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I am close to signing a rented place & leaving a long relationship & joint family home…. terrified and feel constantly sick… all the expected i suppose….
But How still…. hes always home too… ive tried talking to chat on here but was waiting a while and knowone came… plus hes always around in & out…
I can’t imagine just going with no conversation week/a day/ or an hr before….i personally feel that could cause such hatred or bad vibes at the very least esp when we will have to co parent….hes made a point of how ive left before, about me kind of just running away…then eventually coming back & promising im back for good several yrs ago (not recognising things back then though) I know that many suggest just go & it’s the most safest way, but at least with a little conflict or an argument towards the end to help me along then possibly say I can’t do this anymore & suggest a break… ??….
I need to talk this through but struggling to find the right person..
Please advise …help….
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Are you waiting for his permission to leave? For him to tell you to go because he controls all your actions? Its is so very very hard to put your self first, understand your won self worth, and push yourself out that door. Lots of people have slightly differing stories. For m, i’s start as you mean to go on. If you can leave without conflict and his knowledge that is far far better. You start off from a position of being in control. have you talked to your GP? There are lots of medications to help with fear and anxiety, controlling an out of control heart rate and racing thoughts. be kind to you and write down some of your good points and love that person. Do what is best for her..you…first and foremost. You absolutely cannot control this man or change him. you have no control as long as you are with him. People on here talk about the FOG – fear, obedience, guilt, that they create and which keeps us stuck.
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So so so grateful for your reply so quick too…very very helpful.
I agree with conflict thing, be the better person in a way and definately show that control i have, yes makes sense….but still, i cant imagine just fleeing with not a word, i feel i would forever more overthink & analyse my exit mainly bc of how itlooks and what he will say about my actions and me and then wth others too i suppose…
I obviously have deep issues re what people think of me…which seems to set me back a lot..
will check in tomorro too…i must sleep xx.
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But what do “you” think of you because that’s all that’s important here. Not him, no one else, just you.
You want a “word” from the person that abused you horribly? Seriously? You want permission from that person as to this okay that you are good with resisting and standing up to him and having your own life? You’re not going to get it. Magical thinking. The only thing you will get from him is more abuse, more circular reasoning, more gaslighting, more manipulation, more blame, more scapegoating and crazymaking. You have enough information now to compute all this. You know………who………..he is. So no wishing on your part will make the alligator to turn into a bunny rabbit. Just isn’t happening.
See the alligator. Run and never look back!
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I understand where your coming from and it’s as if you want him to horrible one last time so it gives you the right to leave him!! (Or at least that’s what my mind says to me) truth is Luke the above ladies say he isn’t ever going to be any different and will use that time to try and make you feel guilty and stay. I don’t know the official terms used but basically preying on your good nature. If you feel like this it’s proof that you want out and therefore by you giving him the opportunity to change your mind your still being controlled by him- I do understand completely as I’m there right now too. Sending love and strength to you. Xx
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Hi Ruby,
I am so on the same page as you. Exactly the same page. Because we are decent reasonable people it seems so wrong and against our natures not to say “ok, I’m going and these are the reasons why – do you have anything to add?”. The two flaws are a) that he will have plenty to add and that would take every bit of wind out of my sails and b) with abuse that is non-physical it’s not always easy to be precise about what the problem is, without dropping the pages and pages of your journal at his feet.
Quite apart from the things all the smart people above have said – why do we want/need their blessing?!!!I know that I won’t be able to leave until I have that fire in my belly that is caused by really vile behaviour from him, a hatred caused by behaviour that even he can’t deny is unacceptable. That crossing of the line. Because then I know that I won’t feel any doubt or remorse or pity. What is important is that I am absolutely ready for that moment to come so that I can… just leave. I’ve done it before. I didn’t really leave. I didn’t realise it was abuse. We had a “fight” – well, he had a fight, I took it – and I couldn’t be in the same place as him so I left but I went back a couple of hours later because I had been completely wrong footed. But I know how I felt and I know I will feel that way again.
None of that is any help to you. It’s just that I hear you. Please, please let us know how it goes x
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We lose ourselves with every little drip drip of the water torture. It’s not about the big tidal wave hitting us, or the hurricane, it’s about that one little drop that seals our fate. Because there is that place when that one drop hits and you’re just no longer able to leave because you’ve died inside. I’ve seen it happen, could almost tell you the moment when it happened with women I’ve known. One day the light was on and the next day it wasn’t.
We think sometimes that it’s going to be a loud bang but most of the time it’s just a whimper. We just give up and that’s that. We keep saying over and over, this is wrong, I am miserable, what’s wrong with him??? And then we turn the guns on ourselves and say, I’m wrong, it’s all me, I misunderstood, got it all wrong, what I can do “for him”, how can I understand him better, if only this and if only that, I’m imagining things, I’m an idiot, I’m stupid, it’s all my fault, etc. Our little self critic just goes totally nuts in our head, right? Um noooo, that would be wrong. Lies you’ve been fed, abuse that has conditioned you to think this way. Transference, scapegoating, gaslighting straight from him.
Since when do we need permission to someone who has been so thoughtless, cruel, self centered, egotistical, entitled and totally oblivious to how you are really doing and doesn’t seem to care either. Why would we need permission from someone like this in regards to our own wellbeing and our own future. It would be like me needing an important operation done on my body and I go to a back alley clinic somewhere and ask a doctor there what he thinks and will he do my surgery? Uhh….no. We have to stop going to the stagnant poisoned water and putting our cup in and expecting not to get sick from drinking it.
At any given time here, like yesterday, today, in 5 minutes from now, you already do have enough information, evidence and all you need to make up your own mind without anyone’s permission whatsoever. Since when are you not intelligent. I see nothing but intelligence here. I see woundedness, I see exhaustion, I see hopelessness, I see ignorance about your own rights as a human being, I see a prisoner that actually really wants to be free. The key to your lock is in your hand, it really is. It’s just you are thinking more about how this other person feels and what they want and need as if they were your lord and master and they aren’t. You are. We teach people how to treat us and if we assume the position of being someone’s slave then people without a conscience will say – Oh okay! Fine by me!
You have to peel yourself away from your abuser and realize there are two people here, not one. Two. Two totally different people, who want different things, who think differently, feel differently, treat people differently and really aren’t complimenting each other at all. When one abuses, there is no love. If the abuser never, on his own, takes responsibility for that as in “on the spot” or quickly thereafter then again – there is no love. Love doesn’t do that. And words don’t count. Only actions speak.
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I know it’s hard but leaving suddenly means that you’re in control and calling the shots , not him. Not an easy place to be if you always look to him for ‘permission’ to do things. But if you have things set up like somewhere to rent then I’d just go at some point when he’s out. Leave a note if you need to just to say you’ve gone and this is the end.
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Lottieblue
So where are you at?I’m committed wth regards I’ve put so much of my stuff subtly & in drips in storage all over, I’ve got friends help, some childcare help, financial help, everything in place, new appliances & furniture in hand…..
Also I totally get you are waiting for that vile behaviour to really help you go….. my time span is about 2 weeks away give or take depending on stuff, I won’t necessarily get a real vile behaviour, (or it probably is vile if someone else witnessed it and opened my eyes even more)… but what I am getting already in the last couple of days and most of the week are enough snippets of disrespectful words directed at me and some passive aggressive digs & gross verbal behaviour towards child that now ive learnt is scapegoating stuff too.
I write down these incidents daily…but tbh I only feel that raw emotion in the moment it’s happening and feel the fire in my belly and just want to say stuff the marriage, I’m not living this way with you any longer… but child is always there and it’s tea time often lol… I’m trying to keep the peace and not bite back to things like ‘You’ve got an answer for everything haven’t ya’
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this is the hard part love but try to be pragmatic. we always wait (well i did) until things escalate to say goodbye im off. this often leads to caos and you dont want your child remembering this if you have to call the police or there is a big scene. can you leave when he is out? if he dosent go out then id arrange for a plain clothed police officer to be there when you do. remember this is a crime domestic abuse whether its verbal / emotinal / physical there is no excuse. darlin you cant co-parent with him the way he is treating your son is awful and it will leave an indelable mark. so get a plan ready u have to think off you guys. take a deep breath and get back up to leave dont dont do this alone xx love diymum
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I’ve put all my everything energy this year plus into doing it and how etc…. although I have constantly thought about him being daddy still and that happening without me around is always on my mind…. but where do I get proper advice about what’s acceptable & the level of anything that might or might not be directed at child???
So what…? I leave (one huge crazy thing to land in his life) he’s already possibly going to be vulnerable, feeling abandonment, with this then out of the blue I say oh and you’re not daddy to child anymore …. 😔🤷♀️🤷♀️
I know what you are saying, obviously child is priority, but only I know what he’s like, and on what level…. what if he’s ok with a little contact that’s controlled, ??… I definitely need help here don’t I… -
I think what you have to do is read around this first. Once it sinks in that your child will be damaged you’ll be determined. The experience I have is my eldest witnessed me being verbally abused (not physically) she turned on me – I’m a pretty good upstanding woman and this happened to me xx our relationship was broken by domestic abuse. It’s rife in these cases. I know u feel this is a huge move but he has brought you to this – in his actions xx verbally abusing u infront of your child is enough evidence xx hope I don’t sound harsh 😘xx love diymum
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