I’m scared and lonely

[BabyBird]

When I first met my partner he was an alcoholic, he used to say horrible things to me, endlessly message and ring me, go through my phone take photos of my messages with other people and put them in group chats with his friends. He would humiliate me in public, call me names, speak about me loudly to my friends and colleagues, make nasty comments about having sex with me infront of other men to put them off me. Then it was pushing, throwing drinks over me, spitting at me, saying horrible things about me infront of my child. I said he had to stop drinking in order for us to work as the problems always happened when he was drunk or hungover. He agreed to stop drinking but then had the attitude that the occasional one wouldn’t be a big deal. But that made the times he would drink even more explosive. He has kicked a car door into me, choked me, slapped me, hit me in the face, in the ribs, when I have tried to escape he has dragged me back kicking and screaming. He throws every item to hand at me. Smashed up my house, broken (removed by moderator) things. He has pushed me to the floor so hard I have banged my head and I knew he knew it was hard enough to knock me out so when I hit the floor I didn’t react, I just lay there like I was unconscious. He just walked out the front door and back to the pub.
He constantly wants take aways which has caused me to put on a lot of weight, so now I get called fat … and you can insert your own swear word there because he has used them all. When I say right I am starting a diet and going to the gym he will make comments about how it is putting him out (removed by moderator) but then as soon as he gets angry he comes right back to calling me fat. He will ask me if I’m hungry I will say no and a take away will arrive just for me not for him, it’s like he wants me stay fat so no one else will want me. After all these times he cries and sobs and says it’s not him it’s the alcohol and for a long time I believed that too but when sober he flies off the handle for the most minor things. He once split up with me for not (removed by moderator) whilst I was flustered, another for asking what he wanted for dinner in the wrong tone of voice, that time he locked me out the house in the garden, he said he did because if I was capable of being stressed about making dinner then I am capable of anything and (removed by moderator), he wouldn’t let me back in and my son was inside, I screamed so loud he let me back in, my son was crying (removed by moderator) he was so scared. Every single thing I do is wrong. He says he will stay sober but every month without fail he drinks and almost every time he is violent unless I am not there then he will start fights with strangers. Once after smashing up my house he (removed by moderator), I think that one hurt the most, I felt so degraded, it was a huge low point for me. I had a miscarriage and he went out drinking with his friend that day because he said (removed by moderator), the next day he asked why I was being off and I said it was me that needed you and he said I shouldn’t dwell on it (the miscarriage) even though it was only the next day.
He constantly splits up with me or says he wants to leave me but never does. He says that one day he will end up killing me and I think he is right. He tells me how awful it is being with me because one day I am happy and the next day I am sad and that me being that way is emotional abuse and that I am abusing him.
I have no friends because he finds an issue with everyone of them or constantly messages me when I’m out. I have been isolated from my family and I feel that I am all alone. He goes through my phone when I am asleep. Once an old friend messaged me asking if I would like to go on a date and I said no sorry I have boyfriend and he was furious at me screaming at me that I allowed someone to message me that in the first place even though it’s out of my control.
If I ever spend any money he constantly asks me how much, always needs to know what everything costs even though our money is completely separate. He pays me rent but sometimes refuses because i “don’t deserve” it. He never has any money but earns a grand a month, he constantly tries to get me to get loans out for him and not for small amounts for about (removed by moderator) I always refuse. He will cry and sob saying that he needs the money then later that evening Hel start ordering s**t he doesn’t need. I don’t know where his money goes, I think he is gambling or maybe he is just trying to scam me.
Sometimes I am so scared he will kill me in my sleep, I lie awake till he has nodded off and sneak downstairs so that maybe if he does get angry he will have calmed down a bit before he gets to me. I am never beaten mostly just ragged about. He rarely leaves bruises which makes me think it is planned.
I am scared and I know I am not safe. I am ashamed that I have allowed this to happen. I have been such a confident and independent person till now.
He has now said he is leaving and will be moving out (removed by moderator) he says being with me makes him want to kill himself. That he hates me and that having a child with me would be the worst thing to ever happen to him but (removed by moderator) ago sobbed and sobbed when he had once again got drunk and I said I can’t do it anymore. Saying that we are a family and this is home and that he wants to try for a baby. Iv said I will rent somewhere (removed by moderator) till he is gone but he says how could I leave him all alone even though he wants to leave to be alone. When he moves out I don’t think it will stop, he tells people that I am crazy and that we are as bad as each other to discredit me if I tell the truth. He tells me I don’t deserve to be a mother, that I am deluded, mentally ill, a psycho that I am a fat s**g or a fat b***h.
It is constant threats and constant insults.
He will be the kindest man for a month and it will be like all my dreams have come true but then it will be a month of hell and sometimes it hurts so much I want to die.
I don’t think he loves me and I don’t think anyone ever has.
Am I being dramatic or is this abuse ?

[BabyBird]

So sorry this is such a long post, just had a lot to get off my chest.

[Lisa]

Hi BabyBird,

First, welcome to the forum.

I’m sorry to hear of all that you have been through in this relationship. It most certainly is abusive, and his behaviour puts you at risk. You are not being dramatic at all; you have been managing very toxic, volatile, coercive, controlling behaviour for quite some time and no one ever deserves such treatment. His alcohol is also not the cause of it; he is choosing to behave this way.

In fact, the way he treats you is illegal and he could be arrested for it. You have made a positive step forward in just coming here today, sharing your story. Many women here will be able to relate and hopefully come forward soon, validating for you, that you are in a very toxic and unsafe environment and that there is help out there for you.

It’s always good to engage with your local domestic abuse service, where a worker can provide on-going emotional and practical help and advice. They can go over all your options, to ensure you can live a happier, safer life, free from abuse.

You can always use the Live Chat service when it’s safe, to start getting an idea of the help available and get that validation and assurance to trust your gut and start prioritising yourself in all this.

Do keep posting here, you are not alone.

Take care,

Lisa

[BabyBird]

He is moving out (detail removed by Moderator), I wish I had been enough for him to change. I am so beyond lonely, this hurts more than the abuse which I know is so wrong.

[Allornothing]

Hi BabyBird, although you may be struggling now, he needs to go before any further harm is done. I am sure others here will agree that once that initial step is made, the pain eases and you will start to become a much stronger person, anything is better than what he has put you through. Yourself and your child are most important. I do hope you reach out to the services offered as they are amazing, tighten boundaries, block him, change the locks. I know sometimes this is easier said than done, but please reach out, you deserve better than this. Sending you lots of love xx

[BabyBird]

Hi Allornothing

I know it has to be over but even now he is saying that everything is my fault and that I can’t keep playing the abuse card when he hasn’t laid his hands on me in (detail removed by Moderator) months.
Even now I still feel like I am trying to earn his approval and get him to care about me. He’s telling me how much he hates me and how it’s my personality and that he can’t stand me.
I forgave him so many times and in the end it’s him who hates me.
I feel so heartbroken and because I lost all my friends and most of my family I am all alone. I wish there was support groups for things like this where I could meet other people who feel like this and not be so alone 🙁

[Sad and alone]

BabyBird reading this has me in tears. I am so sorry, it sounds so awful. All I can say is if he is moving out, let him go. You have one life and you don’t have to spend it trying to fix him. Once he’s gone you are going to have so much less stress and you’ll be able to rebuild your life, find new friends. I am pretty sure there are local support group that you can utilise as well. If he’s going it’s a gift – don’t let him back in.

[Lightning-Jet]

Hi Babybird, my heart breaks reading this; what you have been subjected to is absolutely terrible. What a nasty piece of work!
Alcohol is never an excuse – they know exactly what they are doing. When he is losing control and starts to lash out – he is purposely not wanting to leave any physical marks on you, as this is evidence and also he has a public image which he wants to protect.
With the name calling and the takeaways; he wants you to feel as low as he does. He wants to think that you aren’t attractive to anyone else. He doesn’t want anyone else to even glance in your direction – he is insanely jealous. In his mind, someone looking at you – means you’re having an affair. Totally unreasonable, unjustified, unnecessary behaviour.
He will have an issue with all of your friends and family; because he will be petrified that he will be exposed for what he is.
I know from experience, whenever I go anywhere, I will get messages, phone calls asking where I am, when I am going to be back. Its not out of love, its because of control. He wants to know who I am with. He will even, when I get home, then go drinking with his mates because he knows I am away from everyone else and he can see on the security camera if I have gone out or if anyone has turned up. He has even listened in via the camera before when I have been at home to see if I am talking to anyone. Its absolutely ridiculous.

Sorry, back to you Babybird, I hope that he does leave without causing any further issues, but you need support in place for sure. If anything else happens, I would consider logging it with the police, or if you feel intimidated and at risk, call them immediately.
It is a really scary prospect being alone; its all part of the trauma bonding; you can’t live with them, but you feel you can’t live without them either. You can absolutely live without him!
You will have low points and high points. But; I try to look on situations as if it was a close friend going through it and what I would advise them. During the lows you may feel like you want him back; but when you look at everything he has put you through, why would you want that again? You will get through the low period and your life will be so much better in time. I know that I need to take my own advice as well, as I am still not away from mine.
He will already be telling people that you are the issue, he will be telling many lies; again all he will be thinking about is protecting his image. He knows what he does, he knows its wrong and against the law. I know its hard, but those he is bad mouthing you to, if they believe it, more fool them – and they aren’t worth worrying about. You know the truth, he knows but won’t admit the truth.

Going no contact is the best option, as hard as it is. But with what you have been subjected to; I would definitely make sure you have support in place to help you every step of the way.

One last thing – it is absolutely not you; do not blame yourself. You are not being dramatic at all; you have been subjected to terrible abuse. But, you are a survivor! Take care xx

[BabyBird]

Hi all, firstly I would like to thank you all so much for your replies. You guys are the reason I am now FREE !
He has moved out and I have completely ignored him. Acted like he doesn’t exist.

I feel like I am human again, I can’t even begin to explain how free I feel. I look in the mirror and I see how strong and beautiful I am. I have escaped and my only regret is that I didn’t do it sooner.

I have joined a gym, got a personal trainer and dyed my hair blonde. I cannot believe how much support I have had, how many colleagues, friends and family have supported me.

I feel like I can breathe again and I am NOT scared. It feels so amazing to not be scared anymore.

Thank you all, you saved my life.

[Author]

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