I’m out please help me be positive

[enofadov]

I left today. Husband refused to leave the house but me and kids safe with my parents.
I thought I’d feel relief and happiness but I’m hoping you ladies will help me be positive tonight? Xxxx

[KIP.]

You absolutely did the right thing. Well done. He was never going anywhere and would never have been reasonable. My ex did the same. He was prepared to see his own son and me homeless just so that we would not leave. Any reasonable person would walk away and leave the children in their home with their mother but that is where he thinks you will return. And that’s where an abuser has no empathy or consideration for anyone but himself. I know how you’re feeling but you and your children deserve a peaceful loving life without someone determined to bring you down. It’s important that you stay strong and positive. Try to get someone to act as a go between so you don’t have to talk to him. Perhaps your mum or dad could talk to him. They like to be seen as the reasonable one in public. I never regretted ending things. I regret that it took so long for me to do it. Hang in there. Decide what you want. Run it past your solicitor and stick to it. And get the support of your local women’s aid.

[Tiffany]

I am so glad enofadov. All of KIP’s advice is good. I just wanted to add that my ex was very reasonable when he thought I would return, and then became increasingly erratic and abusive as he realised he had really lost me. I wish I had gone through a go between to sort things. I ended up giving my abuser half my savings in the months after leaving. I am so glad I managed to stick to half and go no contact before he took the rest or reeled me back in. Obviously you can’t go entirely no contact while he is in your house, but you can do everything through a third party which will help protect you. Remember that your husband is incredibly good at manipulating you. Don’t give him more openings to do so than you can help.

[Lisa]

Hello enofadov,

I just wanted to see how you are today? You have done so well by leaving. I hope you and your children enjoyed a restful night and you are able to keep contact with him to a minimum to enable you to start to process your situation and your feelings. You have done the right thing but please be careful as this can be a dangerous time, particularly when he starts to realise that you are not going to return to his control. Get plenty of advice and support from your local Women’s Aid group and the helpline if you need to talk. You have done brilliantly so please be kind to yourself and keep posting here to let us know how you are getting on.

Best wishes,

Lisa
Forum Moderator

[White Rose]

I’m so glad you are safe.
You’ll feel numb confused scared relieved stupid paranoid and every other emotion you can imagine but you’ve done the right thing. Focus on yourself for a while. Take advice and take it slowly. if youve not got a solicitor yet and have a local women’s aid ask if they know a solicitor with experience in domestic abuse – my WA recommended 2 and the one i use has been a rock. If there’s no recommendation then shop around use the 30mins free advice they offer to get a feel of them.
Have you let school know what’s going on?
Take care, try to relax and keep posting when you feel
you need to xx

[enofadov]

Thanks everyone for the support.
Today I do feel numb and just so very sad….thinking of all the happy times and doubting the bad was actually that bad….did I imagine it all. We are still at mums, kids were ok last night but unsettled tonight and daughter sobbed herself to sleep as I haven’t brought her a summer dress for school which broke me.
Husband has messaged that he intends to collect children as normal from school tomorrow and if I disagree to message him. I’m just worried if he takes them back to the house then they are not going to want to leave when I go get them are they?? And that’s going to unsettle them even more….don’t know what to do

[enofadov]

Sorry forgot this was the positive thread! 😬

[KIP.]

You need to speak to your solicitor about a contact order or at least get their father to acknowledge that he will bring them to your parents at a certain time. The police won’t get involved if he doesn’t return them unless there is a court order. Can you agree their schedule so that everyone knows what’s happening? Do it in an email or text so you have it in writing or better still get someone else to agree it so he can’t emotionally blackmail you or use the kids. Set out a daily schedule for the next week and see how it works? But trust your gut. You’re probably right about what he’s thinking.

[Surviving]

My ex refused to leave the home too even though his parents had an empty house where they had paid the mortgage. Me and the kids had to leave in the end because he made it unbearable. Once I moved out he moved out anyway and we had to sell the house. He didn’t care the kids lost their home and mived away from their friends. Once he moved I found a house back in the area so the kids can be with their friends again. Weeks later he moved back to the area. It’s all spite. Can’t be because he wants me still because he got a new partner a week after I moved out.

Definitely see a solicitor. I didn’t think about it until he came to collect the older child for the weekend but instead decided to snatch my little one and drive off at speed with her. Police couldn’t do anything because we had no order. Luckily he bought her back that night. Like nothing was wrong and said see you next week so I said NO I don’t think so and I didn’t let him take her again (Detail removed by moderator).
If he didn’t bring her back I would have lost her and would have had to fight for her through court

[enofadov]

Oh my goodness all so scary
He’s put things in writing so I’m hoping he will stick to it??

[KIP.]

Even if he doesn’t stick to it you can use it as evidence should you need to. He won’t want his behaviour exposed to solicitors so that may be a bargaining tool. I don’t mean threaten him, just keep this in mind x

[Author]

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