- This topic has 5 replies, 5 voices, and was last updated 4 years ago by
.
-
Posts
-
-
I’m not sure if it’s my fault when my partner loses his temper and hits me. We often bicker over silly things but every few months we’ll have a big row which usually results in him hurting me physically. I don’t know if I deserve it or not as when we row I know I can be really mean to him and I say awful things which I always regret. I know I go too far at times and he does sometimes warn me of what he’ll do but I still don’t stop as I’m so annoyed. Other times I won’t have a warning and he’ll hurt me. Sometimes he’ll hurt me badly (never my face but sometimes my head) and sometimes it’ll be a shove. I always say to myself I’ll leave but I never do. I always tell myself we’ll get better. He asks me why I always push him too far by saying things and I tell him that it’s what people do when they row. I ask him why can’t he just say mean things to me instead of shoving me around and he can never really answer. He once bent my wrist back so hard it took over a year for it to stop hurting and I’ve had bruises on my body that last for over two weeks. I hate what he does but then the other half of me tells me I deserve it for being mean to him. Apart from this we’re a very loving couple and actually get on so well. I’m just so confused about it all and I don’t know what I should be feeling.
-
There is never ever am excuse for domestic abuse. What he is doing is illegal. He is assaulting you. It’s not your fault. He chooses to behave this way. It’s cowardly and appalling and you should never put up with this. Please ring the helpline, speak to your GP and have your injuries noted in your medical records. Imagine if a friend of yours was being hurt by heir partner. What advice would you give them? Abusers hurt us in secret. He won’t mark you where it can be seen so this means his abuse is calculated. Abuse always gets worse. The helpline and your local women’s aid can help you escape. You can report him to the police for assaulting you. It’s not acceptable and it’s illegal.
-
-
-
It depends on your view on violence I guess; for me there is never an excuse for violence in any situation, whether it is DV or war.
When a person’s self esteem is low they can feel (and act) I dont care about me, it sounds like this is what happens to you, a self sabortaging, and in those moments you really dont care what could happen to you. When we have a strong, healthy self esteem we care for the self and step in to protect the self when this is needed – have healthy boundaries, meaning anyone who does not respect the boundary is not permitted in.
The things you say that you don’t mean, this is anger and frustration, I imagine you tried communicating how you felt a long time ago only he never responded to you, meaning your true self has been oppressed, because he doesn’t want to hear you does he, means he would have to take some responsibilty if he did, this leads us into anger, when we are not be heard, valued or respected.
The bit that’s missing here is that you’re not acting on this for the self, not saying this is not ok for me, I am gone.
When we are angry we often become irrational and reactive, say things we do not mean, take something somewhere we really didnt want for it to go – this is why it’s important to express anger with control and in a non violent way – with respect – so this doesn’t happen.
Because you are worn down and going round in circles you have given up trying to get your true self heard, sounds like you’ve fallen into playing him at his own game, I did this for a time, you end up communicating in a similar way to him, only it’s not healthy communication. Left me feeling this is not who I am, I ended up arguing about stuff I really didn’t want to argue about, in defence, to justify myself.
I eventually learnt I don’t need to justify myself to anyone, which feels much better, this stops me ever getting into anything I don’t want to, period. I either don’t care what the other person thinks or I respect we can think and feel differently.
You’re angry because of how he has treated you, and on some level you’re also angry with the self for not walking away. You have no power over him, nor would you want this even if you could have it, what you’d like is for him to exercise some control here and treat you with, love, kindness and respect – this is what you are fighting for – only you are never going to get it – so on it goes, sometimes worsening.
Your power is within you, you have the power to control your emotions, to choose how you respond to your emotions, thoughts and the self, at the moment you’re ignoring the self and how you feel, ignoring what it is you need here, so you get angry with self for not responding and doing what the self needs you to do, to step in for the self and do right thing by yourself – which leads you into falsely thinking thoughts like ‘I deserve this or I asked for it’.
You’re worn down, likely cant see the wood for the trees alot, you know what needs to happen, that you need to walk away, but you keep putting it off and continue to go round in circles. The way out and forwards is without him. Let him go and give yourself what you need here x
-
- You must be logged in to reply to this topic.
