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    • #11335
      Memand
      Participant

      I’m new and wondering whether what I’m going through is abuse or not. It’s certainly nothing compared to what others have to endure, but I feel desperate and don’t know who to turn to.
      He came home from work with flowers for women’s day and was very sweet and loving.
      Later on we were having dinner and a few drinks with a friend. The friend and I were talking and he couldn’t find a gap to say what he wanted to say. He stood up and threw his phone at the wall. It smashed to pieces and he stormed upstairs.
      I went after him and he said it’s because he’s from another culture and that he behaves this way because I’ve stopped loving him.
      This is one of many such incidents. I thought he was trying to behave differently, but I was naive. When I try to talk to him he stonewalls me.
      Is it abuse or just a problem with anger? Maybe I haven’t given enough information. I feel isolated in this.

    • #11337
      Memand
      Participant

      I mean, I think it’s a childish way to behave but am not sure if constitutes abuse. He can appear extremely menacing and has told me I’m sick in the head in the past.

    • #11356
      Ayanna
      Participant

      This sounds abusive to me. For sure he has an anger problem.
      Abuse starts like this. Smashing things, storming off, refusing to communicate, later he smashes your things and might then resort to beating you ….
      Watch this closely, because abuse worsens over time. How was he when you met him? Did you see the signs or did they develop slowly during the relationship?
      Being from a different culture is a lame excuse.
      Nobody, who loves their partner, deliberately hurts them in any way. True love always strives to make the partner happy and respects them. x*x

    • #11358
      KIP.
      Participant

      It’s very abusive. He used breaking the phone to control you. He wanted your attention. He couldn’t get it. He behaved aggressively and got what he wanted. Please contact your local women’s aid. Don’t let him blame his abuse on his culture. Rubbish. That would mean every person from his culture would be abusive! You’re scared of him and that should never happen in a normal loving relationship❤️ Phone the helpline for some advice and to find your local branch. Abuse creeps up and always gets worse x

    • #11360
      Falling Skys
      Participant

      Hi Memand

      Yes Yes Yes

      Acting like a spoilt brat abuse

      Blaming his culture abuse

      In your head so its your fault abuse

      Go with gut its not right and abuse is abuse how ever they serve it to us it is wrong. Also we are desensitised to what they did/do to us, so very under estimate what you are going through.

      Talk to WA when I did I expected to be told I was over reacting I wasn’t and their support is invaluable.

      FS xx

    • #11363
      Memand
      Participant

      Thank you Ayanna, Kip and Falling Skys. I’ve been coming to the that conclusion myself. I don’t know what to do though.
      Ayanna, our relationship started out really well and we have been together for most of my adult life. However, when I look back there were red flags. He did something illegal back at the beginning and asked me to lie to the police about it.
      It’s so hard to take in. When he is in a good mood he is extremely sweet.

    • #11365
      Ayanna
      Participant

      Is he open for change? He definitely needs to change his ways. Does he have insight into what he does to you?
      If he does not I can only advise you to leave on good terms. The situation will not get better, on the contrary, the abuse will increase in intensity over time.
      Personally I do not believe that abusive men can change.
      But there are people out there who believe this.
      There is a Freedom Programme that aims at abusive men to help them change. Some did change I heard.
      Ask WA about it and see whether he would attend it and take on board what he learns there.

    • #11366
      Serenity
      Participant

      Hi there,

      What worries me is that he obviously has anger/ jealousy issues, breaking things is meant to unnerve you and / or shows lack of control on his part – so how will this develop?

      You see, my ex-husband started out by smashing things, slamming and punching doors and name-calling, and this developed into nearly two decades of imprisoning mental, emotional, financial, sexual and physical abuse.

      I didn’t leave because the abuse had whittled me down, and like you, I doubted my own thoughts and ended up blaming myself, because he did.

      I became physically ill due to trauma and violated on every level.

      He then extended the abuse to the children.

      Where will all those negative behaviours lead? And where is the basic respect and care for you that would prevent him from doing this in the first place?

      I wish I had filed for annulment on my wedding day. I kept hoping he’d changed and tried to convince myself it was his culture ( he is from a different culture, too ), his poor upbringing, etc, etc. At the end of the day, he was just a horrible person, simple as that. And abuse worsens over time.

      Of course he plays nice at times, or else you’d instantly leave him. Those nice moments are keeping you hooked.

      X*x

    • #11368
      Memand
      Participant

      Thanks again Ayanna.
      I have just finished a brief course of anxiety management therapy and through that have been able to get through to him up to a point. He seemed to listen, but then threw the phone. He has thrown chairs among other things in the past.
      I’m on the waiting list for more therapy for sexual abuse I went through as a child. (He knows it happened and has suggested I made it up as an excuse for lack of sex drive).
      I can’t believe I’m writing all this. We have kids, otherwise I probably would have left by now. They adore him.

    • #11369
      Memand
      Participant

      Hi Serenity. Thank you so much for replying and I’m so sorry to hear your story.
      I’m really angry with myself for allowing all this to happen. The thing is the incidents seem really isolated and between times he is extremely selfless. I’m having a hard time accepting this.

    • #11370
      Falling Skys
      Participant

      I had issues accepting that it was abuse to. I would even think I had remember things wrong, because the truth is to painful to admit even to ourselves.

      I think we are all angry with ourselves for putting up with it and not realising sooner. But focus on that you have and you can be free.

      FS xx

    • #11373
      KIP.
      Participant

      If you google the cycle of abuse it will explain a lot. Women’s aid are great at opening your eyes and can be of great help. You’re obviously very unhappy which isn’t good for your mental health. I suffered from depression and anxiety. I didn’t know it at the time but it was his abusive behaviour that destroyed my mental health for decades. Don’t let him do it to you x

    • #11376
      Memand
      Participant

      When I went for an assessment interview for therapy for the childhood sexual abuse the counsellor asked me if I would describe my relationship as a positive one. I said no and uttered a brief couple of sentences about it. She suggested WA and I was shocked. When the dust settled I looked at this forum. Now I feel as though she may have had a point.

    • #11380
      KIP.
      Participant

      All our headspace is taken up dealing with the abusive relationship. There is little left for rational thinking. We are expending so much energy trying to survive by pleasing our abuser, we lose ourselves. Just remember to stay safe. Abusers are most dangerous when you try to leave. So when and if that time comes, be very careful x try to listen to professionals. I dismissed my WA worker at first, I defended my husbands behaviour but every word she told me came true. He eventually was arrested for assaulting me. I just couldn’t see it🤔

    • #11381
      Memand
      Participant

      He has never laid a finger on me though, or forced me sexually and we have been together a very long time. That’s why I wonder if I’m blowing it out of proportion.
      How does WA work? Because I don’t do talking on the phone.

    • #11383
      Memand
      Participant

      Kip, thank you so much for all your support. I’m so sorry you had to go through that. X

    • #49162
      Malachite
      Participant

      I mean if he’d just thrown the phone and stormed off then appologised to you and your friend (and hadn’t done anything else intimidating to you and didn’t overly shower you with gifts etc. the day after) it wouldn’t be great but I wouldn’t instantly think “this is abuse”. That said, I have an £20 nokia i drop accidentally all the time so if I threw it it wouldn’t be anywhere near as dramatic. I think if it was a £100 iphone then guilt-tripping would be a factor too.
      He’s trying to explain it away / make excuses: “I went after him and he said it’s because he’s from another culture and that he behaves this way because I’ve stopped loving him.” And he’s done things like this several times. This sounds like you’re probably not getting much honesty out of him and he may not be willing to change or accept he is toxic/abusive.
      If you feel like you’re walking on eggshells, I’d say leave so you can get some self confidence and be happy. Also, do you think he’s trying to put your friend off coming over because that could be another serious issue?

    • #49167
      Tiffany
      Participant

      I would try and start writing all the incidents where you feel scared or intimidated down. Don’t worry about whether they are in just in your head or not, just keep a note, somewhere safe where he cannot read it.

      I was also in a relationship with a man from a different culture. I excused so much bad behaviour from him because “it was his culture”. Among other things it was his culture never to compliment me on anything and always to point out when I had done something wrong. It was his culture to entirely ignore me (apart from hissed instructions that I was doing something wrong) when in the presence of his family. It was his culture to ignore my birthday even though I love birthdays and put weeks of effort into his and my families. It was his culture to give me the silent treatment. And towards the end it was his culture to hit me, particularly when I was half asleep and couldn’t be sure that it had really happened. And I couldn’t question any of this behaviour because “it was his culture” and if I questioned it I was a racist with no respect for him.

      If you start writing down the incidents which worry you you might be amazed at how often they actually happen. The longest my ex went without an abusive incident was maybe three weeks. I would look back on these times as our “normal” but realistically he was abusive in small ways almost every day, and big ones at least once a week.

      Like you I thought things weren’t too bad. I tried to reason with him. I wrote things down and tried to talk them through. Don’t talk through what you have written down. I did that. He banned me from keeping lists because it was traitorous and convinced me that I was imagining things because I was sick in the head. I just read one of those lists. He’d started to be physically violent by this point. I forgot the list and stayed with him for another 6 months.

      Honestly, I am fairly confident you are in the right place. I thought my ex wasn’t nearly as bad as other abusers, and that I was overthinking and he had never raped me after all. Turns out thinking you are overthinking is a symptom of abuse, and many people, myself included black out about the worse incidents. I was have sworn when I left that my ex never laid a finger on me. Actually, he never bruised me, so I could have no evidence and he could convince me that I was overreacting, but he was using physical violence to scare me on a regular basis.

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