you told any trusted friends? I was shocked at the reaction of my friends. They were so angry at him. I thought his behaviour wasn’t so bad but when I heard afterwards that one of my friends had sat down with her own Mum to discuss how she could get me to leave as she was scared for me, that really hit home what was really going on.

Your Ex sounds so much like mine, its actually made me remember things I had forgotten. The times I cried and screamed at him to stop as he was scaring me with his shouting and throwing things. The times I was too scared to move in bed in case I woke him, too scared to cough, having to think about everything I said in case he tried to run me around in circles with what I had said. How I’d plan to see my friends at times which would upset him the least, he would still give me a filthy look when I told him though.

I’d say mine behaved like a toddler, always having tantrums.

[Countrylass]

Oh my goodness. Is this the same man?? Except for the cleaning haha!! This is hitting home so much. I’m on eggshells. I sold my beautiful little cottage about (detail removed by Moderator) ago to buy this uglier but bigger house to make us more a family and make room for the dogs. His (overbearing) parents put in a small percentage and the rest was from my house sale. I did the lot…agents, solicitors, packing, cleaning and everything at the other end. He moved our stuff with a pal and went drinking. I unpacked alone. And I sorted all the utility bills etc. House is in my name but there’s a deed of trust to his parents for their input. If it came to it I don’t know what I’ll do. I can’t afford to buy his parents share and my business is New, successful and in my now converted garage!!! What a mess. Xx

[starryeyed]

Hi Countrylass,

You are 100% not nuts, though I bet he wants you to think that you are. You sound like you are trying to manage a hell of a lot of abuse and he sounds really threatening with his behaviours.

Being pushed and jabbed and spit flying in your face – he sounds like a complete BULLY. You are not nagging, you are not overreacting – I feel like I am too sensitive all the time and always overreacting – but this is exactly how they want us to feel! Tell us this enough, we are going to start to believe it. Emotional abuse is really hard to understand because it is insidious.

I don’t know much about the legal side of things, so I’m sorry I’m no help there – but have you called Women’s Aid for some advice? Or called your local Women’s Aid? I found it hard to do this when I was with my ex because of time, but you can call them and leave a number they can call you back on and a timeframe and then they will get back to you within 24 hours. My local Women’s Aid were really supportive and I met them for a cuppa and a chat and support has gone from there.

Also keep posting on here, it’s a really supportive community x*x

[Tiffany]

Maybe also try rights for women to see where you stand legally. I am kind of hoping if t is in your name that you can get him out. So sorry that you are going through this. It’s all so familiar – I also “ruined” birthdays by doing awful things like cooking his dinner wrong, or buying him presents when he didn’t want any. It’s impossible – you can never get anything right and it’s exhausting. The only thing that helped me in the end was leaving. I hope that there is a route for you to do that too.

[Countrylass]

Hi ladies, thank u so much. I’m overwhelmed by how many of us go thru this and this forum is wonderful …i don’t feel so crazy. The weekend has been quieter becuase he’s away. I’ve been really busy but at least I don’t have the critiscm. I still haven’t called the number – I needed time to myself for once.

I have told my mum some bits…shes amazingly non judgemental. I have involved a friend before who is a wonderful friend.

But being on here I can let my hair down becuase I know we all understand each other’s woes completley and being anonymous helps tremendously.

One lady said she was still with him and feel a constantly on edge. I wonder if they will ever change…nothing seems to frighten my one. Nothing. Not me leaving…i guess he knows I can’t afford to leave the home I bought!!

One lady has said she feels much more herself. That’s what I feel…like the old creative slightly hippie me has disappeared and it’s all work and tired and rows and like I’m a dog at home waiting for a treat not a girlfriend or a person anymore.

I’ve told him. He shrugs, laughs, shouts, ignores. It never seems to penetrate.

Just b4 the decision to move house I did a pregnancy test and it was positive. For various reasons the doc told me to go to hospital…im needle phobic…massive fainter (!!). All the stress of everything sent me into a spin and I had an almighty panic attack outside the hospital followed by tears of shame. My boyfriend was fab that day tho prior to the attack he was getting angry about the parking there…turns out I wasn’t pregnant- all very bizarre – no explanation by professionals, just go home you’re not. For a year and half I suffered severe panic attacks ending up on beta blockers for a while and had CBT.

My boyfriend was great about it. But that didn’t alter the anger and the digs when I was feeling ‘fine’ since then I’ve worked so hard at beating it…im not like I was but loads better.

Long story short I bought a new house for us to have more room for the animals and more safety (room for dogs and kids) if I did end up with children.

He was all guns blazing. We moved. And I’m often told now he didn’t want to move, his life is fine as it is, he doesn’t see y we should decorate (doesn’t every couple make a home??), promised to do a fertility test months and months ago.

Always time for boozey afternoons, nights, boozey local events and days out…can u see the pattern?! And he says this is normal and I want far too much.

Ladies, I live in ripped jeans, I have one set of horse riding clothes and I wear wellies most of the time. I am defo not high maintenance!!

My dreams r fading and I feel I’ve been betrayed I guess. Feel the fool.

Yet he has his drinking buddies, life in the village he adores, a permanent dog sitter and cleaner who also works like stink (aka me).

Who raised these guys???

Who said it’s ok to stamp on other people’s dreams??

Why would they want to live such angry nasty lives when they could have had loving happy relationships??

And last of all….does anyone know if they ever get help or change?

Xx

[Author]

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