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It’s been nearly a month now since I left my boyfriend and although I know it was the best decision, I’m struggling on the days that he has our daughter because I have too much time alone and it’s brings back all the memories of how he treated me. It makes me feel anxious and sick and sad.
It’s like now that I am away from him I finally have time to actually think about and process all of the abuse. I don’t know how to deal with it all at once and I just wish I could get rid of the memories. They keep me up at night and I find it so difficult to get to sleep.
Has anyone got any advice on how to help deal with it all? X
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Talk to your GP about some therapy. It could be post traumatic stress disorder. Get someone else to do the hand overs. Any contact is toxic and triggering. Mindfulness and breathing exercises can help. Try to plan stuff for the days you don’t have her. Even if it’s watching a favourite movie. I would watch mine over and over. Getting out walking helps. Read The Body Keeps The Score by Bessel Van Der Kolk. These feelings will pass. It’s like you’re now processing the abuse. You can still report him and talk to women’s aid about him having access to your child.
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Thanks Kip. It definitely does help getting out and about but it’s just those moments that you have a second to think which I find difficult. I guess long term therapy is definitely the best option.
He has been much better to me since I’ve left, he’s giving me space, seeing a counsellor and tells me how much he hates what he’s done to me but I’m taking it all with a pinch of salt as I know he can easily flip at any moment as I know what he’s like. M just trying to stay friendly for our daughters sake.
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I’m afraid you cannot be friendly with an abuser and you cannot co parent so be very careful how you move forward. Talk to women’s aid about access. He can keep your child and not return her and there’s nothing you can do apart from go through court to get her back. Make sure you are legally the resident parent. He may seem friendly just now but that’s because he still has a hook in you. And is getting contact with you where he thinks he can reel you back in. Write a list of all the abuse. It’s contact with him that will make you ill and trigger you x third party for all contact re child arrangements x take baby steps meantime and do not forget who this man really is x
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Hey @Harriet123,
first of all, congratulations on making the big step of leaving. It is such a hard decision, and it took me so many attempts to get out, so pat yourself on the shoulder for making an exit!
When I first left, I did some therapy through a charity, and I think it was helpful to deal with the initial guilt, questions, worries etc. I had to eventually focus on sorting myself and my son out, so my well-being (once again) took a bit of a backseat, because it had to. Now, years after I’ve left, I feel like I would benefit from therapy again, or speaking to other survivors, just to validate my experience and make sure I don’t fall into the same traps. With Covid going on, this forum is very useful, hopefully one day there will be face-to-face meetings again where we can connect with other people that had similar experiences.
Once I’ve left I also started writing my diary again. Not regular or anything, but when I have a bad day, it helps me to write it all down. Also, because I still have contact to my ex, it helps me to write down what he did, as a reminder to myself why I don’t even want to be friends with him, and the contact is solely for our son. I do forget or push the memories aside sometimes, because it’s easier, but, no matter how painful, I need to also go through the feelings of our relationship sometimes, to know why he cannot ever be a friend, to remember, how bad he made me feel, to remember that I do matter! That our son matters! Not him!
To become the lone parent legally, I believe you will have to go through court, if his name is on the birth certificate. However, if you’re worried about this and aren’t able to afford legal support, look for Legal Aid, you might qualify for it.
All the best x
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Hey @lionessinthedark,
Thank you so much, it was probably one of the hardest decisions I’ve ever had to go through with. But I know it’s all for the best.
I really think face to face meetings would be so good for me, hopefully they can start again sometime soon as it really is so helpful hearing other people situations and to really help yourself believe that you are not crazy!
How is your situation with custody? Do you find that you get along for the sake of your son? I just worry about going to court etc. As he will then turn very bitter and I want to keep everything between us as good as possible for the sake of our daughter. Xx
A diary is also something I want to start, it’s something I’ve seen lots of people suggest, but just also something I find quite scary for some reason…
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Hi Harriet
I’ve recently been dealing with something and filled whole notebooks with words! I didn’t stop to think about what I was writing, didn’t try to make sense of it, I just wrote whatever I was thinking. I was completely honest. I only wrote if I felt the urge and didn’t see it as a chore that had to be done every day. It was so therapeutic. Mostly I read back what I’d written but sometimes I didn’t. No rules. It was the act of getting it out of my head that was important. Then one day I didn’t need to write anything. My head had cleared of all the noise and confusion. It worked so well for me.
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Hi Camel,
That’s what I was thinking about today, is how to write it… but I guess you just have to write what comes to your mind straight away and not think about how it’s written.
It’s so positive and encouraging hearing how well it worked for you, It’s definitely something I’m going to try.Thanks so much for your support. Xx
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Hey @Harriet123,
can’t wait for face-to-face meetings to happen again, amongst a lot of other things. 🙂 And I agree, it’s why I return to this forum at the moment, because even after such a long time I sometimes question my experience and wonder if I got it wrong somewhere.
I’ve decided not to go go to court when I left, because I felt I wasn’t going to manage to go through with it all. My ex has since showed a very positive side, that I don’t fully trust, but that’s another story. But given that he was very agreeable, I decided to set up a parental agreement (detail removed by moderator). Maybe have a look here about (detail removed by moderator) and here for separation with kids being involved.
Don’t worry if you don’t feel like writing a diary now. It took me some time to deal with things and only now (years after) I feel I am able to talk about it more openly. The memories are painful and I need to be in the right frame of mind to deal with them. So, just listen to yourself and find something that makes you feel good about yourself (whether thats painting your nails, reading a book or screaming into your pillow… anything goes) and fuels you when you have to deal with your ex. The time will come where you can dive into the things you had to go through in more depth. Unfortunately the scars and pain won’t go away magically, but I think with time it will become easier to revisit them, if we manage to nourish ourselves as good as possible.
xx
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Thank you so much, honestly that was such a nice reply to read it made me feel really easy for some reason.
The pain of the past always seems to come back when I’m alone and it’s why I’m struggling to deal with, I just don’t know how to handle it. My daughter was with her dad last night and I just spent a good hour or so crying to myself going over all of the nightmares from the past that I can’t seem to cope with. I’m really struggling with dealing with them. Even when I paint my nails or have a nice bath etc. It just doesn’t seem to help because straight afterwards whenever I’m alone, I just feel like such rubbish. I also have a massive fear of no one ever being able to love me again because I fear that I will be “too damaged” for anyone to love me again and I really just don’t want to be alone 🙁
I’ve never experienced a face to face meeting but I reckon it’s the sort of thing that would really help me through all of this as I just don’t think friends/family truly understand the damage it’s done to my head. Although they are all completely supportive of me I just find it difficult really going into depth about it all. X*x
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Hi Harriet123, try to embrace it, let it in, it feels painful at times yes, couldn’t feel any other way really could it. But any time spent processing what happened is never time wasted. And! When we do this, you’re helping it to pass.
Pull in your support; could be a womens aid support worker, counselling, friends and family, get practical support and emotional support in place, as much as you can, you need some big cusions now in which to fall when you feel you need this.
Act and pull in help when you feel overwhelmed, reach out so you can gain some control again – Victim support, the WA helpline and the Samaritians are all brilliant here when we feel this way.
I would recommend the book Post-traumatic Stress: The Facts by Stephen Regel and Stephen Joseph; it’s a short, comprehensive guide to trauma, will tell you everthing you need to know and what to do.
But really the best thing you can do for yourself and now is pull in and shape your support.
Trauma and what you explain is a very natural response to what you have gone through / are going through. It can feel unpleasant yes, but on the otherside of it, after we’ve processed it and given ourselves what we need – it is the gift that keeps on giving, because it helps us to learn and grow a great deal. It shapes us, it helps us to become the person you are and get the life you truly want.
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Hi Fizzylem,
I know I definitely need to feel the pain to be able to get over it but I just hate being upset I try and block it all out but when I do just let myself cry i cry for ages and ages and I hate it because I’m so fed up of being upset and crying. I just want to be happy now – I am much happier now that I’ve left but it’s just the days I have to myself that I find difficult as my daughter isn’t there to keep me distracted and going. I have my friends and family but I seem to be pulling myself back from spending time with them and just chill in my room by myself because i just prefer to be alone sometimes but not sure if it’s best for me.
I’ve always found it difficult to talk to people when I feel down, I just hate feeling like a burden and don’t want other people to feel sad or anything so find it easier to keep things to myself. Which is something I really hate about myself and also something I really going to make sure my daughter doesn’t do as it’s brought me so much pain just by not opening up to people.
I will definitely look into that book, thanks a lot for the suggestion.
Thanks a lot for your support. I know I really do need to open myself up and let myself process the pain properly to become a much happier person that I really want to be. It’s just such a scary process. But I know I’ll be able to do it, it will just take time. X*x
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Hi Harriet
I don’t think there’s anything wrong with wanting solitude. I’d say it’s important to have time for reflection and self care. It’s only a problem if you spend all this alone time in tears. If your daughter being with her father is a distressing time, plan ahead. Perhaps connect with family or friends during these times. Personally I find walking is a great way to lift my mood. If you don’t feel safe going out late, you could try an online exercise or art class. Not everything has to be called therapy or counselling to do us good. I think it’s when we stop thinking about things that we start properly to process them.
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