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I was thinking today how abusers make us feel we are never good enough- even if we exhaust ourselves looking after them, or put up with rubbish no one else would.
Added to this, we may have had overly- critical, demanding or selfish families of origin.
So we walk around, with a heave heart, feeling we are not ok.
This belief that we are not ok ruins our life, and is what makes us tolerate abuse. We believe their lies that we are not ok.
Anthony Harris wrote a book many years ago called ‘I’m Ok: You’re Ok.’
He said how there are variant beliefs amongst people: that they are ok, and others aren’t; that they aren’t ok, but others are; that everyone is ok; or no one is ok.
Victims can have the belief that they aren’t ok- but others are ok, including their abusers. They self blame.
Arrogant abusers can have the belief that they are ok: it’s everyone else who is not ok- the world doesn’t recognise how special they are, blah blah. They expect everything and give nothing.
Ive got to that point- after years of neglectful and critical parental and sibling opinions, and a few abusive experiences- where I’ve realised I am ok. Not perfect, but ok.
Feeling you are ok makes a huge difference. It allows you to believe you deserve happiness and you go after things that make you happy.
You stop self- punishing and putting up with rubbish.
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Hi I like this post, it reminds me a lot of “normal” what is normal, if we were to ask anyone what a normal person was, we’d get hundreds of different answers, where each person would give their definition. I wish I could have a pound for every person who had told me “he was just a normal man” I’m ok is what abusers think they are, what they mean is me myself & I think that “I’m ok” Also I’ve been told that no one cares, no one wants to hear my problems, that over the years you are supposed to say when you are in a dreadful state I’m ok! We are humans with feelings and our abusers had none that wasn’t OK. I had to refuse on the end as would not be around his abuse to relatives which was serious, as serious as his abuse was to us, say no I’m not visiting, after I’m told I did not support him. I’m ok is an excellent post Serenity, It is a great shame that these abuses get away with what they do. In today’s society I am shocked at what others see as ok, I truly am, like it’s OK to have multiple partners, it’s OK to put a woman in her place, it is ok to verbally abuse & be aggressive, maybe we are the minority who have suffered abuse, I’ve even been told some women enjoy it, How can that be, how can I Accept it is acceptable to be abused and love on fear, tread on eggshells 24/7 then told It was me, I was over sensitive, I’m ok me, you are ok too Serenity, so too are all the ladies on here. None of us are ok as in our mental health after being abused but we are normal people with normal feelings. Your post makes me want to go out and shout I’m ok, but then everyone will think I’m mental, what he said, I’ve over justified myself to everyone, trying to educate them on domestic violence and abuse and the serious consequences it has on our health. Still those who don’t believe think, what is she talking about, she’s mad. Here here Serenity I’m ok, Lost all my confidence 100% I shake cry live in fear but I’m ok as a person xx
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And I like the slogan for good mental health that’s out at the moment
‘Its OK not to be OK’,
as in if we’re having a bad day.
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It is ok not to be OK Would anyone be OK with being abused, or living life in fear, I was talking about mental health the other week and said everyone has mental health problems, which I was truly not being unkind but they do. Meaning You hear so often people saying things like “I had a bad day at work today, I need to pour a glass of wine to calm myself down” Whatever had caused the bad day had effected their mental health. For them & to them it was OK to not be ok. For us though, who have had in many cases years of daily abuse in our home environment, not daring to live a normal life, do normal things, it’s not been ok to not be OK. When we are away we know it wasn’t us & we know that we are ok but convinced we have no right to feel ok about ourselves. I would love to know an abusers view point on their definition of “I’m ok” xx
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