I’m ruining my new relationship

[Ariel]

My new relationship hasn’t been great on both our sides. It’s been a couple of years though but still feels new because of Covid restrictions but we live together.
I broke the trust at the beginning and he broke it back basically.
Now he’s gone out tonight and I’ve turned into my ex, I’ve got the ump because he’s not home, I don’t trust what he’s telling me is true although deep down I think I do. I can’t settle until he’s home.
I feel like now I am turning into that moody, controlling, fun ruining person.
I think for both our sakes this relationship has to end. I can’t bear the thought of him with someone else it literally makes me feel sick. But we can’t carry on like this.
We’ve talked so much through and sort it out then literally a couple of days later I feel miserable again. I can’t see a way past it now.
I’ve ruined his night by getting the ump with him.

[Twisted Sister]

Hi Ariel

sorry to hear this, it sounds awful for you both, but it also sounds like you are both open and honest about how you are feeling. Theres so much to manage after abuse, to recover from, truly get over to feel free to be in an intimate relationship again, so don’t be hard on yourself, but it doesn’t sound like its worth continuing whilst you are both struggling like this.

I don’t know how post-abuse anyone can go straight into a relationship and not encounter these kind of issues, but then everyone is so different.

Maybe having relationship therapy could help? Is that something you might consider as it does seem to be overwhelming and perhaps could benefit from the input of a professional third party to talk issues through with?

It may just be possible also, that this is a part of the new relationship pain that you will need to go through as part of learning to trust again? Its good you recognise it, are being honest about your own feelings and owning them, this isn’t the same as being an abuser who will not acknowledge or recognise the impact of their own actions.

What is it about him going out that is tying you up so?

warmest wishes

ts

[Mellow]

It sounds like it has become toxic from the beginning it will only get more toxic I would break it off and focus on yourself for a while perhaps seek therapy

[Ariel]

Thankyou, yes we both talk about our feelings he insists on that to be honest. As at first I couldn’t say anything due to the last relationship.
I just don’t trust him that he’s not going to talk to other women because he did it once, declaring his love for someone significant.
I need to see what he says today. But he knows now that I don’t know if I can ever get past it and trust him again.
There’s so much that has gone on in our short time. We literally have amazing sex but that worries me now because I read a few times that in toxic relationships the sex can be extremely intense. So it’s probably not a normal relationship trait.

[Twisted Sister]

Oh Ariel sorry to hear this. You know foryourself whats best, and it does sound like you have both broken trust, you don’t have to trust him again after that, as he’s already proved untrustworthy, and you the same for him maybe.

I wouldn’t agree about the sex, people in great relationships can have great sex, be very compatible sexually.

Your relationship does sound like its on very sinking sand though, its a lot to come back from especially when you’ve already suffered abuse. I don’t think I could trust again after that tbh. Maybe you are expecting too much of yourself to be able to get over such a huge betrayal? You don’t have to.

warmest wishes

ts

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