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It has taken me a long time to see the abuse, and a few weeks ago I was certain what I experienced was/is abuse. I’ve been secretly making plans to leave with our children once I can secure a house.
When I first made the decision I know I pulled back a bit, and he noticed, so he started a campaign of being nice, then he found out I had been looking at leaving and after a day of him shouting, saying he didn’t think he could forgive me, he had now upped his niceness and I don’t recognise him. I have withdrawn completely as I can’t do it anymore, but this drives him to be even nicer. I feel suffocated, and the constant demands for sex just make me feel dirty, and guilty as I know I’m leading him on. When he found out about my plans, I was far too honest and gave too much detail about why I wasn’t happy. This has given him plenty of opportunity to change himself so I feel I can’t actually go. He doesn’t see that when he eventually feels safe enough to go back to his typical self, I’ll be expecting it, welcoming it even, because that will be my reason to go. So he will continue being nicer and nicer, and I will just continue to be more and more withdrawn. Like a game I can’t win.
I now feel like the abuser though. I can’t give him what he wants, I can’t settle back into being the loving wife I was before. I go through the motions, but I feel like I’m interacting with a stranger, or following a script. I have no emotions anymore, I can’t even cry as I feel empty. I love my kids more than anything and they are getting me through each day, otherwise I don’t think I’d care what happened to me. I need him to get mad, I deserve it. He’s been far too forgiving and I’ve had much worse treatment for far less. I had so much hope about getting out but now should I just accept this is my life? If I didn’t have the kids I probably would, but they deserve better. My eldest says that they see me crying in secret as her dad doesn’t like me, and that breaks my heart. Now he’s suddenly acting like he loves me, and she is so happy. The logical side of me thinks he knows using the children will pull on my heartstrings more than anything else, but the hopeful side thinks maybe he has changed. If he could consistently be this father maybe I could accept the abuse, but I know in a couple of years time I’ll look back and think why didn’t I just go then. My head tells me this is part of the cycle, even if he doesn’t knowingly abuse me, he needs that control. My heart tells me that I’m being very selfish and unfair to leave. I’m so conflicted and I can’t trust my own memories and recollections of events. I’ve been told by someone close to me that some of my experiences are just normal family
Life and I’m just being a tattle tale if I discuss some of the more serious events. He’s never hit me, so I should be able to go away with him for a few days and sort it all out. Another family member has told me that if I stay they will loose respect for me as I’ll be accepting and enabling the abuse. I want to leave, I don’t feel any love for him anymore, I just feel nothing. -
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HaPea, I’m so sorry you are going through this too. It’s horrible and my kids are the only reason I am holding on. I look at him and feel nothing. I keep secrets about kids achievements as they are my happiness and I don’t want to share them with him. I feel selfish and bad all the time. I used to get a break when he went to work, but now he’s not got a job so I don’t even have that. That longed for break has gone and now I feel even more trapped than before. I just feel the walls are closing in and I can’t see the door anymore. X*x
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If you haven’t already try to chat to the advisors I did that today and got lots of information of places that can give more information and help. It’s still really hard though reaching out to these people. Admitting we’re struggling. My main guilt is the child, I don’t want to do anything that could potentially make him unhappy. Which is why we stick it out and hurt. Like you my child is my main happiness. My everything.
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Hey I think I understand. I’ve been subjected to emotional abuse for years I think, but have always felt sorry for my husband that he was so needy and insecure so repeatedly agreed to what I now see were unreasonable demands to try and make him feel better / worthy. It’s got to the stage though that I see the same behaviour with our daughter – seeking that validation all the time from her and needing her to make him her priority – or at least preferring it when she does. She already now only ever suggests playing games with him that she knows he is happy to play, (detail removed by moderator). He also asks her if she loves him, or if she loves others better. I’ve got to the stage where I am not giving in to his demands anymore – now I’ve seen the unreasonable nature, I can’t unsee it. But as a consequence I now don’t care about him or our marriage and he is leaving. I have no idea if that is true, and I’m sabotaging things on purpose, but I am being made to feel that this is all on me, because all he wants is for me to love him and want to spend time with him. So worried about the impact on my daughter who adores him, if I don’t do what he wants and he leaves, but also I’m not sure I can carry on with this constant acquiescing (detail removed by moderator). It is so hard
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It is so upsetting hearing how you feel and i know exactly what you mean
My situation is pretty much the same and he had been out of work (again) for a couple of months and i was feeling like i was sinking. Luckily mine has now got a job (detail removed by moderator) so i get a bit of freedom
It feels like being held hostage knowing what to do for the best when kids are involved but i feel numb
I too have lost the main person i could talk to as she said she can’t deal with it any more if i won’t leave -
Oh (not)Selisfh
I really feel for you. I understand everything you say as I have been there. Feeling trapped, the sudden nice behaviour, the doubts. Towards the end I had to emotionally switch off from him, because I knew he would use every emotional tool to try and make me stay.
I stayed for years ‘for the children’. I thought if my children were happy, then I could survive.I might not be living, but mothers make sacrifices right? I was so wrong. Children deserve a mother who is alive and vibrant and the best role model of how to live. I am a few years free and my children are happier than ever. And the see me living a full life, not a broken shell of a person that I was.
They deserve that. You deserve that!I know how hard this stage is, but don’t doubt yourself. You are not the abuser! Find your way out.
Sending strength and hugs x -
I’m so sorry to hear how hard things are for you right now.
Two things stood out to me (that haven’t already been mentioned)… firstly to explicitly say that definitely does not sound like you are the abuser. I’m no expert but…You are responding to an abusive situation and trying to do the best for yourself and especially your child(ren). His behaviour changed and you reacted, that doesn’t make you an abuser.
Also, whatever else is happening, you do NOT deserve it. Whatever you’ve done, you don’t deserve abuse.
Take care of you xx
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