I'm shutting down and I can't stop it

[hop]

I’m not sure I can carry on any more. I need total solitude and no noise. My youngest is hurting me and being generally abusive and it’s constant when he’s here. School’s involved because it’s spilling over now. My ex went there over allegations (about me) so once again I had to go into school and tell them deeply private things about my private medical stuff because he’d raised a safeguarding issue. I’ve got a big celebration coming up and the stuff from my childhood has fully dawned on me in the past few weeks and my mind has just shut down again. I can’t recall any memories and my dad…. It feels like he never existed. I can’t deal with this. And all people keep saying is “but you are dealing with it” I’m really not. I feel like total s**t all the time because I’m surpressing sensations I’m getting below my waist. I feel like a monster.

[littledove]

I’m so sorry. I really don’t have experience with the ex with the children.

Do you have anyone close to you that you can trust to talk to about everything going on? You sound as though you are in a critical state of depression. I recommend you phoning Samaritans helpline on 116 123

Are you seeing women’s aid? If not put on an urgent appointment with your local organisation. They are so supportive with women and children and they can give advice on how to help your youngest. I think there’s a ‘you and me, mum’ programme.

Please don’t suffer alone, there’s so many people who can help you.
Please keep fighting and keep going on. Sending big hugs.

[iliketea]

I have zero knowledge on this but just wanted to say we’re here, hearing, listening. Sounds like PTSD, can you speak to your GP urgently in the morning? Sending you so much strength. This will pass, it is the only certainty in life, things do change, it will get better. You will be ok. I promise. What professional help have you already got? Is there any way you can get some time out or respite from your daughter? Could she stay with grandparents maybe? Sounds like you need a break. Be kind to yourself. These are not small things. Have you got a therapist you could talk to? Or could you arrange if you havent? Can you switch off tonight, put something else into your mind? Listen to music, watch c**p on Netflix? Hot milky drink and carbs will help you sleep. Sending a virtual hug. It will be ok. This will get better. Xx

[Soulsearcher18]

This is great advice above, I’ve heard someone on here recommend Samaritans when in crisis. You definitely need help and support asap.
GP support is going to be really important too, perhaps medication if you haven’t got it already.
I don’t know what support you have around you to help you with your little one but definitely calling on any family, or friends for support with this if you can. If this isn’t available, you mentioned that your little one is in school- are they attending at the moment? If not, you could enquire if they can return for the next few weeks.

This is just a thought and a possible suggestion but I obviously don’t know lots of details so this is only if you feel it applies: I don’t know how old your little one is and I’m no expert but sometimes talking with them about how you are feeling helps to reassure them that it is not them, that you are there for them but just not feeling so well at the moment but that you realise this and they you are going to get help and it can reassure them that you are going to be ok. Sometimes they pick up on things when you’re not feeling so great and they worry and this can come out as anxiousness and anxiousness can come out as tears, or physically like hitting. You don’t have to give great detail but just say that you haven’t been feeling well and things they might have noticed and just reassure them that you are going to get some help and that it will be ok and you wanted to let them know that and to reassure them.

You mentioned that your little one gets like this when ‘he’s here’- I’m not sure if you meant your ex, or when your little one is home. If it is when your ex is around, I firstly wondered why is your ex in your space? I then thought, why is this behaviour coming about? Is it because he is undermining your parenting, is it because you feel anxious when your ex is around?

I’m so sorry that you’re feeling like this, I hope Braelynn picks up on this post- I think that her advice would be good and that she’d be a good person for you to hear from.

Please keep posting to let us know how you are getting on when you feel up to it.

Take care

Soulsearcher

[Soulsearcher18]

A Survivor Freedomfries01, you are a beautiful Survivor- always xx

[Whodat]

Hi freedom fries. Firstly, what you are feeling physically is not uncommon. Many abuse victims climax at the time of abuse, and have feelings of arousal later, your body doesn’t register what the mind does, and many people who have been abused have complicated feelings around this. Please please don’t feel ashamed or like there is something wrong with you. This is a really complicated issue, your mind rewires following abuse, as a coping mechanism and due to various bodily chemicals. please speak to a therapist who specialises in either childhood trauma or sexual abuse. In relation to s******g down I think you are overwhelmed, there’s a lot going on here, a lot to deal with daily and a lot of stuff from the past to process. Can you write down what you are feeling as you experience it? Are you able to force your attention away e.g the colour ofnthe sky, the temp, focusing on what is around you Right now. Remember you have done nothing wrong. Your response to an extremely traumatic event is actually relatively normally and not uncommon. there are many people experiencing the same right now, you are not alone and there is nothing wrong with you. You just need time and space to process traumatic events from your past. Normal!!

[Author]

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