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    • #13240
      betterdays
      Participant

      In a way it’s my fault as I used to challenge him over his behaviour so he said I drove him to it maybe I did. It’s hard x

    • #13247
      Serenity
      Participant

      They all say this. They don’t like not being free to behave exactly as they like.

      My ex went as far as to write me a cryptic message in an Xmas card, telling me I needed to shut up and let him do as he wanted, or else my family life would be wrecked.

      They are all the same in that they don’t want to be challenged, get angry if they are. But the essence of a relationship is to discuss and come to agreements. Abusers don’t think like this. They just want ultimate control, to be top dog and for us to do their bidding.

      It’s time they woke up and smelt the coffee. They are stuck in a bygone age.

      When he says you drove him to it, he means that he can’t cope with being challenged. He can’t cope with not being treated like a king and ruler. Read Lundy’s King of the Castle abusive type.

    • #13283
      Escaped not free
      Participant

      My ex used to use the word discuss interchangeably with asking permission. I discussed with him taking my kids skiing for a day, he said he couldn’t come because of work so I went without him. He went on for hours about my lack of “discussion” and my insistence on leading separate lives. It was one night with my kids that he said he didn’t want to go on. Anything I did that didn’t involve him or he refused to go I would be berated for not “discussing.” Then I would feel horribly guilty for causing a division between us.

      • #13354
        Whathaveidone
        Participant

        Sounds exactly like mine.
        Abuser words “Communication” or “discussion” translated into reality is “ask permission, see what I decide and do as I say. If not, you will get a rant and berating for relentlesss hours and if you interupt me, tell me to stop talking or tell me that you understand, I’ll keep on with the verbal abuse even more until I’m happy that I’ve put you in such a distressed state, you’ll never disagree, question or do anything without my persmission again.” At least in my relationship anyway…

    • #13285
      Escaped not free
      Participant

      My ex used to use the word discuss interchangeably with asking permission. I discussed with him taking my kids skiing for a day, he said he couldn’t come because of work so I went without him. He went on for hours about my lack of “discussion” and my insistence on leading separate lives. It was one night with my kids that he said he didn’t want to go on. Anything I did that didn’t involve him or he refused to go I would be berated for not “discussing.” Then I would feel horribly guilty for causing a division between us. But the thing is after all he has done to me and my kids I’m still conditioned to feel it’s my fault also. My head tells me why should I not have an opinion or a wish to do something but he makes me feel like the monster for doing so. X

    • #13291
      Nemo
      Participant

      i recently posted when i was struggling with feelings of blame, i think we all feel this way when we’re trying to rationalise behaviour that can’t be rationalised.

      i think we’ve all also experienced being told that we’re to blame (by our abusers). the amount of times i apologised to him because he’d actually got me thinking it was my fault that he did x, y & z.

      i still have days now where i recall an incident and wonder what i could’ve done differently – but every action would’ve resulted in the same reaction, it might have been delayed, it might have been different, but it still would’ve been abuse.

      • #13355
        Whathaveidone
        Participant

        With them you’ always damed if you do, d****d if you don’t. I think I’ve got to the point where sometimes I don’t even care but I still end up apologising and feeling guilty.

    • #13294
      Confused123
      Participant

      Hi HUn

      Thats where they got kicks out of us, your right no matter what u would of done they would have found a fault or reason to blame us, it never was us it was them. i used to think once i can get the response right he would stop, what a joke there was no right response thye just wanted to abuse us

      • #13357
        Whathaveidone
        Participant

        You are so right. I just can’t understand how he can justify my feeling being “wrong” sometimes but his always right. How my actions are my own fault yet his actions not his fault – I’m still to blame.

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