I'm sick of this.

[Thisisme]

I can’t f*****g stand this, I can’t stop crying today. It’s been weeks since I split with him and today is the first time I really miss him. I’ve looked at his photos and my god he is gorgeous, him holding and playing with my daughter still melts my heart. I miss him so much, why did he have to hurt me? Why did he have to be so bad to me? I know me and my daughter are safe now and the stress has gone but my life feels so f*****g empty. I have friends, I’m busy most of the time but it just feels blank. I miss having someone to come home to, someone to share life with, someone to hold me. I’m so tired of having to be strong all the time, I just want to be held.

[KIP.]

Hi, I’ve been where you are and now am much further down the road to recovery. Our minds play tricks with us, it pushes the nasty vile abuse we suffered to the back and brings good memories because facing the truth is too painful. Ask yourself deep down, would he really hold you and make you feel better, and if he would, how long would that last for. We forget that the reason we are needing held, is actually caused by their abuse. Yet we go back to our abuser for comfort. It’s brainwashing dysfunctional behaviour. It’s like a drug. To withdraw you have to avoid all contact with that drug. Looking at photos or anything to do with him is going to cause you anguish and confusion. He has proven that he cannot look after you, so you must now look after yourself. I understand the pain as you are grieving for a relationship but these feelings will pass. I used to think my ex was gorgeous. I look back at photos now and he is nothing special. An overweight balding middle aged man. It’s the abuse that tricks our minds. The real him is a nasty self serving individual who will suck the life from you. Keep moving forward and avoid anything to do with him. It will get better, you will recover, you will move on and and wonder what on earth you ever saw in him. Stay strong x

[Serenity]

It is trauma-bonding that clouds things and makes us think of them as irresistible.

I watched a video on YouTube about abuse, and it said how we think that everyone else sees them as we do, but in fact they don’t- it’s our trauma-bonding that ignites such strong feelings ( though some people might be fooled by them superficially ).

I think it’s also because these abusers are so good at coming across to us as confident, never admit wrongdoing- so we doubt our own perceptions. It’s the horrible bonding which occurs due to gas lighting ( their lies and denial).

My ex used to make out that he was so popular out there, that I was wrong to have any complaints, but they only give you half he story: they hide from you the many situations where they have been criticised by others or told off for their ways of behaving. They rely upon looking blameless in order to keep us- and we believe that mask of perfection, going down the route of self blame ( it must be me- I must have provoked the abuse, etc).

When divorcing my ex, I had to do some detective work on the finances, and I found a trail of people who all said that they didn’t like or trust my ex. He would never had told me about these things, as he relied upon me believing he was a person of quality.

This week, I heard some news which has really helped me along the road of healing. Mybex used to go out all the time in the evenings to follow his hobby. He even went when I needed him at home, refusing to sacrifice it for me. There was a certain couple whose house he always went to.

This week, a relative spoke to someone who knew this couple very well and told my relative that this couple had to tell my ex to stop going over there, because he went too much and was infringing upon their family life. My ex would never have told me that. He wanted to make out to me that he was irresistible to everyone!

It helps me to think of these abusers as pretty parcels: they might look nice from the outside, but inside, all there is is swarming maggots, or something equally as unsavoury. They might look nice on the outside, but what’s inside is pretty hideous.

You deserve someone who is kind and honest and treats you – and other people- with respect. Being with someone who is abusive is traumatising and ruins you eventually, if you stay x

[Peaceful Pig]

I find that even after all this time I suddenly remember the occasional nice things he said or did. I can count them on one hand though we were together over two decades. I cherished each memory like a precious jewel and clung to them out of desperate hope. In reality these were just crumbs of affection designed to control me. In a loving relationship these moments would be the norm. My perception of him continues to change still, I’m sure he gets smaller every time I see him! Your mind is trying to protect you but in time you’ll see him the way he really is. Hang on in there xx

[Nova]

Thisisme…its such a hell hole. I’m with you…half the time God knows where I am the other half atm.
Seriously I know sometimes I could cry my heart & soul out I’m not sure for who what when what or why..I do not know anymore, because tears are wasted on that past as you know what…
I tried, you did too, we all did collectively that’s a lot of love..going to waste.

there was so much falseness, so many promises…problems and no solutions…I have to shake myself and think… really what do you think your going back to hun?

its tough AND it cant be any worse than being in that emptiness being alone in a couple is the WORST.

have faith in yourself xC

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