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My life has got to a place where I’m afraid to say anything unless he starts the conversation and even then it’s mainly to blame me for everything and anything . He’s ignoring me anytime I mention my feelings or any issues we have as a couple , or he’ll say I’m nagging and having a go at him . He’s not worked this year and won’t even look for a job , I’m working to pay everything yet he complains we don’t have enough money. This has been getting worse for years and now he’s saying it’s because he’s depressed. I’m bending myself backwards to do everything to please him but it’s never enough but is he right that it’s because I do everything wrong and that justifies him shouting and kicking off? Or is he abusive towards me , I’m so confused as to what’s going on
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Hello
I’m not sure I understand what you mean by ‘is it him or me?’
You bend over backwards to please him, bring home the bacon, are unable to discuss how you feel.
He, however, calls you a nag, ignores you, expects your support for his ‘depression’, is ungrateful for your financial support, shouts and kicks off.
You say it’s got worse over the years. In what way? Maybe it’s abuse. Maybe not. Whatever it is, it’s not fair and you don’t have to put up with it if you’d rather not. You don’t have to put his happiness above your own. You’re not responsible for him and how he feels. Particularly as he makes it clear he doesn’t care a jot for yours.
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I do understand to be honest …the blame thing. Sry if tmi but these are my thoughts on this:
Have spoken to ex boss wife who married to depressed person blamed everything on her. In her case she did not believe him for a minute – had confidence in own values. She said dont engage of course! She admitted that she did take the bait a couple of times. She had small children and had to wait till they could support themselves until she could divorce. She does not regret it. She blames him for putting it all on her.
In my case, I believed him. He has bad temper aka verbally abusive and enjoys setting off a row I think cos he enjoys the game and thinks he has nothing to lose and everything to gain in a divorce settlement.
He doesnt believe in kindness or forgiving the sinner – except if it’s him. I let him define my reality. And so I am provoked when he does it – and instead of retreating I take the bait. I can only clear up my side of the road. I can admit my mistakes – I can become aware of how I’m feeling and whether I myself are verbally abusive ie shout, mimic, lie maliciously or name-call.
For me, these are deal breakers. Other things have grey areas and are unpleasant. Perfection is not an option for any human. I have been listening to thom rutledge and dr allen berger podcasts and there are some brilliant ones by a female podcaster on how to deal with n********m … includes us behaving in n**c ways … becoming aware of this … also includes about not retaliating with verbal abuse – which is dangerous even if we might think it fair – life is not fair. it will not be productive and we could reasonably be found abusive if only our behaviour is seen eg by police, neighbours irrespective of his actions.
Shouting for help is ok – swearing at the fridge is irritating haha yes but the olive juice ran down my trousers … but husband then calling it verbal abuse as he did and frightened me across a small table shouting ‘[insert banned word]’ so neighbours can here is provoking and abusive. No point engaging at this point haha can you relate?
The bait. I am here alone. Communication only as necessary prior to and after divorce agreement – live my own life now – otherwise war of attrition i think they call it. Dont expect anything to change – manage own emotions best I can. Hope this helps – helps me so thanks for this thread Red … its bloomin hard innit.
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Anytime there’s any disagreement or just that he hasn’t liked what I’ve said he will say it’s all my fault , that’s what I mean by is it me being all these things he says ? Like I’m crazy, I’m lazy, I only think of myself etc ? Or am I actually trying my hardest to do everything and he just hates me?
I suffer with my mental health and he doesn’t care one bit but I’m to accept his depression makes him ignore me when I’m talking about things, or his depression means he won’t work etc but also accept he’s absolutely fine around his friends, has hobbies etc just seems to be any responsibility at all he goes and gets angry about then turns it into a conversation about what I’ve done wrong . He literally does nothing , I shop, pay bills, organise medical stuff, look after his daughter when she stays, do the housework ( except when he does the dishes to complain how easy it is to wash them and that I’m wasting electricity by using the dishwasher after a day at work then cooking tea ) . I’m so unhappy but I feel I can’t leave because he would lose the house, not sort his medical needs and not bother with his daughter. The guilt would eat me up -
Hi Red,
Somehow you’ve fallen into his trap of being made to feel responsible to him. You already see that he can modify his behaviour with everyone else and only saves his derision and nastiness for you.
If he really is clinically depressed, what has he done to get a diagnosis? And what is he doing to manage and, perhaps, cure it? It sounds very much like a Get Out of Jail Free card.
The trap he’s built around you means you’re working to sustain his lifestyle. There’s nothing in what you describe that benefits you. It’s not your place to care whether he loses the house or contact with his child. You know his parents won’t allow that to happen anyway. So why do you find yourself worrying about these things when you should be worrying about your own mental health and happiness?
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His parents are deceased and he doesn’t maintain contact with any other family. I literally am responsible for him . He seen his gp about the depression , he promised he’d tell the gp about his anger etc but when he went he said nothing about it . He has some talking therapy but again said he’s not telling them because it’s my issue not his.
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I’m so very sorry, I mixed up your situation with someone else’s! Forgive me?
I can see why you feel you’re responsible for him but believe me when I say you’re not. He may lean on you with his full weight but that doesn’t obligate you to being his lifelong support.
In a healthy relationship we lean on each other. Sometimes we’ll need support and other times we’ll provide support.
There’s a huge imbalance in s relationship with an abuser. They position themselves at the centre. It’s all take, no give. They genuinely don’t give a f*ck about anyone else. And eventually we forget to give a f*ck about ourselves.
Your partner isn’t alone. He manages to maintain relationships with friends. He also managed at least one relationship before you, with the mother of his child. There’s also other family members out there and I’d be wondering why they’re estranged.
He’s not treating you with the respect due an equal partner. He’s dumped his sh*t in your lap and convinced you it’s your job to clean it up. x
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Fixing things would be fine if they were consistent. But they aren’t. Just when we’ve changed our behaviour in response to the latest ‘issue’ they move the goalposts.
Just an example – by the end of the relationship with my ex I always carried my mobile in my pocket, on vibrate. Because the fallout was huge if I didn’t answer within the first few rings. Where was I? Who was I with? Of course, he never actually stated this was a rule. Because it would be a ridiculous thing to insist upon. I imposed it on myself. If he’d said at the start, you need to be available within 5 seconds, we wouldn’t have got to the second date.
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