- This topic has 7 replies, 6 voices, and was last updated 4 years, 6 months ago by
.
-
Posts
-
-
Just like majority of everyone else posting here, my mind is constantly spinning, wondering if I’m the crazy one or if I’m actually being abused.
I just left my boyfriend of almost (detail removed by moderator) years because of the constant chaos and what I felt like is abuse in the relationship. He had a very bad childhood, suffering from abuse himself, but the crazy thing is, his abusive ways seemed to come out during our relationship, since a number of people confirmed he didn’t treat his ex wife this way. He also has a video game addiction.
Some examples of his emotional abuse and gaslighting:
-I would request to do an activity and he would agree, and then “joke” about why that activity is stupid or why do I want to do it and then when I get fed up and cancel the plans, he would go on about how he wanted to do it and I was the one that cancelled and he was excited to do something I wanted to do
-He constantly antagonized me and then acted like I was crazy when I reacted. He would do things we had fought about before or I had asked him to stop doing. When I reacted (and it got to a point I would freak out on him because I was so over it), he would only focus on my reaction and how I wasn’t going to treat him like, and never focus on what he did to cause the reaction
-He diagnosed me with mental disorders and told me I was the reason we weren’t married, that if I could just control myself and my anger, we would be able to move forward
-My feelings were categorized as twisted, made up, lies and drama. My mom has started to catch on to his ways and he told me that none of his ex’s moms disliked him and that mine did because I either made up lies or took the things he said out of context, not because of the actual way he was treating me
-He used things and situations to control me. I would stay at his house (but wouldn’t be able to officially move in – still paying my own mortgage and bills associated with a house) and assume the responsibilities, but when I’d ask him to address his 8+ hours a day of video game playing, he would go on about how he pays all the bills (even though I give him money for the ones I have an affect on) and that if I want to split the chores, I can pay half his bills
-He also constantly questioned me about the dumbest things… Why I’m curling my hair today when I haven’t done anything to it all week or why I’m wearing this or monitoring my social media and questioning why I liked this picture or that post. He even went as far as telling me he had a right to continue questioning me if he didn’t like my answer.
Where my confusion comes in is he has shown a much nicer and caring side to me, pretty often. And it makes me wonder if he’s truly an abuser or if it’s a reflection of the hurt he’s experienced throughout his life and something he can change. He buys me things. He often goes out of his way for my family. He does acting loving and appreciative to me at times and helps me out in certain situations. But honestly, the cycle of abuse explains the relationship perfectly.
-
You’re not crazy but they like you to think you are.
It’s normal for them to do nice things too; this just causes us more confusion!
Trust your instincts, they’re telling you that his behaviour is not ok. He has no right to question you and if he doesn’t like the answer just keep drilling into you.
It’s really good that you’ve got your mum to support you.
If you haven’t already, contact women’s aid and have a good talk to a support worker; they really help you put it all straight in your head.
Xx
-
It sounds as though he’s using his childhood as an excuse. It is fantastic that you have picked up on his abusive behaviours. It is entirely possible that his ex didn’t have the language. It is also possible that most people don’t know what goes on behind closed doors and many people don’t understand the dynamics of domestic abuse.
Basically, don’t listen to them! These people are likely to either be ignorant or flying monkeys. You weren’t there when he was growing up and it’s up to him to deal with the hand he’s been dealt. Not you.
My ex also entitled himself to ‘rights’. It’s a load of nonsense and just rhetoric.
Please get in touch with Women’s Aid and start speaking to them and maybe start making plans. It is difficult to come to terms with the fact that these abusers live in an alternative reality.
While you are still together, make sure you don’t speak to him about anything that matters to you. Not even Brexit!!
He will lay on the charm to hoover you back in. It’s part of the cycle. It’s very difficult to get away and difficult to understand that abusers are dangerous people.
You describe an abusive relationship very well. Their behaviour is not unique much as they like to think it is.
-
He honestly makes me feel like I’m the abuser when I stand up for myself and call him out on the nonsense. And I find myself sometimes stooping to his level or reacting like he wants me to, but I have gotten to a point where I don’t care. He doesn’t scare me. He doesn’t intimidate me. His comments have no effect on me because they are so far from the truth and I won’t be a doormat for him to walk all over.
I did find myself thinking “is this real life?” multiple times after he made his comments about things like having the right to question me. Um, excuse me, what? I’m a grown women. You do not get to question me and have so far from the right to do so. I would literally ask him “Who do you think you are?!”
-
-
My husband had a traumatic childhood but I don’t see why me and my child should have to be punished day after day. It’s just not an excuse. I get projected onto as he has very negative views of women. He tries to say ok like his mother but I see through that lie immediately because I’m nothing like her. It’s just what he chooses to see in his warped mind. Sometimes when his shouting gets too much I’ve behaved in ways that are completely out of character for me and now I see that this is not me being crazy, rather a normal reaction to a completely intolerable and abnormal situation.
For a long time I’ve made excuses: he’s suffering, every marriage has problems, it’ll get better. He’s not always horrible and can be very generous and supportive but the monster always returns. There’s no joy, nothing to look forward to. Family time is stressful and unhappy.
I’m far from perfect and my life is complicated but I don’t go around shouting, swearing, belittling others.
My husband has no friends and the people he knows say to me in jest that they don’t know how I put up with him.
We deserve a happy and peaceful life.-
It’s crazy how so many responses sound like something I would right. Our fights got worse and worse because I become so fed up with the way he was treating me. I never knew where I’d be laying my head ever week since he would kick me out at the snap of a finger, even when I had people renting my place. I’ve stayed in hotels in my city because he kicked me out. My reactions eventually turned into my screaming at him at the top of my lungs and telling him how much I hated him. No behavior I’m proud of but he just kept pushing and pushing and pushing. And Id snap because I was so tired of being belittled and criticized and put down. Of course we are crazy for acting like that because they never acknowledged what they did prior to that
-
-
Typical abusive behaviour. I didn’t realise I was being abused until my husband had left me. I stupidly thought it was normal but realised when my son cold me he had witnessed things and had shown me teeth marks in his bed, where he had bitten it to stop himself from screaming when he heard him say and do things to me. My husband could be the most caring man, buying flowers and jewellery for no reason but would also constantly use my anxiety against me and make me believe I was mentally unwell. He even told me I was abusive and that he was going to get me sectioned.
You did the right thing in leaving him. You are worth so much more and don’t deserve to be treated that way. If in need to talk or just need someone to vwnr to feel free to message x
-
Not crazy, at all. He is abusive. And many of the things you’ve described sound like the ‘man’ I left recently. He can be the most affectionate loving (but intense) person ever. Such passion and love, but it all comes at a cost to me and my sanity, he tells me I’m abusive and cold but its cause I shut down when he is rant mode in an effort to self protect. Not that it worked. He could rant and talk for b****y hours and hours about himself and his difficult life so far and how it’s all made him this way. When I do eventually try to call him out on his attitude and moods he calls me abusive and ‘crazy woman’ who is a c**p mother to my children.
At the end of the day; abusers dont have their own forum where they are questioning themselves and their sanity and looking for answers, do they?! We arent abusers, we arent perfect and sometimes we also lose our s**t! But that doesn’t make you or me an abuser, or crazy.
FL x*x
-
- You must be logged in to reply to this topic.
