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God why do I do this to myself? Every time I think thinks are on the up. It crashes around me after 24 hours. Why the hell do we put up with it? Just come home from home work all day, he’s not worked fir (detail removed by Moderator) months. House not hoovered cleaned, tea not done despite him texting me at lunch to say he would do. I’ve cooked it to just to be told it tastes like (detail removed by Moderator) as I’ve cooked it. Why am I in bathroom…am I hanging out of window signalling to someone up street? No I’m going to the toilet. Go and get my boyfriend if I don’t like it?! Really!? Always seems to be worse day after s** If I don’t sleep with him I’m sleeping with someone else …obviously. Let’s face it I’m just a (detail removed by Moderator). Has taken the batteries out of landline so (detail removed by Moderator) can’t ring (who’s v old and cope with dialling a mobile. Fed up of this vicious circle ☹️
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What an (detail removed by Moderator) he is! I used to come home to this sort of behaviour all the time. The white cold in the pit of my stomach would start as soon as I noticed it wasn’t long until the end of my shift.
Sounds like he’s loving it, sitting about on his bum all day doing nothing except conjuring up terrible things you’ve supposedly done. In the end, I stopped cooking for him amongst other things. It was difficult, and I felt so guilty for ages eating in front of him, but after a while, I felt less tense about coming home because there was no uncertainty about whether there would be food or not. He hated vegetables, like the small child he was inside, so I’d make a slow cooker full of veggie stew with soya protein chunks and that’d sort me out for the week on later shifts. (Turns out it was yummy too). Come home, eat stew; no bread, he would have eaten it all instead of cooking something, so I stopped buying that too; go to bed. Doesn’t sound like much of a life I know, but it was still better than putting up with his nonsense.
Has your Nan got one of the types of ‘phones with a memory? Maybe you could put your mobile number in and show her a quick dial option.
Hope you get some peace tonight.
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Sounds like the situation I was in. My ex was unemployed. I worked full time and did everything in the house and garden. I stopped cooking for him and lived on toast for months. Stopped doing his washing. I used to come in from work, get my toast and go upstairs until bedtime. When he came up to bed, I’d go downstairs and sleep on the sofa. I owned the house and everything in it, but felt like an intruder.
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Intimate everyday terrorism. I can’t believe I lived like that too. It always gets worse. One day the fog will clear and you will make your own wonderful life. It sounds like he contributes nothing to it. Ask yourself what are you really getting from this relationship. Do a pros and cons list. I think you will be surprised when you see it in black and white.
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I am more of a fool for even having sex, although to be fair it’s probably the one decent thing in our relationship …so that would go on my pro list KIP but you are right there would be far more cons and I feel like a dirty s**** for even having sex with someone who degrades me and makes me feel like s**t on a regular basis, so I’m disgusted with myself but actually I just want things to be normal( ha – as if that will ever happen) Think I almost want it to be my fault as then I can fix it as I do believe it takes two to argue but each day it becomes clearer that I can’t fix it and never will be able to.on the other hand I know it’s not my fault which just p***** me off.
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Keep those feelings in mind, they’ll stand you in good stead as the saying goes. If you are still okay with having sex with him, then go for it. It’s only biology, it’s a great stress reliever. I found the more I found out, the less I could though. Yes he got it periodically but that was because he’d badger, and cajole and guilt me into it. Have you looked into trauma bonding. Once you realise the chemicals released during sex are designed to make us feel good, the same as when we fall in love, bond with our newborn but are also released when we’re in danger, but can’t decide to flee or fight or even freeze. There have been times I’ve been frozen to the spot, don’t know what to do or say so do nothing. Yes it takes 2, but it takes 2 to fix things, when you’re the one who’s always in the wrong, who’s got to change so he won’t walk out or get mad or whatever it is he decides is wrong, you wake up one day and realise, you alone can’t fix things if he won’t meet you half way. Keep learning, keep feeling the way you do, it’s your ticket out of this relationship.
IWMB 💞💞 -
Hi sweetheart,
I agree with ER, he’s an a*rse.
It’s “funny” reading these stories about doing things in the home for the other / helping each other out. I thought I was alone with this too. I could come home from work which for me was always at least 12 hours with travel. He’d be home either as being off that day or simply because he wouldn’t be away for 12 hours if he was going to work. Would dishes be done? No. He would be playing his beloved console games “to wind down from a stressful day”. So I’d go to do them, only to them be stopped always about halfway through where he would grab my arms, turn me towards him, and give me a talking to as if I was a kid. This was just to prevent me getting things done – I’m very much a get things done type of person who wants to finish things and I’d love to wind down too after being gone for over 12 hours but why not get the chores out of the way, the dinner on the table, and then relax? Nope instead I’m stood here trying to do the dishes to avoid arguements even if it was his turn or whatever, and he is stopping me, talking to me like I’m a child and I know full well if I react he will either storm out and only come back when I beg (if I didn’t beg, then I didn’t care – how dare I!) or he would hit me. He would do this when I’d be putting away grocery shops and doing dinners too. Sometimes, he’d only come into the kitchen as I’d be drying up the last couple of plates with a “I was going to do that, you don’t control when I do dishes or not”. There was that word again – control – so I’d be scared I was controlling by doing the dishes.
My point is, you can’t win with them. When you think you are doing a nice thing, they will twist it into something nasty. When you think you are helping out, they will be ungrateful and twist it into you being controlling. It’s always being twisted. I sometimes wonder how much time I must have spent every single day trying to work out how to respond to something he would say so as to avoid a)arguement, b) silent treatment, c) him storming out, d) being called names. It saddens me to say it changed me and I’m struggling to know who I am now.
I completely get you SG when you say you kind of want it to be your fault, at least then we’d have the control to end the behaviour. Sadly, that choice is theirs and theirs alone.
Sending you wishes of a peaceful night and a calm tomorrow -
Oh it really doesn’t take two to argue, not when the other party is your abuser!
It’s impossible to get away from, to avoid conflict becomes impossible. If he’s going to batter you nothing will be stop that train, whether it’s emotional,physical or psychological, even walking out brings just further escalation.
Some of the effects of it are feeling like a mug, stupid, a fool. It’s very hard to not be left feeling like that.
You might feel that,but it doesn’t mean you are. You’re not, its a result of being abused.
Warmest wishes
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Your not a mug. The only mug is the bully who thinks it is ok to make a person feel so low. I have been there, regardless of how he makes you feel you are not alone. I’m finding quotes just now really helpful and empowering.
‘When it comes to abuse, you believe there is no way out. There is always help. There is always a way out.!’
At first it feels horrendous, we have been manipulated to be so dependant on our abusers. But eventually we start to get stronger, that makes them weaker. Everything can seem so overwhelming. My ex is a violent unpredictable unhinged maniac to be kind and I was always terrified of him. I was in over 20k of debt that we both spent. Had a flat he wouldn’t move out of yet it was solely in my name. I was also programmed to feel empty and lost without him. All of this made it feel impossible to leave. But everything here is temporary, not 1 year temporary it might even take me 10 years to pay the debt off. It’s so hard at first to leave but it never gets any better. Has he ever truly changed when you’ve went back?
‘An apology without change is just manipulation’
Whether you have the strength to leave in a day or 5 year, this will get better. Think how you felt before you knew him? You’ll eventually get that back. The sooner you get rid of him, the sooner it will happen. -
Yes I agree that nothing will ever be good enough. He wanted to take my car the other day to pick up (detail removed by Moderator) for me and I said I wanted to do it myself. He used to do everything for me but now when he does things it’s for his own ulterior motive. I think he just wanted the car to get things for himself too. Anyway when I said to him he had enough to do and that I would just go after work he screamed down the phone at me calling me a (detail removed by Moderator). I have been called a disgrace too and a nasty piece of work. The last time he did this I was crying at him to stop calling me that and that I wasn’t and he just kept going because the red mist had descended.
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