I’m not allowed an option

[Chocolatebunnie]

It’s ok to have a opinion sometimes

Not today though

Discussion about buying a house, said if we were going to we would have. He knows I have a reluctance to get a mortgage.

I’m concerned as he’s is tight with his money I can’t work I care for our older children who have mental health issues

I don’t always have enough money recently needed (detailed removed by Moderator) treatment which is now in the credit card.

He knows said he’d help but hasn’t. Do I have to ask him when I’ve told him anyway? I think I should have access to some funds from him for moments like this?

Anyway I told him I though we weren’t going yo buy the house as would’ve if we were going to do so, it’s been in the cards for years and always a reason that gets in the way.

He wants it all in his name not having me on mortgage or deeds.

Anyway I hurt his feeling as I was honest and now he’s barely speaking to me.

[Bananaboat]

My ex used to talk about buying a house together but I realise now it was all future faking. Stick to your guns, don’t enter such a big commitment with someone who isn’t fairly contributing to standard household/child costs. Your relationship needs to be super strong and you know you’re not there right now. Let him sulk! Your boundary of helping with other costs is a fair one xx

[Chocolatebunnie]

Banana oat from reading your posts and your replies to IM’s I believe our experience has been similar. I guess one way or another that applies to us all but I think more so.

It’s eggshells today I’m keeping quiet and letting him sulk.

Was reading why does he do that last night, have you read it? It doesn’t all apply but the underlying entitlement amongst other things is there. I think I need reread it to take it in more.

One thing is for sure you certainly learn a lot about people and yourself by being in a relationship such as this.

CB x*x

[Bananaboat]

Yes I’ve read it, it doesn’t all apply but it was definitely an eye opener for me and helped me realise a lot. I should probably reread it!

You’re right I think our experiences are similar, I liken it to Chinese water torture, as you say in your other post it’s often things that you feel you shouldn’t/can’t say (like the gifts thing) but they absolutely are part of their games and when you tot them all up it paints a real picture. But people who haven’t lived like us don’t get it.

Mine escalated over time to physical and I see similarities – like you I had him talking about buying a house whilst simultaneously pretending to forget my birthday and buy no gifts/cards at Christmas. So look after yourself, you’re doing so well and are stronger than you realise x

[Twisted Sister]

Hi Chocolatebunnie

Are you feeling better after your treatment? i thought someone in your family had offered to pay after your partner wouldn’t? I may have misremembered that, but has the treatment helped you to be out of pain?

It is very plain to him that you don’t want to enter into a house purchase with him, but that doesn’t matter to him does it. He will push ahead regardless. He doesn’t need your agreement if you are not even going to be party to it legally. Is he earning very good money as he will need to be to purchase one on his own.

Also, if he purchased a house, wouldn’t this mean you could be left alone again and he would move out again? Could it work for you to encourage him to buy the house? You are not signing up to anything, and you managed without him when he left to live with his mother before. Maybe this would be a way out if you wanted to do that?

warmest wishes

ts

[Chocolatebunnie]

Hi TS yes I’m getting there still got to have some work done but better thank you x

I have had some money from my parents as they were upset. He still says he will help, knows I did put it on my credit card but hasn’t done anything to ‘actually help’ I haven’t mentioned the help I’ve received from my parents as they asked me not to and are disgusted I have to ask for help from him at all.

The house we live in is council which he wants to buy. This is making it very stressful thinking about buying as it’s my home and I’m concerned that once we buy he can manipulate things much more. He also makes promises as to how the house will be once bought. When we moved here considerably some time ago he promised we would immediately buy and start decorating etc. he did some but now very little and one of the kids rooms is disgusting. I don’t have much time as I’m with 2 little ones, 2 older with mental health and ASD needing support and I’m classed as a carer. I don’t have money to address the decorating issues either. It’s not helping anyone’s mental well-being.

I wish he was buying somewhere else.

He has saved a huge sum of money as a deposit and is tight with his money because, but can buy expensive clothing, meals out etc etc it’s how he chooses.

I would love to buy the house and all he says sounds wonderful but I have a huge gut feeling, nothing new and need to work out my next steps, although he’s still not rushing to buy so I still wonder if it’s future faking as Bananaboat experienced.

[Twisted Sister]

you can contact the council and explain your situation to them, you and your children are vulnerable and need protecting. As an abuser he has no right to remain there, let alone buy it!

I am suprised that he has an entitlement to a council house with so much money I really am. He should be privately renting or buying, so that others like yourself in actuall need of support get it.

I would also fear for your protection if he buys this house and then says he will ‘let you stay’ in it! Its your home.

I am so glad that you have received treatment for your pain and are feeling better and hope that now you have greater energy to tackle your load.

warmest wishes

ts

[Chocolatebunnie]

Also as mentioned in my other posts too he has this saved money in an account which he has kept quiet. He accidentally told me which bank this is with the other day.

He does not want me financially involved, with the secrecy and one time him saying he wouldn’t kick me out if we bought I feel I don’t have trust in this at all

Cb x

[Chocolatebunnie]

Thanks TS I need to tread carefully with this situation. We are living together as a couple we are involved in all manners.

I’m not happy and need to plan ahead. I guess a solicitor and local support from WA.

I just don’t have the strength to do anything final. Not yet, people do tell me when I’m ready I will know.

But before he goes for a mortgage I must tell him, but I know there going to be a fallout as he has his hopes pinned in this and I think it’s partly why he is with me as I don’t feel truly loved.

Yes when his mum kicked him out and he pushed his way back into this home. He has plenty of money to buy/rent elsewhere. He has just manipulated things and got his own way.

Thank you for your kindness x

[Iwantmeback]

Hi Chocolatebunnie, I think you came on the forum just as I was getting out of my abusive relationship a good few years ago. Contacting your local WA would be a very good idea, some of them have an in-house solicitor they use too, socould help you there too. Definitely don’t let him buy your home. I’m more than positive if he wasn’t in the picture that you would manage your money a lot better and you’d have the energy in time to decorate your house. Am I right in understanding this was your house then he moved in? I take it you’ve put him on the rental agreement? If not he can’t buy the house as it’s rented to you. I hope he’s not on the rental agreement but it is also worth informing your landlord/ Council about the situation and they could advise you accordingly. Even just opening up to someone else in authority let’s light into the darkness of abuse.
Best wishes and stay strong
IWMB 💞 💞

[Chocolatebunnie]

IWMB yes you’re right I started posting around then and had found your posts inspirational as you did get out and stay away. I often thought about if you’d managed to stay out and so glad you have xx

We have been together decades and so joint tenants he moved out temporarily and moved himself back without me being fully agreeable. We were dating again having split up and I know he manipulated me and took no regard for my feelings.

You are right I’ve opened up recently to family and a family therapist who are all supportive that I should separate.

Last time I didn’t go the no contact route, he came into the house saw the children whenever and I tried to keep it amicable. I need to try no contact as we’ve been together forever and I am a softy easily manipulated. He should just walk in to my home if he had left.

Local WA mentioned a solicitor gave me details of who they use. I had to do this by myself, I guess this may be normal but I was too anxious and felt it was a betrayal. I didn’t have the emotional strength to do it alone. So I avoided this.

My parents want us to separate, he clearly is financially controlling me and the family. I know buying the house would make this much worse.

CB X

[Iwantmeback]

Yeah I totally get how you feel its a betrayal of him and the relationship, I felt like that too. Over time I came to realise every time I did something that took me a step further away from him was a step closer to being more free of his behaviour, the more you do these things the easier it becomes, I wouldn’t say that anxious feeling goes away but the feeling, it really does get get less and less.
At my local WA, they arranged an initial meeting with the solicitor but if say it took another 3 years or so for me to actually set the wheels in motion to divorce him. Circumstances happened that we’d to sell the house first, so I was financially free of him before I was divorced. I personally found that better for me rather than doing everything at once. Its not been plain sailing, he’s definitely stalking me at times and playing the victim. I’m still working on how to stop all contact from him, I don’t instigate any but I do still answer calls. It would have been better for me to move on if I’d been able to move away like I’d wanted, but again circumstances prevented that happening. Definitely putting boundaries in place and sticking to them helps. I would never go back to living with him, he has not shown over the past few years any signs of having changed, oh he’ll say he’s trying but actions speak louder than words. Sometimes I feel like I’ve become him but I’m now seeing that it’s me getting stronger and being able to stick to most of the boundaries I’ve put in place.
Once you start to get more information regarding buying the house, which may just be pie in the sky, you know, future faking as he knows you want the stability. But really with the way things are because of the cost of living, do you want to get a mortgage only for it to rise in the near future again. Could you honestly afford say another £500 ontop of what the mortgage would be. Put him off the now with saying something like, the mortgage rates are so unstable just now can we hold off a bit longer. Its okay to lie about a future you know you don’t want with him or see yourself in. We do whatever it takes to survive living with them.
Best wishes
IWMB 💞 💞

[StrongLife]

That is rough. I am wondering if you can see the mortgage papers just in case he put it in your name without you knowing.

There is little point towards that happening. You are putting money towards his house and not your house. You have a right to be angry. I would be furious.

Before ex similar thing happened to myself with guy taking me around to houses to buy. I ended up declining and the relationship fell over.

Please note as well they take out car loans in your name etc and other credit cards and loans without you knowing.

[Author]

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