I’m not sure or am I?

[bahookie]

Bearing the brunt of every negative thing that happened in their life – and knowing it’s coming, the misery extended by w – a – i – t – i – n – g for the nasty coming.
Being berated in a moving car
Being stonewalled for days on trips, only for the sunshine to come out again when others are present
Being excluded from any decisions, big or small
Them taking against you for weeks on end but not having a clue why
Being unable to leave rooms because they are barring the way, glowering and berating you for some perceived wrong doing/look/word
Keeping all assets in family members’ names so I had zero security and no claim to our home
Being left on the kerb crying while they drive away
Endless stomping off in shops when I dare to walk down the wrong aisle
Hiding my phone, hiding the car(!), hiding my keys
Making me doubt my sanity by telling me something was discussed when I knew it wasn’t
Stomping off in foreign countries, leaving me to somehow find them because I had no money or way back
Whispered threats – just out of earshot of others
Being told I’m the ONLY problem we have
Being whipped into a confused angry frenzy as a go-to avoidance technique – and I’m the problem again
Being devalued and demeaned in public – oh loosen up “I’m JOKING”
Mocking my voice
Mocking me when ill
Actively pouring on the nasty when I’m in hospital
Grabbing/pushing and utterly denying it happened, even when shown photos
Running up my credit card and leaving me in debt for years
Ignoring my family and friends but expecting me to do everything at all times with theirs
Demeaning my family and friends

I’m pretty sure this is all abuse. I’ve left and life is calm but very lonely. I told the lady at the jobcentre I’m being kind to myself and she said, “it’s about time someone was”. Right on.

[Poodlepower]

Sounds very familiar x
My strongest memory of the abuse is the feeling of being utterly powerless. Of having no control over when I slept or ate. Of being unable to do even the simplest thing to make myself happy, like read a book or watch the news. Being able to decide when I should have a cup of tea. Being able to get out of bed when I wanted to. Being able to leave a room or put my clothes on when I want to. Being able to have an opinion, and voice it without being afraid. Not being scared when I get caught up at work and I’ll be home later thsn expected. Being able to get into my own home without having to ask him to take the chain off.
All these little things ground me down. The violence wasn’t the worst part.

[freedomtochoose]

bahookie. You are definitely sure. You have just described it all.
Please get out. Run. And run fast.
ftc
x

[Sunflowersandstars]

Life will always be better calm and lonely than with an abuser. Learn to love yourself and enjoy your own company. Never look back, the feelings he instilled will never fully leave you so use them if you need reminding. Just reading everyone’s comments on here have helped me feel much less lonely.
SaS

[bahookie]

I truly appreciate all of your replies.

I am sure.

I don’t think my situation was as bad as others’ on here, but to me it was horrible and unbearable.

I think the loneliness is the worst bit but I just need to suck it up and make a new life.

[Poodlepower]

Yes, the loneliness is hard. I often get a pang of sadness, missing my partner. We did have some good times… But I know the good times were him manipulating me into staying.
Stay strong and look to the future. I’m planning as many adventures as I can, starting with (detail removed by moderator). I’ve started to dabble in dressmaking- something I’ve been keen to do for ages , but was never allowed to as it would mean me moving freely around the house to cut patterns etc….Doesnt it sound ridiculous that I couldn’t move freely around my own home? But that’s what it was like. I had to sit where he wanted me to be and stay there. I feel like I’ve been let out of prison, but confusingly I miss having his hugs. Stockholm syndrome maybe?
Anyway, there is a brighter future ahead for you. Don’t be scared to be alone xxxx

[anotherlife]

bahookie, I’m so glad you are out. It sounds so similar to my life but I have 2 children and the episodes are on and off / up and down so I’m planning and trying to get some guts to do something about it.
You will feel lonely at times and miss some of the good times, but the bad times will far outweigh the good. Most people get lonely at times, but we can be lonely when I’m a relationship with no love or support.
I found the lady at my job centre a lot more understanding than family at the time! Kindness is there sometimes when we are not expecting it.
KIP has so many wise words, please take her advice as much as you can. Take care of yourself and try, just a little, to look forward and not back. So you can have hope.
I always ask my children to be kind and to look forward, which I try to do.
Wishing you the best, you deserve happiness x

[bahookie]

Good for you! It’s good to hear of positive things. Be proud

[bahookie]

I’m finding the formatting of this forum quite confusing, so I’m not sure if I’m replying to the thread or to a specific person.
I’m so very grateful to you all taking the time to answer me. I needed a bit of validation because sitting here alone it’s been hard to keep my thoughts together. I think it’s because for so long I’ve been told what I think is either flat wrong and there’s something up with me, or ridiculous and laughable.

I know I need to look to the future, but I’m just overly sure how.

I’m starting counselling in a week but to be honest I’m a bit scared of it. We went to couple’s counselling just after I left and it was a CAR CRASH. I walked out shaking and in shock at the vehemence and bitterness and name calling and the fact my ex wasn’t even speaking in their own voice or using natural their natural speech patterns.
I have to say though, I was angry too.

Anyway, thank you all for your messages. I’m having a bit of a rant now.

[Author]

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