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Hi all, I’m new to this forum and its the first time I’ve ever posted on anything like this.
My story. I’ve been married for a few decades now. Married within months of a was whirlwind relationship to someone who was so charming who made me feel fantastic and so privileged to be asked to marry him and do this so quickly.
Yes you guessed it, this turned sour pretty quickly but as I come from a mixed race background, I was put under real emotional pressure from my father to put up. I have. For far too long.
He has never hit me but is highly manipulative. Over the years he has never complained if I want to go out but will go very quiet if I try which has led me to alter my behaviour and never go anywhere other than work.
He is deceitful with his earnings and paid nothing for almost (detail removed by moderator) towards tany household bills or expenses including to that of his 3 children. He played a blinder with the joint account, putting money in on a monthly basis towards his half of the mortgage only to take it out again. I had no idea ubtill he failed to hide the statement from me one month and I asked for statements going back many many years and caught him out. He denies this until this day despite years of evidence.
He calls me names based on my physical appearance and tells the kids I’m mad as I had depression during and after the second child. He plays the kids off against each other.
He’s lovely to them until they catch on to his nasty ways and then he is as abusive to them as he is to me. The oler two are adults and dislike him with a pasdion. The youngest is starting to backchat him and call him out on his lies so this relationship is now going the same way.His rages towards me are explosive and abusive. He insults my family to me but not to their face. If YOU met him you’d think he was wonderful and would go out of his way to help you, however to us, we see a different person altogether. I’ve left in the past only to feel guilty and come back….. Even had another child. The kids have called the police on him and he’s left the house like he’s the injured party. I later feel guilty as he’s pleading to come back and I give in.in his rages He tells me that he’s an abused husband.
One there has recently been a family crisis with one of the older kids and he he really showed what he was made of, leaving me to deal with it alone. I was disgusted at his attitude towards our child and this was the straw that broke the camels back for me.
I’m making plans to divorce him and and am determined to carry it out this time. I am seeking legal advice as I must have full custody of our child. I also need a clean break and want to try and buy him out of the house.
After all these years I see him for what he is but my kids must stay with me and we can’t be homeless. They have all been through enough because I didn’t have the courage to do what I am about to do before, something i will always live with.
I know he won’t leave the home until he has to and he gets what he thinks he deserves financially, so I am trying to mentally prepare us for the long road ahead and most likely a court intervention. My father won’t be happy either, but for the first time in such a long time, we see a future to look forward to.
Sorry for such a looooooooong post, I almost feel cleansed now lol.
Any advice would so be welcomed xx -
Hello and welcome. Please don’t blame yourself for staying. These men are so controlling and good at the game they play. My advice is gather as much evidence as you can. There’s no way he’s leaving so if you have evidence of his abuse you can get a non mol order and have him removed. Get a good solicitor with experience of dealing with abusers. Get in touch with your local women’s aid for support. Don’t waste time and money on solicitors letters back and forth as he will take it to court anyway which is fine as they will tell him what he’s entitled to. You need to ignore your heart and think with your head. You deserve a peaceful life as do your children. You sound like you’re ready for the fight. Trust your gut. Go no contact as soon as possible and do not tell him your plans until you are separate. In fact I suggested a trial separation and even rented him a flat. Anything to get him out. Good luck and keep posting X
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Hi kip, thanks for your kind words. Its incredible just how manipulative these men can be. On the odd occasion that I confided in others they looked at me in disbelief because he is such a charming person around others. Because I have a professional career in the health service and can assert myself around others for patient care there is a real feel that others either don’t believe me or i t can’t be as bad as I say cos I’m in a position to leave and support the kids without him. I remember the person that I was before I met him in my teenage years. I was decisive with a real sence of identity but when I look now, I don’t even know what my hobbies, interests or even likes are anymore. Holidays were booked to please him despite me footing the bill, food bought was to his taste,despite me footing the bill. My hair, my clothes etc all to his taste just by him glancing at me in a certain way and my responding to this on an unconscious level. Its unbelievable really.
Can’t wait to be free with the kids.
Onward and upwards x -
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Hi I’m new to this forum too but your comment about not being believed as you are a confident professional women really struck a chord with me. We don’t seem to fit the stereotype of an abused woman so people just dismiss the abuse. Am glad to hear about your positive action plan – that’s how I feel too although I’m only just starting to get my plans together. Would love to know how you get on xx
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Hi there, nevertoolate.
Thanks for your post.
I’m pleased to hear that you are also making plans.it is so difficult and it took me some decades to get to this point. I have an appointment with a solici
tor coming up and will look to action my plans after that. Just hope I don’t talk myself out if it again!!
Let me know how your plans are going too, we need all the support we can get xx -
Oh my goodness, it felt like I was reading about my own ex- husband.
My advice is to do this as formally as you can, with as many professionals involved. These abusers don’t play fair, and will try to take w writhing out of anger at you leaving them. They will lie, try to gas light and make you think you are going mad- they will up the abuse. He will try to get you to agree things on your own without legal representation, it thisis o my because he wants to co tell you and the situation.
I think my ex had visions of running off with money ( he was deceitful too) and made no secret in front of the judge that he wanted me to live in a. cramped flat. He seemed to believe- in his twisted arrogance- that he could either keep the house and see us rudderless, or that we’d be forced to sell and that I would have to start over, all my years of work meaning nothing, whilst he successfully siphoned money off in hidden bank accounts. But the nasty man lost the house- I was awarded it, to bring up my kids in peace.
Hire a solicitor, get all the actual evidence you can for his financial abuse, divorce him on grounds of his unreasonable behaviour and hurry the divorce through, before he can exert any more financial abuse.
If he becomes a threat, call the National Centre for Domestic Violence and ask them to help you get an injunction and occupation order, forcing him to leave.
He will try to convince you that you don’t have a hope in hell and risk losing everything, but the courts won’t allow you and your kids to be left with nothing.
Please take good care of yourself at this point. Abusers can become more threatening if and when they know you want to leave. And as he sounds covert, he might be plotting things. Keep your eyes and ears open.
My ex is an incredibly clever abuser, an adept mental abuser ( amongst other things), adept liar, a mastermind with money, and he honestly thought he was so superior and that I was so gullible and pliable that he could get away with everything. He didn’t.
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Hi serenity, thank you so much for your advice.
I am so pleased that things worked out for you, it must have been such a terrible time.
Some of the things you mentioned such as gas lighting and plotting he has been doing for some time now.
My biggest fear is that he will fight for joint custody of my youngest , not because he wants her but because he will see this as a way of gaining as much of our home as he can. I tell myself this won’t happen because he works very irregular hours which are not conducive to good parenting but I don’t trust him at all. In the past he’s said if I leave him he will make sure I never get the kids, even see them with social services first. When the youngest was a baby until (age removed by moderator) years he stayed at home with her cos he lost his job and then quit a job saying it was because I was unwell during pregnancy. I was but had to work longer because he wasn’t working. My fears are that cos he did stay at home with her fir (detail removed by moderator) years, which was not my choice, I wanted to be at home but couldn’t, he may get viewed upon more fondly. He’s a rubbish and destructive father now whilst I’m there so I do worry so much if he managed to get joint custody.
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