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He never called me names, in fact he always said how much he fancied me etc even though I always said I didn’t like it. He would smash anything to hand, I wasn’t allowed my things in his house when we moved in & had to sell everything. He’s now paid the money he gives me for our daughter through PayPal with an email saying he didn’t know how else he was going to get it to me but if I wasn’t happy him paying it that way he would put it in an envelope & push it through my door. Now I feel sorry for him again, I’m worrying what he’ll do when I end it. He’s trying to get our daughter to stay at his but she keeps refusing & will only Tx him, she’s ignoring his calls. I’m worried about her doing this. I’m sure it cos through her therapy she’s just starting to realise he’s the reason she’s had a breakdown. She’s really angry with him & is trying to take back control by not seeing him when he wants her to, he told her he’s really hurt by it but she’s not budging. Is she right setting these kind of boundaries, showing him that she won’t be at his beckon call? I know she loves her dad, but what he did is so raw to her.
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Wow. Total respect to your daughter. I wish I had her determination when I realised he was an abuser. I would support her in her decision. I think it would be easier if there has to be contact, for it to be solid. Like every second Tuesday at 7pm she rings him and can hang up when she wants. She has the control. Look out for him blaming you. Don’t feel sorry for him. He caused this mess. Save yourself X
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HI, don’t feel doubtful in any way, he is trying to make you feel sorry for him, it is the good old trick and he knows how to pull the string, you can’t see it because you live the situation as YOU and HIM but we can see it for what it is worth.
By saying it to you you may even think no I am not listening to these women who don’t know him. But even I can recognise the signs and I am being blunt about how the description you give is making me feel. Your daughter is admirable in her strength and determination, she sees clearly. She is setting her own boundaries. She is right.
I fear my daughter (the one who receives the abuse from her dad so he can get at me and hurt her too) is not strong enough to set the boundaries but at least she knows she will be safe with me. She has said once though that, if/when I divorce she probably won’t go and visit him, if not ever at least rarely. She doesn’t want me to stay with him and is acting just like the others but she keeps an eye on me in the background, I know she does.
I agree with KIP’s perspective and I too raise my hat to your daughter. Her suggestion for contact is perfect too, it is a question of not making her feel guilty too, if she wishes to put the phone down, she must not feel guilty or under any pressure. She knows how he made her feel, how he affected her and she needs peace and stability, not someone who hurts her and you.
Stay safe together. I am like you, foggy in my brain, but it is always easier to see clearly when it is someone else who experiences abuse. Please don’t doubt yourself. -
I’m so proud of her kip, she’s so much stronger than I am. She said in therapy she does want him to be in her life but she wants it in her terms!! The psychologist is really helping her, he’s encouraging her to take back control & she is. I only wish I had her strength. At least I got something right in my life, she has the warrior gene that all the women in my family have 😉 I need to find my warrior agin! She won’t commit to seeing him at the minute & I’m backing her all the way. I’ve told her she doesn’t have to see him if she doesn’t want to, she rang me yesterday when he was trying to guilt her via Tx. I reminded her that this is how he works, I told her to do what she wanted & that he will have to accept it. She is now aware of his manipulation tactics, I felt bad for pointing them out a couple of weeks ago, but now I see its empowered her. She sees what he does & wont bow down to him. He hates it of course. She’s a teen, it’s only natural that she will want to see her friends over her parents!! I support her being a social butterfly but he just thinks about himself. When she does decide to see him I will make sure there are clear boundaries for him & if he crosses them he will have the police to deal with. She’s pretty epic my girl!
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Than you for your honesty Bridget Jones is free! It’s being on this forum that’s made me realise I’m not crazy he is abusing us. I never think “you don’t know him like I do” cos they all follow the same patterns. I know what he’s capable of & I admire my daughters strength. She is amazing. I do worry how it will be if she keeps it up though. I suppose I just have to be there for her no matter what. I would obviously prefer she had no contact with him but that’s not going to happen. In the meantime she gives me hope, I thought for sure she would be broken by him but with each session at Camhs she gets stronger.
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