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I’m scared I’ve turned into just a horrible angry abuser myself! I don’t have any patience anymore, I’m angry at myself and little things that would never in a million years have bothered me now I don’t seem to be able to cope. I don’t know how to manage this anger that I’ve got for him! But it scares me that because I’m now angry at him- does that make me as bad as him
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You probably have developed PTSD after what you have been through. This is no surprise. Please stop blaming yourself. None of this is your fault. It is the others who are at fault: the abuser and everybody who let you down.
You need to speak to your GP. Maybe it helps to tell them in which direction you develop. Tell them that the violence you experience makes you very angry, the helplessness and lack of support will make you switch. Maybe they see the urgency to help you now. -
Yes- sounds like PTSD.
PTSD typically comes on a few weeks after a distressing event or period of abuse.
My mantra was to try to tell myself under react rather than over react to things. I could tell I was especially anxious and impatient, and wanted to make sure I controlled my reactions as much as I possibly could. Reading about DBT has helped me.
Keep on talking and asking for help. PTSD needs working through.
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Anger is also a completely natural stage of grief and it can be healthy to allow yourself to feel it (in a safe way). I used to go to the gym when it was quiet to use the punchbag and just let it all out with tears streaming down my face! I must warn you that its really hard to blow your nose with boxing gloves on 😉 Screaming whilst on quiet country roads in the car was also helpful x*x
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Haha I will scream in the car that sounds like a good plan.
I just didn’t even consider ptsd as being a possibility… I’ve only ever heard about it on tv programs with people who have been at war or witnessed something horrible… Reading about it now though- the Hyperarousal sounds very familiar. I read about fight or flight… I’ve been on constant guard for years trying not to put a foot wrong. It’s been exhausting! And now I do notice triggers… Any time people ask me to make choices and I panic, if I don’t have routine or structure I feel so stressed. There’s builders at my house at the moment and the mess is sending me mad… I know it’s all for a good reason but I’m back to feeling I have no escape -
When I went through my anger/rage phase due to being abused badly I used to use the feelings ‘to attack’ my bathroom and clean the grout of the tiles although if you have builders in there might be no point. Anger gives a great energy which can be used to clean the house or sort out the garden.
I would also pound my pavements for an hour at a time muttering under my breath’I feel sooo angry!.’ So at least I got something out of my rage, a lovely toned body. Which I can thank my abuser for..NOT.
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