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Hi all I’ve been posting on here for a few years now..left a number of times but always end up back. My husband behaviour is relentless. Lies..drinking..aggressive.. controlling..jealous..sex obsessed…foul language in front o the kids. Spoilt ..no respect for authority..the list goes on. I’m miserable but I feel so stuck..I feel like I’m still going to be here in years to come because h is so manipulative and clever in getting his own way which is to have his family unit at home and behave however he likes. He knows I dont want to be here..he knows how unhappy I am. He promises he will change acknowledges his wrong doings..plays it all down..tells me I’m over reacting..but then jst continues on and on and on. Pressures me for sex most days… shouts screams impatient with the kids.. urilesponsible makes them lie to me about stuff. I’m just done in!!! I moved away from all my family and friends to another part of the country to be with him. I feel if I left and stayed here he would always rule my life somehow..however I’m terrified of making the move to go back to my hometown because that entails moving the kids schools and establishing a whole new life..I just dont think I have it in me..sometimes I feel I’m better off gone fro. This world..every decision i make I feel will mess my kids up in some way. I’m so desperate to have him out of my life..I feel such feelings of hate and bitterness towards him..I can barely look at him..yet I stay for fear of the unknown I’m a mess!!!!!!
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Hi Ariana I spoke to you previously. Just wanted to say hello.. fear of the unknown kept me from leaving for ages, felt like I was dipping my toes in water testing the temperature. Took ages to pluck up the courage to write in here,to tell my dr, to contact wa, everything, it was like trying to walk through the thickest mud. I too felt suicidal, just couldn’t bear the thought of feeling like this forever. Then one day it just dawned on me that it was the relationship I wanted to end not me. From then on I put one foot in front of the other, a baby step at a time. Ive been away fir nearly a year. Closing the door to my flat, still in refuge accommodation but will be moving into my own place really soon, I’d the best feeling. Knowing I don’t have to go upstairs to bed with him anymore, wow that’s the first time ive written that, I’ve never acknowledged that before. Thats a good feeling😊😊 once you start to dip your toes in the water a little bit more, once you start to regain a little bit more confidence you’ll be able to do more and more. Its difficult at times but so much better than living the way we’d are/did.
You can do this, you’re here, keep posting and reading others posts, knowledge truly is power.
IWMB 💞💞 -
Thank you I want me back..your a n inspiration you really are! i’m so happy that your still feeling the benefits of being away!I can relate to the feeling of wanting the relationship to end and not you..some days i see clearly and other days(especially when hes around) i feel its an immovable mountain.. i know as a mother its our job to burden our children’s emotions.. and i can see the damage its causing them. I have felt the extra confidence when i’ve left before.. but somehow he always gets into my brain.. i’m doing a very intense degree course at the moment and he knows that i rely on him and his mum for childcare, he knows i’m a home bod i like my home comforts, he knows i want a family unit more than anything..he knows my weak spots he knows how to get to me. so if i stayed in this area for the sake of the support with childcare i just know he would always find a way to get at me. if i make the move back to my home town i have family and friends there, however i really feel that i would have to take a year out of my studies to settle the children into new schools new home ect and make sure they are stable and happy, i also wouldn’t have the extra strain of arranging childcare. Then maybe when i’m back on my feet, the kids are settled i can regain my studies. I have so many things whizzing round in my head everyday. I do know that as soon as i leave i need to change my number..shut down all social media and id definitely need a restraining order..as he often says that if i left him he’d do damage, he’d do 30 years in prison if he found out another man was in my life..he says he has a beast inside him and he knows hes capable of doing horrible things… hes scary..yet most people just see a gentle giant which is frustrating beyond measure. How would i go about getting a restraining order? thanks for listening xxxx
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Hi Ariana,
It sounds like you’re starting to think of your options here which is really positive. Try not to be hard on yourself for returning before; this is incredibly common and it’s because of how manipulative perpetrators can be.
For some legal advice on different types of injunctions you could look into getting you could contact DV Assist (a specialist injunctions service) on 0800 195 8699. Or your local domestic abuse service should also be able to help you access some legal advice.
It’s so great that you’re reaching out for support and posting on here. Keep posting to let us know how you’re getting on,
Lisa,
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Thank you ,its usefull to know who i can turn to.. something thats been haunting me for a while now…ive had a comment from someone ive confided in that has been through a similar scenario to me ; they said that in a court of law when it comes to custody of the children/social services involvement i will be told that i have failed for the last few years to protect my children from psychological harm by not staying away. This has really laid heavy on my shoulders.. but i am in psychological turmoil myself, i have been on antidepressants for a few years now, i have nightmares ect and i’m being manipulated into staying through false hope, guilt , fear many other things. I can see clearly what is happening to me..yet i’m searching for strength to actually do something substantial about it. its just ridiculous and i am actually ashamed of myself!
A x*x
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Ariana I’m so sorry that that person told you that. It’s a proven fact that abused mothers actually do protect their children, by whatever means they can, it might be letting them go to grandparents fir the weekend, not letting them out their sight, sending them to their rooms so they don’t see the beatings, we do what we do to survive being with an abuser. That person has no knowledge of how abuse works or how much the judiciary system are learning also. Yes they sometimes get it wrong, but they are learning.
You are doing the best you can,keep letting your doctor know what’s going on.
You can get through this.
Take care sweetheart
IWMB 💞💞
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Ok first of all…what did he mean that he would do thirty years? That sounds like a threat to kill. The police need to be informed, this is very serious. Second, who ever you spoke to has misinformed you. There is no one rule fits all, but as a victim of violence and coercive control you have a good reason to demonstrate what you think is a lack of protection.Also you seem alert and sensitive to the impact upon your children, all positive. You must must must keep a journal, even in pidgin English, with dates and times of his behaviours and what he said. Write down who was present, what happened before and afterwards. Even if its in pidgin English or slang. This is vital for your evidence. The second thing is speak to the police. Apparently you can use a facility at Boots to ring them. I doing know anything about it. Whatever, if you can get out and buy a PAYG phone for £20 to use secretly then do. Speak to women aid. He is draining your spirit and the only way to stop him is to get him out or leave. It is possible, and life is incredible afterwards.Make a plan and start step by step, small steps, so you don’t feel overwhelmed. Studies can indeed be postponed and every third level institution will have policies in place that they can use to support you. This is a very good resource, you may get access to good welfare advice through their student advisors.Contact them!
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Paralysis and Depression are very ugly things. The thing with all that is our actions or inactions contribute largely to it. When our will is disengaged, when our hope turns into powder, when our own self critic (which is usually your abuser talking in your head and you think it’s you) is validated by you, then your own body is ingesting all this, trying to adapt and somehow be ok but the problem is – it’s poison. Our whole being gets sick from it. We cry out in pain and we see our weakness, we can’t think straight, not sleeping well, barely able to hold our head up. Then we punish ourselves because we are not strong enough. Our abuser puts the ballbat down and we pick it up and beat ourselves with it.
The psychological poison you are ingesting everyday creates a chemical/hormone cocktail that is meant to be used in times of danger that you need when escaping it. Fight or flight. When this button is hit so much in us and yet we do not use it to actually flee the situation it can become stuck on the “On” position. Cortisol and other chemicals our body makes in this state will tear you to bits because if you don’t use it to flee, then it is just running rampant in your body. Research “Depression and Cortisol”.
So the causation is – the abuse/fear/poison. Then your body tries to help you with the fight or flight response but then if not used to actually flee those stress hormones become poison in your body and turns against you. You are literally getting it from both ends. Make sense? It’s a vicious cycle and right down the rabbit hole you go deeper and deeper.
In the fog, in the feelings of helplessness and being paralyzed do know that when your will is invoked and used here – it is your greatest friend. But it too is sick and affected here. The only way to remedy that is to tell yourself, I AM going to walk out of this house that is really on fire here. One way or the other, even if I have to crawl. It is amazing what our will can do, even when we are at our weakest point. There is a fire breathing dragon inside you, just have to wake the little critter up. It will just sleep and sleep otherwise.
I was incredibly weak and shaky when I left my ex. Found out later I could have very easily had a heart attack or stroke because of the cortisol and my heart. I was stick thin, took me months to just calm down and keep my heart from racing, stop talking to myself incessantly, learning how to sleep better, eat better, etc. My body and mind and spirit literally had to be weened off the stress hormones. In a way we become addicted to them. And the comment about the “30 years” is an absolute threat that you need to take extremely seriously and report. Not okay. That one thing would have brought me straight up and out of my stupor going “You just said what to me???” Being paralyzed is like what insects do to their prey, some being alive while they feed on them. But we aren’t insects. We can reason and use logic. Please gather up every bit of strength you have and walk straight out of this cornfield because going round and round will get you more and more lost. And who cares how many times you done whatever before? I throw away those score cards. Mean nothing to me because anyone that’s successful at anything in life knows you make alot of mistakes and then there’s that one time when success happens! We are all here for you and rallying for you!!
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Thankyou so much for the messages… really great to know there are people out there that really truly understand me and can relate to what im saying and have lived through this and come out the other side..it really does give me a glimmer of hope. I agree the comment about doing 30 years has really stuck in my head..but sadly thats not the worst thing he has said or indeed done. theres awful things hes put me and the kids through for example driving at 100mph plus down some country lanes in the dark whilst we were away on holiday i had a tiny baby and toddler in the back me and my toddler were both screaming in terror it went on for hours..ive never told anyone that..but its all written down. ive tried to block it out i think..but ive had nightmares ever since. theres more i could go on and on. for me i feel calling the police is absolutely out the question im just too scared!!!! id have to be so sure he could never get near me again. in his world calling the police is the worst thong anyone could ever do… but i take strength knowing that my whole life will not have to be lived in his world. As i said i have got a diary of everything hes been doing for the past 2 years..so when the times right i want justice to be served!! thanks so much for the replies ladies..it really has been my beacon of light knowing i can post on here x*x A x*x
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It is imperative that you tell the police. He sounds very dangerous. It may come back and bite you in the future if you don’t. It is more dangerous to be with him than to not tell the police. I know how it is to be paralysed with fear, I spent decades in this situation, and I look back and loathe myself now for not telling sooner. When I did, about (detail removed by moderator) ago, it was wonderful. I felt safe for the first time, and strong, more than I had through decades. Every professional I have spoken to said ‘why have you put up with this for so long?’. I am saying this now to you. Why? He is a bad man.You are a good woman. He is hurting you. Driving as he did with you and your children could have ended in manslaughter at the least had he crashed. He is very violent and dangerous. Imagine this happening to a female you love such as a sister or daughter. Can you see this? How does it feel? This is how I feel when I read your account.. I am horrified for you, anxious for your safety. How safe do you want your children to be? Please speak to Women Aid and avail of the Boots offer, perhaps, to be able to use their safe space to speak to the police. Could you arrange to meet with an officer there? You can get a Non mol as a matter of urgency. The police will advise you. x*x
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This……..is Horrific Abuse!!! Don’t write a journal out so when they find you dead somewhere they will know who did it… Sweetheart….you have to reach out for help Now, right Now!! You can’t wait with this. The light – has to be fueled by your will to not be held hostage here. It’s on and glowing at the end of the tunnel but your feet have to Move!
My father used to do the same thing, pile me and my stepmother into his corvette or whatever fancy car he had at the time and drive like crazy with no seatbelts back then, just to scare us. And he did more than that. I could tell stories too, like you. This is one of the more mild ones.
As a mother and for yourself as well, you don’t stay in something like this because it might very well end in tragedy. You are more scared of what he might do or think or feel if you try and get help? You need to worry a great deal about the harm you and your children are in.
He’s not okay. He is extremely Dangerous! I used to beg, beg, beg my stepmother to just leave him and she could have but she didn’t. She was a hairdresser, could have worked anywhere. She had her family and all that but she stayed and put me through a living hell doing it. But she was after his family money which she got when he died so there you go. His father told her if you just put up with it, hide what he’s doing and basically take it and make me look like a crazy fool if I ever uttered what was what – then you will get my money when I die. It happened.
If you can’t bring yourself to do for “you” then do it for your children. No blocking anything out now. You need to See what is what and then act to protect yourselves. Big time abuse going on here. Reach out for help any way possible but please, please do it.
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Hi Ariana,
I’m so sorry to hear about everything you’ve been going through. As the others have said this is really horrific abuse and neither you nor your children deserve to be going through this. You will definitely have some options here; it’s just about figuring out what is best for you.
How would you feel about refuge? Women’s Aid support workers can give you some support in finding somewhere safe to go to; they can search for vacancies anywhere in the country, so could search near to your family/ support system.
As I said earlier a good starting point for you might be to contact your local domestic abuse service. They should be able to give you some 1:1 support to help you put a plan in place and to give you some emotional support. They should be able to give you some support with the police if you decided to report him, or they could also give you some support with housing/ refuge.
Remember you can also speak to a support worker via the live chat service too if you need to talk anything through (Mon – Fri 10am – 2pm). You may also find the Survivors Handbook quite useful to have a read of some of your options.
Please do keep reaching out for help; you shouldn’t have to be trying to do all this by yourself. Feel free to private message me,
Lisa
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Thankyou so much for your replies.i could cry..I’ve awats kept that to myself among many other things.. but hearing how horrified you all are about this makes it hit home for me. I have emailed services available at my place of education to see if they can offer some practical support in terms of my studies going forward and maybe some emotional support as well. I have a trusted person who has offered myself and children a temporary place to stay so I know o do have somewhere to go..I feel I’ve made some progress today and got he cogs moving in terms of exploring my options thankyou all. I’ll keep you updated.
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Big Hugs to you!!! Awesome! Doing my dance here with my skirt and the little bells on it! Keep that fire lit. It goes out and you just get your matches out and light it back up. Keep moving, rolling. If one door doesn’t open, bang on another one!! Please do what Lisa suggested, okay? X*X
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Every one can empathise with that, it can take several attempts. It is good to have someone offer you a place to stay, I would have chopped my arm off in exchange for a place of safety before I left. Keep your eye on the goal, imagine a life without him. Write down what your life will be like. I did this and when I waivered it was really helpful. I imagined waking up, putting as much water as I wanted in the kettle, having all my Belongings as I wanted them, having a warm cosy clean bed, and feeling free to choose what a I wanted to do. I could not imagine the feeling safety but now I am experiencing this life as I dreamt it, living the dream. You can do this as well. Get to stability and safety as quickly as you can.
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Hi ladies
Ive spoken to my local womens Aid today who have advised that because i am planning on leaving the area i should contact the womens aid of the town im returning to for support.
I cant find a number or email address to contact them anywhere it seems really unclear online. can anyone on here help x*x
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Can you email the women’s aid and ask them? Or phone them back? They should give you that information. How are you feeling? Still going ahead?
I was writing my journal today about how incredible my life has become, like a dream. But when I wrote down what a I do every day….these are all normal every day activities that millions do every day and I used to do years ago, without hassle. No rationing water in the kettle, hurting the pets, controlling washing the dishes, rubbish in the bin. I can move freely and express myself and have the radio on in the back ground I every room when I want. Train the animals, wear perfume and make up. To me it is seeming miraculous because he stopped me and restrained me in every thing. You will soon be experiencing all this freedom to love and feel and be happy and enjoy. -
Hi Ariana
You could try the Women’s Aid Domestic Abuse Directory https://www.womensaid.org.uk/domestic-abuse-directory/ to find the local service.
Good luck and keep posting
Lisa
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