I’m not Sure if it’s rape?

[confusedabouteverything]

My Story started a long time ago when I was just (detail removed by moderaor). I had snuck out drinking with a friend who was (detail removed by moderator) older than me and someone who I secretly crushed on. At the club we bumped into another guy we knew who was older than both of us, he kind of tagged along with us which was fine. But on the way home he walked with us, and I was pretty wasted. I tried to be clever and try to (detail removed by moderator) when I fell flat on my face and they both came rushing to pick me up. Once they got me up from the floor the older guy suggested we go back to his place and asked if I fancied (detail removed by moderator). I was pretty drunk and just fallen flat on my face and didn’t for a second consider he was actually serious. I don’t remember getting back to his house, don’t remember entering. But I do remember that I was sleeping with my secret crush which I liked and wanted. But then, the clarity for me changes when the other guy decides its his turn and I keep telling him no and keep telling him he’s got a girlfriend (detail removed by moderator). But all I remember his him fighting me and pulling me back every time and having sex with me while my secret crushed watched on, telling him to (detail removed by moderator). The next morning before I could even do anything, my friends, everyone was told by these two guys that we had a 3some the night before. I didn’t believe that story at the time but, now knew I could never tell anyone in fear I would never be believed. For years I even convinced myself that is exactly what happened and I’ve never told anyone, until a few years ago when a random person tried to convince me this was rape. Now I’m confused and I don’t know what happened or what you can call it but I never wanted to sleep with the older guy and I just felt so ashamed and dirty that I allowed myself to be in that position. I was only (detail removed by moderator) and was a virgin and that time, now I’m (detail removed by moderator) and can’t even recall everything that happened that night. The only question I have every time is, was it rape? Did I consent? Am I to blame? Why was I so stupid to sneak out and go drinking…

[KIP.]

Hi there, absolutely none of this was your fault. You were under the legal age for sex so it’s rape from that point of view before you even begin to talk about the fact you were too drunk to consent and actually said no. Rape crisis have a great helpline. I was raped at a young age too and absolutely buried it for years. Sometimes when there is a trauma later on in life, all these early traumas can come flooding back. Or maybe you’re just able now to look at and process what happened to you. There is no time limit for reporting rape to the police and many rapists are repeat offenders so there’s a good chance there are other victims too x there’s nothing to be ashamed of. Imagine now hearing about a young (detail removed by moderator) year old child being abused like this. It’s not okay, it’s illegal and it’s not your fault x

[KIP.]

I was ashamed too for years, I kept that secret and doubted myself. Did I cause it, was it something I did. It was humiliating and embarrassing and I didn’t tell anyone. The fact that they made out it was a ‘threesome” and told people is them getting their cover story out there first. Two against one. No wonder you were confused x

[confusedabouteverything]

That’s exactly how I felt right after it happened. I think deep down, I felt it was never right what happened. But soon as it was out there and people knew that we supposedly had this “great night”. I never felt so embarrassed, shamed, dirty and humiliated. Yet it felt better than trying to explain to someone my side of the story and having nobody believe me. I felt like that would be worse if people knew what actually happened and how I felt but didn’t believe. For years I convinced myself it was a great night, that I had a sexual experience that was adventurous, and something I wouldn’t do again but I tried it. It’s only now I’m older more wiser that I question what happened. Yet I still don’t think I’ve processed it, I still can’t accept what it is or to even admit to myself. I’ve never told anybody accept one random person years ago on the internet, who are the one’s who made me question all of it. This is the first time I’m putting this out there for real people to read. I’ve never even told my best friends or family and the thought of them knowing is worse than me knowing. Of course they would support me I know they would, but I don’t think I would ever want them to know. I wouldn’t want them questioning how didn’t they notice, or why they weren’t there for me when I needed them. I guess In some strange way, they were there for me. They treated me normal.

The strange thing in all of this is, I don’t think I ever want to go public with this, I don’t want revenge, I don’t want justice…. I just want clarity and to be able to understand for myself what happened and maybe then I can finally start to accept it. This isn’t about these two guys and what they did it’s about me accepting and realising the truth of what they did and then maybe I won’t be confused anymore…

Thank you for your reply, it means more than you know.

[KIP.]

Just take baby steps. It’s a shock to the system to admit we have been raped. I couldn’t say the word out loud for six months. You won’t always feel this way. Once you have had time to process it, you will feel different. I’d definitely seek out some counselling. Talk to your GP if you can, or look for some private counselling and I know rape crisis provide counselling too. No rush. I’m sure your family would be really supportive. Mine were. They didn’t judge at all. It was actually quite calm and matter of fact. Keeping the secret eats away at you so it’s best to talk x

[ISOPeace]

I felt so upset reading your post. What a traumatic experience for you to go through. There is absolutely nothing in your post that would make me doubt it was rape. I’m not surprised you’ve pretended to yourself it wasn’t rape. Acknowledging it must be so difficult and you must feel so betrayed by the one who was your crush.

You did absolutely nothing wrong and what they did could have happened to anyone. So many girls go out drinking and are lucky enough to not be taken advantage of (sadly many are unlucky too) but alcohol is no excuse for rape. Would they be ok with somebody treating their daughter that way? Of course not. They know it wasn’t ok, which is why they covered it up by calling it a threesome.

Sending you love and strength on your healing journey. Xxxx

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