I’m sorry and ashamed- to all those who suffered DA

[teabag]

I’m not sure if my story is unusual, it might be. I want to be clear that the utter SHAME i feel is crippling and I feel I owe a massive apology to all individuals who have suffered Domestic abuse.

I consider myself(or used to) to be a fairly intelligent woman, emotionally intelligent. I have a huge heart always there to fix and rescue people and I love authentically. Never, ever did i imagine that my ex would manipulate me to the highest form.

The more time away and detoxing from his trauma the more I am realising things, remembering things, I am literally floored every time this happens. I wasn’t in my own head, cognitive dissonance,gaslighting love bombing, pity play, are all new concepts I have learned.

Ladies, I fell for an individual who was convicted of Domestic abuse and assaulting a minor. This individual convinced me he didn’t do it. The apaths surrounding him said he didn’t do it. He lied and rationalised things so smoothly that one would question there own senses.People like this frighten me beyond measure.

Every time he called me names or got angry it was followed up by “its not my fault”. He would throw things at me and tell me it was not assault as he did not touch me. The apaths (about his behaviour) told me “what do you expect after what hes been through”.He made me promise him I would never call the police if he hit me and I made that promise. What the hell was I thinking. He became my only light, he love bombed me and slowly over the years devalued me.There were red flags everywhere but I was so consumed by him I made excuses.Nobody knew but his apaths what was going on.

In between the bad bits he was attentive and loving and his variable behaviour confused me so much. I almost called the police one evening but it was the shame of what I had accepted and the fear of not being believed that stopped me.

I want to report him to the police. I feel responsible, to stop him from ruining another family.I do not know if I will every have courage to do this. I’m still in the thick of it- did this actually happen, am I making a big deal out of this. Words are not enough to convey what he has done to me, his actions, lies, mind games, he played me play me well and he got the sympathy.

Forgive me for being so naive and stupid but know that I am suffering the consequences of his psychological assault and physical abuse and in many ways I feel i deserve it for being so stupid.

[diymum@1]

i think this is the same thread – but looking at what you said laterally id go to the police and report this when you feel strong enough. it will give you validation and closure but also will protect other women and children. It might be worth looking into Claire’s law xx

[KIP.]

Hi teabag, you have nothing to apologise for. If you’re stupid then we all are. It’s simply not true. We have all been the victims of abuse. It’s not our fault. It’s not our shame. These men are expert manipulators. When we are traumatised our brains simply do not function. We are stuck in fight or flight mode. All our energy and headspace goes to keep us safe, in survivor mode so there’s no headspace left for us to rationalise what is happening. It’s only when we are free we think, what the hell happened to me? Have a look at YouTube n**********c victim syndrome.

[Iwantmeback]

Hi teabag, you have nothing to apologise for or be ashamed of, you did what we’ve all done, fell in love with an expert manipulator and yes some of them do it without thinking, some of them don’t realise they are treating us badly, they learned this behaviour, it’s second nature to them, like breathing or blinking your eyes. My husband convinced me his ex made everything up, that she lied so he wouldn’t see his children unless under supervised access and his pride wouldn’t allow anyone to tell him where and when he could see them. I don’t know if he was ever charged, I’m not allowed to bring her name up, yet he talks about my ex, tells me often to go back to him when we argue. What I’m saying is I believed him, it never occurred to me to ask her side of the story, I believed him.
I too never knew these type of men existed, thought domestic abuse happened to working class uneducated people. How stupid and snobbish of me to think that, I know better now. And I’ll go to my grave fighting for this to be eradicated from our society, to educate children, so they don’t become an abuser or abused. It’s a long hard fight, weakness is ALWAYS seen as something to exploit, but we no longer live in the dark ages, we are supposed to be civilised.
So please don’t feel guilty for falling in love, without love in the world there’s no hope and if there’s no hope, what is there left to fight fir.
IWMB 💕💕

[teabag]

Hi

I have two thread running here because I thought I had posted in the incorrect topic heading.

Thank you all for the messages. Its been reassuring and your empathy towards me is comforting though I don’t deserve this. This is where I am at the moment. Grief, Shame and trying to rebuild my life while my ex gets away with his actions. I will copy and paste what I have written in the other topic on here.
IWANTMEBACK- Your name resonated with me- I want me back so badly.
I don’t even have the confidence to call the helpline, its easier to hide behind the shame and my laptop.

Here is what I wrote:
I cannot forgive myself. I supported him through his conviction and allowed him to mistreat me and get away with it because he had a pity story. I was absolutely in love with him (though I now realise this was not love but I was so isolated he was my only source of light) that even when he stated he wanted to kill his ex and allow her children to find her, I still stayed. He wouldn’t allow me to go to court with him, now I know why. He hid all the legal letters, now I know why.

I allowed him around my family and defended him time and time again. I made excuses when he abused me- hes in pain- he tells me hes trying to be a better person- he said sorry- he said I don’t understand. Oh look hes made a lovely statement about me on FB. He opens car doors, he takes me away for weekends,Im imagining his abuse. At least hes not punching me in the face.

He paraded me around the place weeks after he was arrested. I thought he was proud of me but really I was his mask. Look at me I have a girlfriend I couldn’t possible hurt my ex. I have since read his ex’s statement and it sent chills down my spine, it was like I was reading about me though he was more hands on with her. I did as I was told and it was only when I started defending myself did he lose interest and start an affair with another mother. And there I was begging him to work on our relationship, any bit of crumb, that’s what I succumbed to.

My family, on telling them what went on, were so concerned for my welfare that they asked me to leave and stop all contact. Even at that time I thought they were being overly cautious but now I can see why.
Its amazing how one can get so enmeshed you don’t see.

The scary part for me is that as I was detoxing from his trauma and the fog was lifting the shame was so bad I wanted to end my life. I cannot tell you how painful this was for me to think my life was worthless and the guilt I carry for even entertaining his abuse. That’s the impact he has on me and I’m not over this. I still think I am better off dead because the shame will be gone. I see women who have had it much worse and have the bruises to show and I hang my head in shame because though he hurt me by throwing things directly at me, I have no bruising to show.

Yes I am in therapy and its really helping me but the more time goes on the more stuff is coming forward and its to much to bare.

I think I am looking for forgiveness and reassurance. I am so stupid and I often think about his ex must have felt when he jumped into a relationship with me weeks later. The hurt and devastation she must have felt and thus I tell myself I deserve this.

[Twisted Sister]

Dear Teabag

You seem to be taking responsibility for his abuses. Please remember he was the one with the power and control. It was his fault he harmed you and your child.

He manipulated you, and yes,like KIP said, if you’re stupid so are we all here.

It does make you feel stupid, but anyone who’s been taken in by a conman feels that way.

Please try to learn to treat yourself as kindly as you deserve. I know thats easy to say after you’ve been treated so badly its hard to treat yourself kindly, but you deserve a break, give it yourself.

Warmest wishes ts

[Anonymous]

I do not blame you. It is not your fault.

You are not the man who hurt me, made me cry, kept me afraid.

Please never think you are to blame for what was done to you or anyone else.

You did not deserve this. He may have tried to make you feel like that, but its just a nasty tactic.

[teabag]

Dear All

Thank you for your kind words, you have no idea how helpful it is to have your empathy and support whilst understanding from your own experiences what I have experienced. This is really helpful because only a small few friends know the full extent and really, really understand.

Numpty I am going to take your words ” I do not blame you” and write it where I can see it-thank you.
KIP: I hear what your saying, its like I wasn’t in my won head but he was all the time. The nice bits he displayed confused me even more.

Twistedsister: I am trying self love but I am totally disgusted with myself, I do not like me but I am trying to push forward and like me again whoever I am because he ripped me apart slowly.

diymum: I hope some day I can go to the police, it does not matter if he is not held accountable but its recorded to help his next victim. The only evidence I have are emails I sent to his parents outlining his anger and abuse. I only found them a few days ago when tidying up my laptop. I think this set me off because I had pushed back all his abuse and here I am telling his parents and asking them to not ask my ex certain questions because he will get angry with me. There I was trying to protect myself by asking his parents not to upset him. What on earth was I thinking. And then I go on and acknowledge what a terrible time he had. His parents never acknowledged anything I wrote because they knew what he was like and at the time I still believed their lies about his previous conviction. I feel physically sick that they all played me so well.

Iwantmeback: I do want me back!

Where do I go from here, I don’t know where to start what to do?

with gratitude
x

[diymum@1]

Hi there, im glad your sounding more clear, we go into a tail spin when we get triggered by this, i think weve all experienced this and i for one didnt understand what was happening or why. THe best way to start is write down your aims and also the practical phone calls and meetings you could set up. so WA get a suppport worker, maybe go on the freedom programme? start to read books or pdfs like why does he do that? and living with the dominator – womens aid will probably give you this. look at narcassism the traits. mindfulness might help when your feeling anxious and reach out to all the support you can get. Were always here for you 🙂 take care xx lots to do and think about but see it as a positive journey to your recovery xxxx lots of love diy x*x

[teabag]

I journal, meditate, in therapy, have read lots of books- psychopath free was brilliant. But as the fog lifts none of this is helping me to move forward.I think its helping me not to do anything stupid.

So here the tricky part; I know what I’m writing and feeling and I so acknowledge what he has done to me is criminal, but, I’m in the arena, near the touch line and I am at a stand still- do I need a support worker- is it that bad- am I just being stupid, weak, pathetic. Will the support worker think- are you serious your contacting us about this BS. Do i have the confidence to reach out.

Do most women feel like this, does it take time to fully acknowledge the seriousness of your situation. I’m struggling to explain myself.
sigh.

[diymum@1]

yes i felt like that – like there are people who have been through much worse and i was a time waster. we feel like this because these guys have programmed us to feel like nothing. Weve been condition and that dosent just go away because they have. Lots of support is what you need 100% and you absolutely deserve that xx diy mum x*x

[diymum@1]

have you tried using affirmations? its about building your worth back up. im rich talking because i cant take a compliment i just dont believe that someone is genuinely saying something nice about me. thats conditioning from years ago now but it runs deep. my next step is therapy- i keep avoiding it – not sure if its because im scared to face my demons and feel hurt xx

[teabag]

diymum. Therapy is great, it opens up a lot of things but I would be sure to find a therapist who specialises in Domestic abuse. That’s key.It is also expensive but I think this is for my health.

[diymum@1]

i will make a deal with you:) if you call WA i will arrange my appointment? i feel so ashamed to tell someone i dont know how i feel. i have no problem doing that on here though. i think the clinical environment puts me off but also deep down(and this isn’t rational)im worried that i will feel like its partly my fault due to my childhood. its facing my vulnerabilities i suppose, its hard to face our weaknesses? i know a place near by they offer trauma counselling xx then like you i think yeh but i havent been through an earthquake or taken hostage, or through war. but in away we actually have xx diy mum

[Iwantmeback]

Hi Teabag, we just take it day by day, one baby step at a time. I know how easy it is to think we’re doing great, so we push harder and it’s then in those moments that we crash back down again. I get annoyed with myself so much because I dont just leave him, I was never a woman who allowed any man to disrespect me in any way, I’ve left numerous relationships, some sooner than later, but I’ve always been in control, saw abusive behaviour where it was. But not this time, no matter what my gut was screaming act me, I ignored her because I was addicted to him. I still live with my oh, I actually had a Freudian slip recently where I told him we just happen to live in the same house. oops.
I too should go to the police, report his behaviour, but I’m not ready to. I think I’ll probably speak to his ex if I ever leave this. I’m not sure but as far as I can remember he said she called the police on him a few times but I don’t know if she ever got him charged.
Is there something niggling away at you that’s got you on edge more than usual. I hear many saying valentines day has triggered them. I’ve no fear of that ever happening in the future, as he stopped all ‘that nonsense’ years ago, saying we don’t need one day to let each other know we love us.
I’m finding things our about myself, my ex and this relationship every day I’m on here. That knowledge alone is helping me find myself again. I saw a psychologist recently,and she said that she could tell that I was a passionate and astute woman who was deeply unhappy which wasn’t surprising given the circumstances I live in. Any normal person would be having the exact same feelings I have living in such an inane situation. (This was in the first 20minutes of speaking to her)
We try to make sense of why our’ loving’ partner treated us like this, once we accept and understand there was nothing we could do or say that would stop him, I think that’s the day we’ll truly begin to heal.
IWMB 💕💕

[teabag]

It was finding those emails to his parents that set me off. I started to recall things. It was like a stream of information came flooding to my conscious and it was like I could not believe what I was reading. It only struck me then that I was trying to protect myself by asking his parents not to annoy him as I would suffer the consequences. That hit me really hard. Im only making real connection with things and realising what a horrible human being he was and his parents.His parents played a role in his abuse too.

I’m the one suffering while hes off living his life and no doubt his parents continue to be in denial.God forbid it should ruin their reputation in the community and church.I don’t understand if the truth were to come out. How they can watch their Son abuse women and deny it. I would be killed by my parents if I hurt anyone.

Iwantmeback: I do not know how you do it, still living with him and the abuse, kudos to you.
DIYMUM: I will call them just give me a few weeks just to settle into all of this. When I have done it I will let you know and you can do your part of the deal. I promise you here and now I will call WA.

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