I’m not sure if my mother abused me?

[orangesintree]

Hi there, long post ahead. (removed by moderator)YO here, I wanted to post this in the ‘is this abuse’ section, but I believe it’s just for people with partners? Sorry if I got this wrong… anyway. Some part of me believes I was emotionally, sexually and physically abused as a child. Though, I’m uncertain, but I’ll get to that later.

I recall being hit repeatedly by my mother before I was a teenager, as well as general violence like being pushed, pinched (and had my skin grabbed and twisted, I think?) until it burnt, and harshly grabbed often. I can’t remember if the violence was often or not… maybe once or twice a fortnight, more if I misbehaved/talked back? My siblings beat me up a lot, but I think that’s just a sibling thing, and I, well, unsuccessfully tried to fight back.

Moving onto the sexual element; my mother was very.. proud of her body, and would often do things like shaking her a*s in my face. When I hit puberty, however, she would repeatedly talk about how sexy I was, commenting on how big my breasts were (I’m an (removed by moderator), so there was no reason for it, and even if I was big, it’s still not right), and fatshaming me. She’d get angry when I became insecure, or tried to diet, even though I’ve always been underweight. Additionally, she’d stare at my chest and when I tried begging for her to stop all of the sexual acts, she said I was being pathetic and she’d do it more. One time whilst drunk, she lunged her fingers towards my genitals, before denying it. I don’t know if she intended to, as we were in an argument and she could of just went to slap my wrist or something.

Finally, the emotional part.. constant shouting, screaming that I ruined her day when I did nothing. Bullying, humiliation, occasional death threats, complaining about me, constant mockery, yet when the tables were turned against her, started shouting about how she wished I wasn’t here. She seemed to be stuck in a loop of wanting me to be more confident and picking apart everything I did. My sister would come home crying about bullying and be met with a sympathetic response, but when I did it, all I got was being told I was pathetic. Maybe I’ve been the problem all along? Little things such as her always saying rude things about people (e.g: calling our (removed by moderator) fat) and a very young me repeating them made me feel like a horrible person (which, yes, I am) but slowly I’ve realised that I wasn’t born this way, rather learnt it from her.

Sorry, that was a lot. Still, I know there’s a lot of stuff that I haven’t mentioned, and that’s because I just can’t remember any of it. I think I mentioned some of the worst parts, but a lot of it is fuzzy. Honestly, I can’t remember anything from my childhood aside from a few bits, but I know that she probably has said and done more.

But, even still, I don’t think this is abuse? I was never beaten up (unless you count being hit in succession), sexually assaulted, and the emotional stuff seems minor. If it was abuse, I think I’d remember a lot more, aside from a few events that stand out.

Additionally, ever since my late teens, she has become extremely kind towards me. She tells me how much she loves me, and how special I am to her. She does pick me apart often, but she also praises me for things like getting into university, it must be because she cares about me. She wouldn’t lie, right? I’m just being pathetic about all of this? Maybe I’m making this all up for sympathy? I really don’t know anymore. It’s messing with my head. Is this abuse? And if it is, do I forgive her?

[Cecile]

This was abuse and it still is abuse. If you are doubting your judgement on her current behaviour to you then yes, she is manipulating and controlling you. She is probably basking in the light of your success which suits her purposes for the present. You can make a complaint to the police of historical child abuse. You can get help with this. You seem to be a very level headed and intelligent person and the fact you are sharing this clearly shows you know right from wrong. You are very brave and listen to that voice that is telling you that you are in the right. The actions you have described by your mother are truly truly awful, I found it hard to read your account. No one but no one has the right to treat you this way, you deserve to be treated with respectXx

[Anonymous]

Hello orangesintree

I’ve often wondered the same thing about my own mum too, but mum’s are supposed to love and cherish their children unconditionally, right? I watched Ian Wright’s programme on BBC1 last night and found it a very honest account of his childhood: stepdad violent and abusive towards his mum, him and his brother. Ian felt his mum was passing on her trauma about what was happening to her onto him and he described how it made him feel. It resonated with me, how he spoke.

There was lots of trauma in my family when I was growing up, which probably may have triggered this abusive behaviour from both my parents. Neither has ever sought professional support as far as I’m aware. Instead I’ve been used as the family scapegoat and made to feel guilty for being born healthy, being intelligent and being successful. As a child I never had friends over to play or for sleepovers, I’ve never had a birthday party organised by my family. When I finished my exams at 16 I was told to go out and find a job and not to come home until I had found one. As an adult she goes out of her way to praise my husband’s achievements but ignores my successes – this is triangulation, to make me feel worthless. It has taken me a long time to realise this and I’ve never spoken to anyone about it. I do wonder what it would be like to have a warm, loving family. I’ve hardly had a hug from my mum in my lifetime. And people are complaining about how they’ve not been able to hug loved ones during the pandemic!

My mum gives me no support with the harassment I’m getting from my dad (her ex-husband). Now I’m getting divorced myself all she focuses on is how difficult everything will be and how I will struggle, because that is what happened to her.

So, orangesintree you are not alone, I understand how hard it is to acknowledge what has happened to you.

[Author]

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