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I’m just dead inside, I have nothing left to give. After years of gaslighting my nerves are shot to pieces and I’m just a depressed wreck at the moment. I’m normally a domestic goddess at Christmas, having all the family round making lots of food and following the last row where I fell out with his mother too I’ve got nothing. I’m leaving ASAP but what if I never get better? What if this hysterical, highly strung, emotional mess is who I am? What kind of awful mother am I for taking to me bed and crying rather than rolling up my sleeves and making a magical Christmas for my children. He ties my head up in knots and I can’t see how my jumbled brain will ever untangle
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Healing from Hidden Abuse, a journey through the stages.
That’s the book I’m reading just now and I strongly advise you to take a look. You will see what stage you are and and the stages to follow and will see yourself work through each of them. What you’re feeling is normal for someone being abused. No energy because of how you feel helpless in the face of his abuse. Living with the Dominator is another good book. It’s not you. It’s your environment/him that’s destroying you x
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I just want to tell you, you are still a goddess, it’s your abuser trying to brainwash you that you’re not, he’s wearing you out, draining your every ounce of energy so that you’ll fall down, below ground to join him in hell on his level where can abuse you, control you, have you under his power. That’s not your place. It’s his alone.
You’ll see that once free, step by step you’ll get back your inner goddess, you’ll bounce back!
Get plenty of rest for now, being abused is tiring. Keep hydrated too. And take deep breaths.
And also, your children won’t care much about a well organised dinner, compensate with hugs and chill relax times together with them, they’ll appreciate it even more 🙂
Sending you hugs 💕 -
I want out so much now, I had to get there in my own time and friends have begged me for years but I had to get there in my own time. The gaslighting has been so traumatic, I’m constantly being told I said things when I know in my heart I didn’t say it and then my head gets so jumbled with thoughts like did I say that? He seems adamant I did? I must of said it? Why did I say that and not remember? Then I get really muddled as he shouts liar at me. Maybe I do say things and not remember, I think that happens now as I do get confused and forgetful and sometimes I think he’s so adamant he’s right he must of miss heard me because no one would purposely do this to someone.
I feel I’m in a mental carousel and I just want to get off -
This is so typical of being abused. You’re traumatised and your head space is taken up dealing with his abuse leaving little space for rational thought. It kept me trapped for decades. That’s why you need to be free from the abuse to see the real picture. Google trauma bonding. Cognitive dissonance. Gaslighting. Another great one I found was plausible deniability. They always seem to have an excuse. You deserve so much more x
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Trauma bonding has really hit home. I really need a better day today, suppose I’m just shell shocked as this is the first time I’ve realised the relationship is over, it’s like a bereavement and I’m devastated that now the whole family is fractured as all though it was stressful it was work the tears and trauma to see my children’s faces Christmas Eve with their parents and grandparents sat round the table and excited at Santa coming. All that’s gone.
Trying to picture my new life of having who I want when I want round for dinner and not having to jump through hoops or walk on egg shells or cancel last minute. -
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