I’m struggling with grief and sadness post-breakup

[marmaladechamp]

Today has been difficult for me. I feel so sad about it all and that my relationship was a lie. All the good, happy moments. Our engagement, the first time we moved in together. Was all this a lie? Why do we have to make the biggest sacrifices? I had to flee and leave my dog behind. He got to be surrounded by his family. I feel so alone even though I am overwhelmed with support from my own friends and family but they don’t live close to me.

It’s like he has died and in a way the person that I fell in love with no longer exists.

I wish I could put it all behind me and move forward but we have a joint-tenancy to sort out as well as bank accounts and cancelling our wedding. How should I contact him about this? I haven’t spoken to him since writing the letter before I left (detail removed by moderator).

[lover of no contact]

Hi marmaladechamp,

I most definitely would not make contact with him at all. He will be counting on this and this will set you back a thousand times.

Find out how the 3 joint things with him can be stopped without having to deal with him at all. You can cancel the wedding without his input. You can make all the phonecalls or the emails to cancel each thing that was booked for the wedding. You can post on here when you are about to do it or have done it. I know this is so hard to do and you are being so brave about it all. All your dashed hopes and dreams. He will be hoping and maybe expecting that you won’t be able to do this.

Then contact the bank and the rental company to find out how to extricate yourself from the tenancy and bank account without having to contact him. No Contact with him is essential to stop yourself being hovered back in by him and to stop yourself feeling weakened, confused and traumatized after having contact with him.

You are doing great even though today is a bad day. Don’t contact him because it will set you back so much. Keep posting each day how you’re doing.

[Tiffany]

I ended up making contact to sort out the joint bank account, but found out later that if I had gone into the bank and asked for advice on domestic abuse situations I could probably have had my name taken off the account without his permission. I would start by tackling the things you can do easily – cancelling any bookings you have made for the wedding for example. I would go in person to the bank and explain the situation and see what they can offer. And I would call your rental agency and see if you can take your name off the tenancy – this was the hardest bit for me, as they refused to take my name off. Go to women’s aid and rights for women to check your recourses if you run up against any issues in severing ties with him. Unfortunately he is highly likely to try and make the severing of legal ties hard for you, so the more you can sort without dealing with him the better.

It’s a hideous time, but you will get through it. Take the legal ties one at a time. And start with the easy ones if you are struggling. For me that was calling the church and cancelling the ceremony – the whole church was so supportive of me through that time, and I was really glad I had told them. And don’t take on any responsibility which should belong to your ex. You don’t have to inform his friends or family. You don’t have to deal with any bookings made in his name and with his money. Only deal with them if you are financially responsible.

You will get through this. And things will get better.

[Author]

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