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Hi, this is my first post so bear with me!
I’ve just left my husband after a (time frame removed by moderator) relationship.
The first year was pretty good. Looking back there were a few alarm bells- him being moody because I laughed too much with other people one evening for example.
The first big thing was when I had some friends round for an evening. I didn’t text him enough. The following day, he was round and I asked him to help me put a fresh duvet cover on my bed- this all made him think I’d cheated on him.
Over the years he has openly admitted that he doesn’t trust me. Although he has never directly told me what to do or what not to do, I have felt controlled by him. I would do something and he would get moody or angry. I would be angry that whatever I had done had even been a problem but he would always make me doubt myself- was I being selfish?
So it all came to a head recently because I had to go away with a work colleague and he wasn’t happy at all- started accusing me of having an affair etc
There have been many times where I have said I’d had enough and couldn’t be in the relationship anymore. We would agree to separate and then somehow just bumble along. He would always ask me a day or so later, who I’d told. I’d never told anyone because I didn’t want my family to be upset with him because I knew I wouldn’t really leave.
So this time I told people. I told my siblings and my parents. I told them about all the things that had been happening (which are way too many to write here).
I went and looked at a place to rent and signed and have moved in.
It had to happen quickly because I knew if I stayed, he would persuade me to give things another go.
He has mentioned having counselling before but since all this he has actually been seeing a counsellor.
We are having regular contact because we have a valid together. Everytime I see him he is trying to persuade me to give him a chance. I’ve given him a thousand chances.
He says he never saw his behaviour as controlling. That he saw them as individual occurrences and didn’t think about how it all would make me feel. But that he sees that now and it won’t happen anymore.
I have always struggled to believe that he was doing it on purpose to control me. But in the end, I decided it didn’t matter if it was on purpose because the consequence was the same.
It was really hard to leave. It was really hard to break his heart. But he keeps on and on and on, and I feel like I’m having to do that everyday still.
He has always been insecure in our relationship. Everything is a reflection on our relationship: me reading a lot, can’t just be about it being a good book- there must be something wrong. Me wanting to go to bed early, can’t just be about me being tired! I must find him unattractive!
It was endless and tiring and I was constantly waiting for the next ‘problem’
I have 2 children from a previous relationship and they have been like different kids since we’ve moved out. I think everyone of us was treading on eggshells, trying to work out his rules etc
Since I have moved out, I feel a sense of relief. When I am not with him, I know that I’ve done the right thing. But when I’m with him I feel so sorry for him. And it’s so hard to keep telling him there isn’t a chance but I feel like he’ll never stop asking!
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Your post brings back so many memories of my relationship, especially the part about feeling controlled even though he never directly told me what to do or what not to do. It was always his response to things that put me on edge, especially if I went out with friends or didn’t give him enough attention.
You’ve done the right thing by telling people and moving out. He’ll try and convince you to take him back but if he was really going to change he would have by now. If he was serious about dealing with his insecurities and issues he would’ve taken the initiative to get help instead of waiting for you to take the steps you have.
Hold onto that sense of relief, it’s your body telling you that you did the right thing. It’s normal to feel sorry for him but it’s not your job to take him back and endure the emotional abuse.
Sending you lots of support, you’re stronger than you think.
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Thank you for your reply!
It feels weird how much I seem to need validation from others but it helps so much.
I think i thought the hardest part was over when I moved out. I have been so surprised at how persistent he has been.
I will hold on to that feeling of relief- thank you. I moved out because I knew he wouldn’t and because I wanted to be able to live somewhere he couldn’t just walk into. It feels like a sanctuary. For something to feel this right it must have been the right decision!
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