I'm not coping in isolation

[Butterfly3]

So I’ve wanted to leave my husband for a while and I have a DA support worker. I am also kn the housing list but things are taking time. I’ve been managing just about by working and concentrating on my children. He was working long hours which helped too. Now we are in isolation and he is self employed and cannot work. So he is at home 24/7 it’s been a week and I just can’t cope anymore. I am classed as a key worker but I am working by calling clients and doing emails/ report writing etc. He clearly resents the fact I’m working and is making is difficult for me.(detail removed by moderator) I’ve applied for a manager’s role recently as I really want to do whatever I can for financial stability when we leave and its just me and the children and the way he’s being is massively jeopardising that for me as I need to do what I can from home. I think he’s doing it on purpose as he’s already made it clear that he thinks me going for the managers job is so I can leave him (detail removed y moderator). I work part time and my whole wage is the rent. That doesnt cover food, Bill’s and childcare costs which I still have to pay even when the children aren’t there. He’s told me I’m selfish. He then stormed off and refused to help with the children at bed time. I feel like he is using this whole situation to his advantage. I wanted to do the supermarket shop the other day as I was desperate to get out and he started shouting at me saying I’m not going and only he will be. I feel like this situation is great for him. I’m even more isolated than ever and he is now trying to control the money and has a more ‘legitimate’ reason to do so. He doesn’t want me going out and says it under the guise of care- so he’s putting himself at risk of getting a virus and keeping me and the children ‘safe’ at home. He’s been screaming and shouting at me telling me I treat him like s**t and his reasons for this are small things like I didn’t cuddle him when I walked into a room (detail removed by moderator) I am trying to keep the peace as much as I can for the children as I dont want them to be affected but he is losing his temper over the smallest of things. I am so scared that this will go on for so long. I’m genuinely scared of how this is affecting me. I just know that they will prolong these 3 weeks and I dont think I can cope with it. I’m not coping well at all. The housing officer isn’t getting back to me and nor is my DA support worker. I feel so trapped. It was hard before but now its unbearable

[KIP.]

Please get in touch with your local women’s aid. His angry outbursts aren’t because of anything other than he enjoys making you feel bad, he will just change the goal posts and yes abusers will sabaotage our hope and dreams. They cannot stand to see us achieve and be happy. He want to keep you down and keep you in a state of fear so you don’t have the headspace to work out what he’s doing. They will use their children to abuse us without a second thought. Do you have anywhere you can go with the kids. Can you afford to rent somewhere? Do you have a friend or family member that can stay with you to watch the kids and allow you to work?

[Butterfly3]

Thank you for your reply. No I have noone to help me. I had a difficult childhood and a mother with mental health difficulties. My dad wasn’t around. I have probably 1 close friend but she has her own difficulties. Its literally just me and the children. Before I was with him I had more friends but not now. He’s argued with me again today as I asked him to help out around the house. He is of course not helping and has turned it all around into me being in the wrong because all I do is moan at him in his opinion. I’m so exhausted of this life I’m living

[KIP.]

Start reaching out to women’s aid. Speak to your GP.you can get a telephone consultation. Log the abuse and how it’s making you feel and that you’re scared of him. Contact your local women’s aid for advice too. I heard in the radio the government where I am have just given £1.5million to domestic abuse charities so they recognise this is a dangerous time for victims. Ring 101 and speak to the domestic abuse police too. He’s controlling behaviour will escalate so you want agencies to know what’s going on. I secretly recorded my abuser and let the police hear it. After the criminal trial I got a restraining order. This can be done through a solicitor. It might be a non molestation order or occupation order you get to remove him from the property. The police may be able to remove him for you, ask when you speak to the domestic abuse police because I believe they have new powers. Your abuser will not change. He chooses to behave this way. It’s going to get out of control. The abuse is always worse when they feel they have us trapped and this is what he will be feeling. It’s draining and exhausting and leaves little energy to fight back. That’s where women’s aid and the police come in.

[iliketea]

i’m in exactly the same position, was planning on leaving and then this happened. He’s now not working either as he’s been furloughed so I imagine its just going to get even worse. No words of wisdom as no idea what to do either. My IDVA also pretty silent, said she can only communicate by text over this period. When people say call local Womens Aid I dont know what that means, we dont have one here. There’s just the refuge agency which is run by the homeless charity and then the domestic abuse service with the silent IDVA. Theres nothing else. Or am I missing something?
Anyway, sending solidarity, strength and hope you stay strong and can get the hell out when the time comes. xx

[Scapegoat]

My heart goes out to you and it sounds so much like my situation at present except i have no young children.I am considered extreme high risk so have had to work from home,which he doesn’t like either. Am now getting that he is the one risking his life to go out,I’m a 2 timing b***h and I’ve had my chances. I care more about my job (he to is SE-so no wages at present) and I need to get my stuff and f*** off-which I can’t as having spoken to Dr cannot go out at all. No matter where i Work in the house,it doesn’t suit him as I am focusing on something other than him.Even told me he couldn’t give a s**t if i get covid19 and die. He really is a horrible s**t. Constantly threatens me but if I say I’m going to phone police, he laughs and says -I’m sure they have better things to worry about right now than spoilt b*****s like you. I’m sorry I don’t know what advice to offer you as I feel completely useless myself. Stay strong x

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